Need Ideas - Parenting Problem/Question

exjwshell

Here's a question to all of you parents out there...

Do any of you, especially those who were born and raised as a jw, have trouble parenting your non-jw children?...

I've been "out" for 18 years and since then have married and had two children. I find it incredibly difficult to not parent "witness style". I try to resist and remind myself that the way my parents handled things are NOT the way I should. I struggle with this everyday. My parents were VERY strict (dad was an elder) and now I find that my husband and I are constantly disagreeing about what we should and should not let our teenagers do.

It's just habit, I guess, you parent (whether you want to or not) in a similar way that your parents did. It's what you've learned growing up. I'm constantly over-paranoid that something bad will happen if I let him go to a party or drive around with his friends (who are good kids), etc.

For example: Tonight my son wanted to go a birthday party for a girl friend in a neighboring town. He was going to ride with another friend of his from our town...I just really didn't want him to go. What if something happened? What if there was an accident? What if some unruly, unsupervised kids showed up?...My husband told me that I was way over paranoid and too strict and that we should let him go...which we did...but as my son walked out of the house he said, "Mom, we are not witnesses. You are trying to raise me like you were raised."

I was so mad! It's a good thing he said it as he walked out the door or he would have gotten an "earful". After a little while I started thinking...he's sorta right. I'm not NEARLY as strict as my parents were but I am always telling him NO...like my parents did to me.

I want my children to have the freedom to be kids...I NEVER had that. I'm just not sure how to do it. Has anyone else had these sorts of problems?

G Money

Well.... you love your child and care for him. Hopefully you raised him right and he is a good kid. You gotta have trust sometimes. It isn't easy being a parent and most kids don't reralize it until they are older and are parents. Perhaps set some boundaries or set up communication for when you child leaves and don't freak out too much so that way everyone is happy. There is nothing wrong with amny things the witnesses do to raise kids. Overly permissive isn't always good but then again neither is the iron fist.

regards

exjwshell

Thank you for your replies...I think you are both right! I think I need to not "freak-out" as much but I also think that using what I have learned (some of it, anyways) can be used to my advantage.

BeautifulGarbage

My concern would be if the party was supervised by one, or more, responsible adults. If it were, no problem. If not, no way would my kid be going.

AshtonCA

I want my children to have the freedom to be kids...I NEVER had that. I'm just not sure how to do it. Has anyone else had these sorts of problems?

YES! I do everyday! My son occasionally wants to go to the bowling alley that has an arcade that is right next door to our complex and I am mortified to let him go because I don't trust that he won't pay attention just walking across the street. Also, I am so afraid he's going to get in trouble that I worry all the time about him just hanging outside with his friends.

We were not even allowed to have friends. My mom still is ticked that we let him associate with the kids in the neighborhood. He doesn't even discuss his friends to my parents because I know, even though they don't say anything anymore, that they are judging us for allowing him to play with them.

I swore I wouldn't do to him what was done to us, but I still see myself slipping back into what I was raised with. Hubby tries to bring me down to reality when I get all upset and scared about the "what if's."

Ash

curlygirl

Being a parent is hard enough without adding into that all of the irrational fears that the org indoctrinated us with. I feel for you.

frenchbabyface

Just like you, I had no idea and just like you I didn't like my parents ways ... full of NO and YOU HAVE TO or you CAN'T and Striking, and that was true in belgium too (a kind of step familly but they were not JW's).

Not only they were not able to follow me everywhere and of course I was doing whatever I wanted as soon as I could and I let them know only if they asked : Did you ... ?

So I didn't want to waste my time with my kid barking NO, YOU HAVE TO and YOU CAN'T or Striking in knowing that I wouldn't gain anything with that, but just bother my son who would have to do everything he wants in my back for then lying or telling me anyway .

I've thought a lot about that ... and what helped me is to remember what I was especting from my parents (especially my mother) I wanted her to believe in me ... And I hated everybody's way to just bother with motherf*cking rules that I took some pleasure to just doing the reverse just for this purpose (they didn't want me to) because "I" didn't see anything wrong or that I fell I had the right to ...

So what I did is put half the burden on his shoulder (I'm lazy) ... I've only put basic rules : don't lie to me (be honnest I can help you even if you are wrong) do not dissapoint me (wich include the first rule and means prove me I can believe in you and you'll be totally free, and I'll be proud of you) ...

After a stormy story related to video games and (supposed) friends (too long to tell) that helped me to introduce the subject he was about 8 when we had this conversation, I do remember that day very well ... His eyes was all lighten up before (his face switched into OMG Am I able to ?) he realised the real burden, the necessity to think for good about every action on short to long run to not acting too stupid (LOL) ... So I added : you can ask me any questions, you can talk about anything with me ... I'll help you as much as I can. So instead of being a barrier and an arbitre I became a concellor and a friend and I like those positions way better you get way more information to take care if needed.

But as a mother you can't escape THE FEAR and I needed to know : for instance the first times he began to go out I've never acted like I had any decision to make on that but I've only asked : WITH WHO ? Then ; if something happen to you, will they take care of you (that makes you thinking for good before, while and after for the next time) ? WHAT ? WHEN ? HOW ? WERE ? Then : depends of answers that means that you have to take care of that, that and that.

The most important was for me and him to be well informed, aware, ready just in case ... Then go baby go, I believe in you - have fun but be smart and thanks for the job (LOL)

That being said :
If I had a tiny girl I'm not sure I would have fell so confident about the matter from A to Z - I've been lucky here too.

La Capra

"Mom, we are not witnesses. You are trying to raise me like you were raised."

Baby, he's got your number. He may be right on point this time, but other times it could be a classic teenage manipulative technique (JW or not).

I have worked with thousands of teenagers - it is their job to know what to say to best push a parent's buttons to get what they want. It's your job to see through the manipulations and distractions, and to be able to tell the difference between genuine concern and your prior conditioning.

Good Luck with the teen years (and you thought your own were hard for you...)

Shoshana

gypsywildone

I chose my battles carefully. Only having been exposed to the jws from age 13-15 was plenty for me! But ever after I had to deal with my mother's authoritarian style & it went agains tthe very fiber of my being. My personality is laid back & not bossy. I am not organized, not regimented & not even apt to follow a whole lot of arbitrary rules. So it had to be really important for me to fight about it. May I ask how old your kid is?

exjwshell

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and replies. It makes me feel better to at least know that I'm not the only one going through all of this.

Raising teenagers is hard enough...but raising teenagers differently than your parents did is really a tough job!

Beautiful Garbage: It was my concern whether the party was supervised too...it was by the girl's dad, while this made me feel a little better, the paranoia still took over!

Jez: I know what you mean about your husband! I trust my husband too. He does a good job calming me down during my periods of "what-if" thinking. In my heart, I know that he knows what is right.

Ash: I completely understand and go through the exact same things as you! It's awful when you parent to the best of your ability and have others "question" your decisions.

I do have to learn to "choose my battles". My fear is choosing the wrong ones! Experience is the best teacher, I guess.

Gypsy: I have two kids, my son is 15 (16 in August) and my daughter is 12.

La Capra: Oh, I know he's got my number! But we told him that we were young too, not that long ago. He knows that his dad knows "every trick in the book". We do have a very open relationship with both of our kids. We know that they are not going to tell us EVERYTHING but, we try to keep the lines of communication open so that if they need to talk, we will always be there to listen.

Thanks everyone for your replies. It really does help alot to be able to see what others think.

~Shell

Need Ideas - Parenting Problem/Question

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