by exjwshell 12 Replies latest jw friends
I think you are just afraid for your "little baby" and want to protect him like he's an infant.
I hate to tell you this, but he's growing up and as he gets old you will have to let go more and more.
If you don't, you will end up with a weak momma's boy who will live with his mother well into adulthood!
I used to teach parenting classes. It's not just ex-jw's who want help deciding how to raise their kids. Keep in mind it IS always your choice. Some parents will be strict, some will be laid-back, some will be careless. I will suggest some basics, but you may want to hunt around for some classes that are age appropriate for your kids (for you to take, not them). I never viewed the classes I took as telling me what to do, but rather part of my "toolbox," stuff I could refer back to when establishing my own style. I got involved because I did not want to raise my kids like my parents raised me. It worked; I am a different parent.
Favorite author: John Rosemond - I like his stuff because it is very logical, and parent-centered. So many other experts set parents up to have their kids rule the roost. That's a recipe for disaster. Our job as parents is to set limits, teach right from wrong, help them learn the skills they will need as adults, share your values and love them unconditionally (this doesn't mean tolerating bad behavior. What's the cliche, "love the child, not the bad deed", something like that). Another well-respected auther is Adele Faber. I have her "Siblings Without Rivalry" book and it was very helpful.
The five basic principals of positive parenting are:
1. Lead by example
2. Clearly define your expectations (in other words, if you say "clean your room" does the child understand exactly what you expect)
3. Insure the child has what they need to deliver your expectations ( you may have to teach them new skills, how to use the vacuum, duster, etc.)
4. Give them the freedom to do it their way (end result is what counts, micromanaging creates neurotics)
5. Provide constructive feedback
Choose your battles is definitely a must. You and your spouse need to sit down and create a list of what you each feel is important, and how you want to best convey that message. It is also helpful once you've defined your limits, to discuss, in advance, the consequences for breaking them - here the more logical the consequence the better, ie. you miss curfew, you miss the next party, or you drive irresponsibly, you lose the car for the month, etc.
I find one of the biggest places parents miss out is in explaining their expectations to their child. My ex and I recently had a discussion on this. He was upset that our daughter wasn't doing her chores and had just not paid her allowance, but she thought he'd just forgotten to give her the money. He had never explained, in advance, that they were tied together, what exactly he wanted done, and when he expected it done. A simplier example, when the kids were little and we were going to the mall, I would tell them exactly how I expected them to behave, what I would buy them or not, and that we would leave if they didn't follow the limits set. They were almost always good and I was spared a lot of gimmes and whining (I had another trick for that too, but that's another post..pm if you have little kids and want the trick)
Leverage is everything - I have found as the kids got older that they are always wanting something from me, so I use these wants to get what I want from them. An example, "sure I will drive you to Suzie's as soon as you are done cleaning the bathroom." It works like a charm as long as you don't get wimpy and keep your end, when they haven't kept theirs. Consistency is important!
I'm the kind of parent that prefers to teach my kids how to handle difficult and potentially problematic situations and then let them go, discussing the event after that fact if necessary. Ultimately they will be out on their own and it is far better they know how to stand up for what they believe is right, have the ability to say "no," and be able to logically process the values you have instilled in them. If you protect them from the world, they never learn how to live in it.
So as to the party scenario you described, I would have made sure my child not only understood my values on all the "ugly" stuff (sex, drugs, smoking, drinking, etc.) , but that if they broke the rules I set, they would not be attending such events for some time to come. I also came up with simple plan for concerts; I drive both ways and EVERYONE who rides with us MUST stay sober and smoke free. If I detect anything when I pick them up, my daughter is in trouble and I will tell the other parent. It worked.
Where I used to live, the YWCA taught classes and had a sliding scale for fees. You may need to do some hunting. I'd also be careful of church-led groups, and study what principles they are recommending first. There is still a lot of "spare the rod" kind of instruction out there.
Good luck. And i apologize for always being so darn wordy. I make my living writing. Can you tell??? LOL
I forgot to add, I have two teen daughters of my own, 16 and 18, and so far they are good kids. They are both very comfortable saying "no" to the things I want them to at this point.
Oh, and definitely, if you haven't done so already, you must open the dialogs on sex. Not just the mechanics, and the warnings, and the how to be safe, but the emotional end of things too. You can't just say "Just say NO," because at some point they won't. You have to give them reasons to say no that appeal to their logic. A couple of things that help include the child having future desires and wishes that a baby would interfere with, and teaching self-respect.
You said you have a son, well if you haven't figured it out already, girls these days are very aggressive, and not all view sex as something special or sacred. No matter what neighborhood you have him in, there will be girls who will "hook up" and not give a darn. He needs some specific guidance on how to tread those waters and keep his dignity and face. Dad may be the better resource for that guidance. Guys need to know how to say "no" too, and that they too, have a right to be choosy.
