Now of course, I know it kills me. And you know it's killing you. Yet here we are, puffing away. How do we allow ourselves to do this?
..it's called addiction.
Smoking is a delicate subject to me. When I clicked on the title of your thread, I thought, oh no, not another one trying to tell me that I don't quit because I don't really want to quit.. Trying to make a long story short.. I am 42 and have smoked since I was 11. I am an extremely strong-willed person and there is nothing I can't do if I really put my mind to it. (Well, ALMOST nothing.) I remember one day saying to a friend of mine.. "I have decided to walk from New York City to Las Vegas" That friend of mine did not laugh, she knew me too well. I did it and it took me ten months, but I did it. What I'm saying is, I have a very strong will, an enormous passion, and lots of determination, I really do. However, I can not (can not, can not) quit smoking. I have done anything humanly possible, and for several years, the urge to quit became an obsession. Every cigarette I smoked disgusted me to no extend. I have gone to several doctors, etc... Not one, but two different doctors have told me that there is something about me, about the way I physically and mentally react when I lack my nicotine fix. I start shaking, lose my hearing, lose part of my sight, have trouble breathing, not to mention the nervousness.. I cry without interruption (and I am NOT they crying type). This really is a true story. Now, those doctors have told me that perhaps I should not totally quit smoking after all, as it might not be good for my health to do so. I wanted to quit so badly, because being a JW and smoking don't go together, and I wanted to get baptized so badly. At one point in time, I began a study of the whole smoking phenomenon, thinking, perhaps if I really understand every aspect of the addiction, I might be able to kick it. The results of that study were not what I had expected, and they disappointed me. Apparently, researchers are more and more agreeing that smoking is controlled by something in your brain and you have less control over it than you think you do. I am sure that some will disagree with this, but I am only stating the results of research here.
Oh, have I told you yet that I hate smoking? How do I justify it to myself? I can't and I don't. Until recently, I felt guilty about every cigarette I smoked. After deciding not to go to the KH anymore, things got a lot better. I have now somewhat taken peace with the fact that I am, and perhaps always will be a smoker. I have set some rules for myself, and as long as I stick to them, I will be fine and free of guilt. I never, NEVER smoke in the house. I go our for every cigarette I smoke. I never smoke more than 12 cigarettes a day. I'm happy when I can stick to ten, but sometimes I go up to twelve. I never smoke before 11am and never smoke in a vehicle.
Geez, am I wandering off the subject? Some who read this will most likely think that I am a typical example of someone who is trying to find excuses for herself when it comes to smoking. To them I will say, trust me, you don't know me, and I am the last person who would want to excuse myself for something like that.
So, if you want your few clove cigarettes, as long as you can stick to just a few, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But don't forget that smoking is more addicting than alcohol, gambling, heroin.. A few years down the road, you might find yourself smoking more than a few of these goodies, every day. You do need to be aware of that. The road to addiction is paved with compromises, trust me, I know. It is true that a few cigarettes a day are not more dangerous than anything else. What IS dangerous is the danger of wanting more than just a few..
