I had to say goodbye to my s/o yesterday for the last time. It has become more and more apparent to me that the reason we were together, at least for me, was that I sought out the same type fo restriction I had on my as I grew up and stayed in "the truth". I posted about this before, but not like this. I really have commited to myself to not let this relationship restart. Reasons I think it is bad...
- She doesn't entertain the idea that there can be more than one way to view something or that her views could possibly be wrong. Even in the face of questions she cannot answer, even posed in the most civil manner possible, she simply clams up and responds in the "that's just the way it is" mentality.
- She thinks all people are inherantly bad unless they prove otherwise, most people are not worth knowing, and there is no hope for those she has "officially" determined are bad.
- I am in sales, however I am doing something wrong if I take a client (male client) to dinner, meet for drinks, etc.
- Any conversation of any kind with any woman is suspect and results in a literal barrage of questions.
- Any inavailability via cell phone means I am doing something I am not supposed to be.
- She cannot fathom what it is like to find out your life was all a lie, and can't understand why I would need to go to a forum like this and associate with all these people I don't know, or even why I can't just "get over it".
The thing is, even though I know all of the above reasons, I still feel the pain (hurt? anger? insecurity?) that comes from having something you love go away. So then I have to think, what did I love? That, too is similar to what the org did to me. They both gave me just a little of the thing I wanted the most, the "friends" the "security blanket". Just like when I realized I could be no part of it any longer, I feel the same lonliness and desperation, fear of yet another thing and person I love going away.
Anyway, i just wanted to write something because it hurts so bad, even though I know I'm doing the right thing. It helps already just to put this where someone else can see it.
W