(Sorry, this got really long.)
How do I get out?
Here's the deal. I've been married for 10 years. Grew up in a "divided household" (Dad not a Witness). My mom came into the "Truth" in about 1977. I did some holidays early on. I am the oldest and have a couple sisters and a brother. Went to Bethel when I was 19 for about 2 and a half years. Left and got married to a pioneer sister I met while at Bethel (she was not a Bethlelite). I have been married for 10 years.
About 7 or 8 years ago I read a book called "Secrets Of Sinai" which was a great book, and for awhile I got into translations and would look up stuff and compare translations at the library. It became pretty clear to me after awhile that the Society had changed much more in the Bible than they let on - and that wasn't even the REAL reason I was looking the stuff up - I was just trying to bolster my faith.
Around the same time the new Creator book came out (I think it was around the same time). There were quotes in that book from scientists and scholars. I recalled that some of these same experts had been quoted in the old Odyssey space magazines my mom subscribed me to as a kid. I was way into astronomy and outer space and rockets and stuff. I had a hard time believing that these same guys that used to spout evolution were now saying the earth was created. I looked up some of these magazines and books that some of their findings were published in and realized that the Society greatly took their statements out of context. I'm embarrassed to say that as a Ministerial Servant I even bragged that the new Trinity brochure had a quote from the Catholics own encyclopedia claiming that the Trinity didn't make sense! If only I had looked at the Catholic Enclyclopedia myself I would have realized they took their quote WAY out of context.
Also about the same time I started to become conscious of some of the weird logic the Society would use to make points. Nothing specific - but I would just remember thinking to myself that things didn't make sense. Lots of fallacies. One I never got even as a kid was, "How do we know the BIble is written by God? Because it says so right in the bible!".
By this time I was in my mid-20's and had lived in several different cities and had noticed a general pattern of JW's. There are the cliches - the ones with lots of money that seemed to be held to different standards. The families that had powerful elder husband/fathers and their children that completely skirted the rules. The powerful elders that just knew by instinct how many meetings they could miss without arousing suspicion. The cliques became obvious - and I realized I myself had been in a pretty powerful one in the congregation I had grown up in. I had been one of those clique people. Now my sisters family where I live are VERY well-respected in our littl area. They have TONS of money, successful business, and all of them are borderline alcoholics. Actually that is one thing that REALLY concerns me. I like my alcohol, but everywhere I go in the country JW's are rabid about alcohol. I guess whatever it takes to dull the senses. My mom had always said, "I have never had a problem with the Society, but I sure do have problems with the brothers sometimes." This seemed like a lame rationalization - because these people were the PRODUCT of the lifestyle the Society promotes. I believe there is a book that says, "By their fruits you will recognize them." (There was a thread on this somewhere recently on this board)
I also stepped back and took a look around and noticed that these people WEREN'T happy. Most that were happy were so blissfully into the "Truth" that you could hit them in the ass with every lie from the WTBS and they wouldn't get it. The others that were real happy were highly medicated. Most of the people in power did not really seem to be happy - but somehow their "priviliges of service" seemed to be what gave them fullfillment. Regional Kingdom Hall stuff, Service Committee Stuff, hall maintenance, and stuff like that. The differences between the WT and other organized religions were becoming less and less.
During all this time the "new light" from 1995 kept coming back to haunt me. I can't deny I felt gipped. In some ways it didn't surprise me. I felt like they were going to have to come up with something years before 1995 anyways- because, I really think I subsconsciously realized the ridiculousness of their claim that the generation would not pass before Armageddon hit. EVen when I was at Bethel some people sort of hinted that "something" was going to have to be done.
Speaking of Bethel, there were alot of things there that also set of bells in my head. Somebody mentioned one time at Bethel that Fred Franz's brother was once on the governing body and was now apostate. So I started asking around about what his beef was. I would get just dismissive generic statements about how the disagreed on some minor issues and Ray made a big deal about it. Some wouldn't say anything
Anyways, during all this time I have gone back and forth - highs to lows. I always felt all my doubts were just my cockiness exhibiting itself - the same cockiness of my "unbelieving father" that my mom used to guilt me with.
Then a couple years ago when the whole UN thing broke wide open, that really got my attention. Then when the child abuse scandals started being made known, that also got my attention. Even today I was thinking how weird it was that NO ONE really talks about the Dateline story. NO ONE. So strange. . .
I notice the tremendous lack of urgency anymore. I notice many many brothers simply choosing not to get active in the congregation - as in - being subject to the elders by being an MS or elder or whatever.
The final kicker came a few months ago when I decided to research my last thread of faith - dates. 607 yadda yadda. I am sure you know where I got with that. I was then FLOORED. I finally looked up and said to myself, "Well, that's it." But it's not that easy is it?
So here I am.
I have a wife in the "Truth" and 2 lovely daughters. The more I try and drop little nuggets of information about the hypocrisy WTBS or things that just don't "jive", the more she just shrugs it off. I have been staying up late for months now (though my doubts go several years back) researching. I have been researching and trying to come up with a concise list of gripes - using primarily only the Society's own literature.
I think the only thing I can do is clearly, honestly, and humbly present what i have found to her. On issues like 607vs586/7 and NWT Translation errors, trinity, creation, misquotes and flip/flopping on blood, the UN, child abuse, and whether or not they are prophets and stuff I have narrowed each point down to bulleted points and 1 or 2 of the society's own documents (stating there are plenty more where these came from) as smoking guns. I will then conclude with the Society's own quotes about false prophets, and religions that lie to their members. Also how they have condemned other religions on much less evidence than I have just presented.
Honestly? I am trying to stay positive, but I don't think it is going to go well. Both sides of our families are all in the "Truth" - one family member is the head of Regional Building Committee, others are elders, pioneers, etc. We have the book study at my house.
My question:
I cannot stand another month of field service and meetings. I need to make a break. I cannot stay at home after I leave. I can't fade quietly because I can't take the guilty looks of the congregation if they come to my house or if I see them while I am out on a business lunch at a restaurant or something. I was from a "divided household" and I can
I want to make sure I can still maintain communication with my kids. How do I do this? I feel like my wife is just going to resent me, and since we have really grown into different people I can probably deal with that. But I want her to know before that happens that I researched and provided a really strong argument. Even if she doesn't jump ship now, that what I tell her will sit with her and she will be reminded of it when she hears stuff at the meetings that don't jive.
Based on what I have read on these boards since I have been on (for about a month now) I am guessing I SHOULDN'T do a DA letter because that would make it "Official". I don't know how to fade quietly though if I am related to everyone in the three surrounding cities (20+ congregations) here.
Ugh. I just feel everything unraveling.
I only discovered this site about a month ago. I honestly don't know what I would do without this site now. I think only 15-20 years ago, had I been this age then, I would have just continued on like I am currently - thinking I was alone in this and that all apostates were just loony like the ones that used to scream and yell outside the Tacoma Dome in Washington State when I was a kid in the 80's. The fact is, they probably felt pretty alone then too.
You have no idea how much this site has helped me to realize I am not alone in this. I am just so freaking embarrassed that I stayed a part of this religion for so long.
So that's my story for now. . . there's alot more - like my parent's divorce when I was in my mid-20's and the "apostate" lawyer my dad hired. So my mom hired a WT Big Gun Lawyer. Naturally that turned ugly.
I'll save that for another time.
If you're still reading, thanks for listening,
ithinkisee