Did I challenge my JW husband too much?

by wordlywife 57 Replies latest jw friends

  • wordlywife

    Yes Country Woman you are right, and I did apologize for it. I don't/didn't even realize I was doing it, so that is defintely something I need to work on, interrupting him.

    When I bring things up about him referring to their ways as seemingly superior, he reverts back to the We're the ONLY one wordwide, etc. And I think he knows that I think it is condescending to say "commendable or admirable" when it comes from a JW viewpoint towards someone or another group. That's why I said the same about the WTBTS in that conversation, and I think he took it as an insult. He brought up PromiseKeepers (of which I know nothing) and seemed to talk about them as being a hypocrytical org??

  • Bumble Bee
    Bumble Bee

    Coming from a step family myself, I can't stress how important it is to your children that the discipline comes from you - NOT the step dad. He can be in on things, but you are their natural parent, and I think they would accept things better coming from you and not him, resentment will creep in if he does all the discipline. This might seem to go against the whole "head of the household" theory but I can't stress how important this is.

    Another thing, instead of saying this comes from the "society", "org", "elders" or "KH" maybe suggest to your husband to show the children from the bible and the bible only, no JW publications. You and your husband can sit down together, before hand whenever possible and discuss your course of action. My father did this, sent us to our rooms, prayed about the situation, and showed us from the bible whenever possible why we did what was wrong. (He came from a very abusive father, and never, ever disciplined us when he was angry - he took some time to cool down first by sending us to our rooms.)

    He knew your views when he married you, he has to respect your views as well, and recognize the fact that they are YOUR children. It is a two way street. When your child together comes around, I think you will have to lay down some ground rules right away.


  • frenchbabyface

    I must agree with Bumble bee on the step father problem here !!! (I've never let anybody acted like my son's father - boyfriends / friends / some uncles tried at some occasion and behind my back : ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH ! ... and that's probably also why I've stayed that long in a relationship that I knew would lead nowhere anyway, waiting for Tony to be Big enough to not need any father - I've been his Father and Mother PERIOD - but that's me !)...

    Now the problem with her husband is that he is not a father trouble (she doesn't tell that he is especially made or wathever ...), the trouble they have to face is related to how he feels (but because of what he does not understand about some principle) ... so IT IS much more RELATED to the JW thing as he absolutely need to put it in front when talking about it to get the point (cause it is his only reference to get the point), when there's NONE ! ...

    I would also agree with Country Woman ... but only for a while - and as long as we agree ... If he takes it for granted and expect me to wait each time that he have done what he wants to - WELL I WOULD TAKE OVER WHEN I NEED TO ! after 3 or 4 (ok will see later) for the same reason - what I think is best for the kid - not for my man - who should be big enough to take it.

  • LittleToe

    It sounds like the dogma is starting to get to his head. I don't envy you.
    My wife had the opposite problem, in that suddenly her opinion gained an incredible amount of weight, and as a JW-wife, she found that hard to cope with.

    I take it these are your kids that he's instructing in a manner that may potentially be against your own ethics and beliefs?

  • jeanniebeanz

    So sorry to hear of you troubles.

    There's been a lot already said, and some great advice too. I only have to say that these are firstly your children, and if he wishes to indoctrinate them with something that you do not believe, that is not okay.

    I'd make it perfectly clear to your husband that if he is going to approach them with a scriptural teaching and present it as okay, he has to clear it through you first. If he does not respect that, your situation is going to deteriorate, especially when he really starts to buy into the JW teachings and goes around you in an attempt to 'save' your kids. He may also be feeling increased pressure to 'get you under control' at the KH. They will make him feel like less than a man for not being able to, and no man likes to have his manhood questioned. That may be part of his anger lately.

    Take care,


  • AlmostAtheist

    I remember FreedomFrog and I having similar problems, though we were both dubs at the time. I would say something to my son, and she would interrupt and give her opinion, which I felt "undermined my authority" with my son, as well as making it appear to him that mom actually "ran the show". It's sort of pounded into the husband's head that he is the "head of the household", even to the point of saying things like "From Christ, to the Faithful Slave, to the Elders, to the Family Heads", as if the "Family Head" was some sort of spiritual authority figure. Just as he would never question the elders, no matter what stupid things they may say (e.g., "No gum at the Kingdom Hall"), so he expects his word to go unquestioned in his household.

    Questioning him privately is best. And you can always have a follow-up conversation with the kids later, explaining that he sees things one way and you see them another.

    Let me add that in the few months that we've been out from under the "headship arrangement", our household has become much calmer, far less combative. There's no need for turf wars anymore, since we're both on the same "turf".

    Women are smart. Whoda thunk it?


  • jwbot

    Please update us when you can, as I am very interested in this subject. I wish you luck.

  • sf

    Am I missing something here? These are YOUR children. Why on earth are you ALLOWING anyone else to do YOUR job?

    I hope you will not take offense to this, as it is my opinion only, yet women (mothers) that ALLOW this, and especially to this degree, have serious issues within themselves. Why would you sit back and let this occur? There must be something you fear you may lose in this relationship.

    No man, not even if I were to marry one, which would never happen by the way (that is just giving up my powers and freedom), would NEVER be ALLOWED to do MY job in parenting MY kids. Period. I'd show him the door posthaste. Come to think of it, these (parenting of MY kids issues) would have been seriously discussed BEFORE I committed to marrying him.

    But again, these are my opinions only. And I hope you do not take offense.


  • wordlywife

    Little Toe-

    Yes, he adds a lot of guilt about their behavior and Jehovah God, which i don't like. Expects things done the FIRST time asked. Reminders maybe once and then they are being outright disrespectful, lazy, etc. These are little kids here I'm talking about, K and 1 st grade mind you, not adolescents or young adults. He is very rigid with consequences, takes toys and things away for indefinite periods of time. He has never used a Watchtower or anything, just the NWT. We have looked at the MY Bible stories book but I don't like it at all, I prefer not to use it.

    Dogmatic religion makes me very nervous. Lots of imposed guilt makes me angry. I'm free thinking, and want my children to know they have choices (not necessarily ones I would make, either).


  • LoverOfTruth

    You've got a tough road ahead of you.

    My ex-Husband was a fine man too and he was the Father of my Children. When I left the JWs, he emotionally abused them behind my back saying things like "You're mom is going to be destroyed, etc. etc." ~ I learned about this stuff after by children were grown. I should never have trusted him but after all, "He Was a Good Man"

    The advice given above to take control of the discipline of your children is Good.

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