The subtle distancing of my Witness past....

by logansrun 23 Replies latest jw friends

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  logansrun

  Hello folks,
  

  It has been said by many long-time ex-Witnesses that the greatest stage of "healing" we can go through is when we feel like an ex-ex-Jehovah's Witness. More and more I have been feeling this way. Perhaps it's my circumstances -- my only Witness contact, my mother, is very liberal and never, EVER brings up any JW stuff -- but I feel like the "wild, wild" world of Jehovah's Witnesses is growing into a distant memory. Oh sure, I visit this board every know and then, but it no longer serves the purpose it used to serve, which was something akin to, "God, my fingers are going to burn if I don't talk about this crazy Witness thing!!" It's so much different now. (Now is 2 1/2 years out of the dubs for those who don't know my story).

  For most ex-Witnesses there is the phase one goes through right after leaving the JWs when all you do is think about the organization and the weird doctrines and the control and the...on and on and on. I was there. I know what it was like for me, and I don't think I'm much different from most ex-dubs. When I first left the JWs I could hardly stand to even look at a Watchtower. Periods of great anquish, cynicism, depression and immense anger overcame me on a regular basis. Things are much different now. From not being able to look at a Watchtower I grew to being able to stomach looking at it and getting fumed with anger. Then I would look at them and laugh. Now I don't even notice them! I think that's the true pinnacle of "healing" -- when you don't even notice any longer.

  Take it for what it's worth, folks. Every situation is different. Me -- I left at 25 and I have reclaimed some semblence of a life through many tears, much thinking and not a few mistakes. I'm no therapist or scholar, but in my experience I offer these suggestions to those of you who are already out and want to "kick their Witness rehab" up a notch:

  1) Read as much as you can in the areas of psychology, philosophy and religious studies (preferably Eastern or non-Biblical). Developing a philosophy of life that is more profound and enlightening than what you had is critical. A drab "live for today" materialism/hedonism is NOT the answer. (Nor is any totalistic belief system). Get books on tape or CD to listen to in the car if you don't like to read, or even if you do. The power and reassurance of another human voice relating "deeper" things is quite profound, especially if all that you're used to is hearing "Witness" talks. I recommend the Teaching Company www.teach12.com for their excellent selection of courses and instructors. Well worth the money! Remember, anything non-Witness/Apostate-related is what you want to aim for.

  2) Limit your time on "apostate" and ex-JW forums. I don't think Simon or the mods will have a problem with me saying this, but too often the ex-JW becomes "hooked" on ex-JW stuff, most notably this forum. Rehashing the past is not generally a healthy thing. Are you glad you're an ex-JW? Good. Now let's get on with it!

  3) Forgive and understand your Witness relatives/ex-friends, including those that shun you. This is so difficult, but an important step (usually #2 must accompany this). Yes, Watchtower teachings and practices are wrong. But, for those who believe it, it's true. In my experience, most JWs are like any other human being -- really good at heart. No matter how stupid or childish they may act (due to indoctrination) they are, at the core of their being, a good person. This even includes some people at the "top." Take this compassion deep into your being. Trust me, it will change your opinion of the JWs when you view them critically but at the same time sympatetically.

  That's the main thing that's worked for me. Time is a healer, of course, but so many seem stuck in "bitter ex-JW" mode that I feel relating some of these thoughts would be of benefit. There's nothing new about them. Basically, it's just common sense. Take it for what it's worth.

  Bradley
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  Elsewhere

  Yup... I know what you mean. Sometimes I can feel myself being less and less concerned about JWism. I know I still have a way to go, but I have come a long way.
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  MungoBaobab

  GREAT post, logansrun. Truly profound. I'm glad to hear you've found a way to "renew!" I hope to be where you are in three years, but only time will tell.
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  Fleur

  Perhaps it's my circumstances -- my only Witness contact, my mother, is very liberal and never, EVER brings up any JW stuff --

  To be honest, I think that you hit the nail on the head right there. I have been out for going on seven years now, and on exJW forums on and off for going on five. But the thing that draws me back, I find, is the fact that 99 percent of my family are still in and when issues arise, deaths in the family, weddings, anything else that causes the wounds to be reopened, I need to come back and talk to people who truly understand what I have been through and many of whom are going through it themselves.

  I am thrilled for anyone who gets their whole family out or who only has one or two JW relatives and can find a way to put the past behind them quickly. There definitely is the danger of getting 'stuck' and bitter. That is a waste of time and life, in my opinion.

  On the other hand, I don't think though that if you've never been shunned on a grand scale by everyone in your family including parents, that you can know how deep the pain is. It's just a matter of never having been through the experience yourself; its like, well, for want of a better comparison, child birth. You can describe it and people can understand the mechanics of it, but you can't know it until you've suffered it. I guess guys can say the same thing about getting kicked in the...well you know.

  It's a singular kind of pain, and people process it differently. Your advice to forgive those family members who shun you is good. I try to do that because I know that they are doing what they think is the ultimate act of love. But I also hold each of them accountable now as to how they treat me at any given time based on the circumstances, like the issues surrounding the recent death in my family. They're treating me like shit and I don't think that is at all okay. I don't know when I will be able to forgive them completely for their coldness.

  I understand where you're coming from...you give good advice that I am sure will apply to many here. For myself, I have realized that no matter whether or not I ever post here again or if I just go off into the sunset and do other things (it's not like I 'live' here anyway) that I am now and will always be, on some levels, a recovering Jehovah's Witness. There is no way to push any emotional fast forward buttons and make it go away. Especially since I have to continually deal with JW issues literally every day of my life because of my child.

  I guess it's like 12 step groups: take what you like and leave the rest. Some folks move through their recovery more quickly than others, but all bear the scars. We just wear them differently.

  this probably makes no sense I'm sick as a dog and its way past my bedtime...but I just wanted to respond. I hope it made some sense.

  I wish you every joy, peace and happiness,

  essie
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  Country Girl

  Buut. but... but.. what about my close friends I've made here? They're just regular friends to me, and not like XJW friends anymore.... <sob>.

  Country Girl
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  gdt

  may I add that what has been said in this post by logansrun and fleur has much merit, in my opinion. It is years since I read c of c, and all other opposing literature printed, when I was df'd, and anyone who wanted me to stay away from the Witnesses made sure I got all this anti stuff. 20 years ago actually.However, no one has yet to offer an alternate brotherhood no more perfect than the 7 congregations Jesus 'visits', or the actual congregations of the early centuries who needed and were given strong counsel on all aspects of living, preaching, enduring etc etc. No one, nothing. Individuals may be well-meaning, correct even, but.... (except being totally atheistic as God has not shown himself to any of us at this point in history.)

  Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year? How much longer? Mankind now has capacity for total human/animal/plant life to be destroyed, nothing more or worse need be made. 'Unless the days were cut short'?? Time to be awake surely, and respect the Creator Jehovah God.

  And guess what, not even thinking of counting time......just couldn't hold back much longer and trying to disagree agreeably with much of what is poured out on this board.

  Cheers, gdt.
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  Markfromcali

  Here's a real simple way to look at it: Whatever you do, be active and engaged. There's a lot of beliefs about being an exJW, including the identity of an exJW itself. (which is not to say there isn't heavy conditioning, but being it is different than having it) So mentally speaking it is real easy to go to sleep again, just take the position of "well now I'm against this cult, and all these people are with me so THERE." Be against it all you want, but what I'm saying is you've just settled yourself into a new position, which is in effect passive rather than active, (as far as shift in consciousness is concerned) and when that happens there is no work being done, and we resort to nice little sayings like "time will heal", etc. etc.

  And the point is simply that it is a lot of work. And this is mental work, which can be tricky as it is work on yourself - because you want to free yourself completely, so strictly speaking it isn't just a matter of reading books and taking in information. You gotta look at yourself and see how you are, where you're at. Obviously this kind of insight doesn't just pop up 24/7, but it's not going to come if you're just resigned to your beliefs about being exJW either. You want something to change, do something different. Maybe what you're doing is different than what a JW would do, but if it's the same as what you've done since day one of being exJW then evidently it only gets you so far. And again this includes mental activity, the point is just not to get stuck in a rut - even if it is an exJW/apostate rut. Is it possible that instead of logging field service hours, you log hours here? Hey, I'd much rather log hours here, and there's a lot of diversity here on this board - but are we getting new things out of it?
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  Markfromcali

  However, no one has yet to offer an alternate brotherhood no more perfect than the 7 congregations Jesus 'visits', or the actual congregations of the early centuries who needed and were given strong counsel on all aspects of living, preaching, enduring etc etc. No one, nothing.

  If you really believe that, you must not be paying attention. Maybe it's not a nice package, but if there was any discernment the care people show is evident.
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  Country_Woman

  we can go through is when we feel like an ex-ex-Jehovah's Witness

  Bradley, thats because you now are going to be your normal self - without etikets - just Bradley.

  And I bet that feels so goooood.........
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  logansrun

  A few thoughts,

  gdt,

  While I appreciate your well-intentioned words, I must disagree with the tone of your posts, this one included. You seem to be a sort of Witness apologist and that is not what I intended by my post at all. I believe the JWs have some fine and noble people -- and some positive qualities organizationally -- but the core of their religious philosophy is convoluted apocalyptic extremism. My hat's off to anyone who can leave this religion (and others like it). My hat's off a second time to those who can leave it, and leave it alone (for their own well-being). I hope you can follow that course.

  Fleur,

  Make no mistake, I have been through a great deal of JW-related pain. Although my mother is a liberal JW, I have lost, essentially, my sister, brother-in-law (both of whom I talked to regularly) and dozens of friends. In fact, although I'm not DFd or DAd I was shunned, absolutely shunned, by an elder and his wife last week. Yes, my pain is not nearly as great as some and it does surface every now and then (what will it be like when I go to my grandfathers funeral when he dies?), but I also realize that my feelings and my life course follow the thoughts that I dwell on. Many ex-JWs seem do believe that years and years of "processing" their Witness past is going to be good for them. Could it be that it simply makes it worse? That's a question I leave open.

  Country Girl,

  It's funny, but psychologist Gordon Allport's idea of functional autonomy comes to mind when I read your post. Functionally autonomous behavior can be illustrated by the following: Suppose a young child wants to impress his parents and win their favor by getting good grades at school. He must study hard to do this. Long after he wins his parents regard (or not!) he continues to study hard because he enjoys studying. His action is the same (studying) but his reasons for doing so have changed (winning over his parents vs. the enjoyment of studying). His behavior is functionally autonomous from that which first motivated it.

  Many ex-JWs on message boards are doing something similar, imho. Their first motivation to be on the board was to talk about their JW past. It then evolves into a motivation to keep up friendships gained, engage in small talk, etc. It's functionally autonomous. Nevertheless, I see obvious dangers.

  I love strong coffee in the morning!

  Bradley