Will the shunning began?

Mystery

I fade over 20 years ago. Moved 800 miles from my JW family. I see them about once a year. Either them coming here or me going there.

I have a 16 year old son that has had a lot of problems. We finally had him diagnosed, he is bipolar and ADHD. It had taken 3 years but we finally (I think) have him on the correct meds and he is doing much better mentally.

During this time my mom and sister basically ignored the fact that he has a mental problem and has in a round about way said that if he had been brought up a JW?? everything would have been different. (Yea right ? he probably would have succeeded in his suicide attempts!)

I am not even going to go into that, I have another problem now. My ?baby? is going to be a daddy in 8 months. His girlfriend is pregnant. They are both only 16.

Not to mention the pro?s and con?s of this and the thousand other things that are on my mind; when it comes to me telling my mom and sister (and them telling the rest of the family) I become physically ill. When I think of calling my mother to let her know that she is going to be a great-grandmother I literally get sick. How do I tell her this? I have to tell his father also (not a JW ? but lives 10 miles from my mom) I am not near as upset about telling him. Even tho that will not be easy either.

I have thought for the past several years of writing my mom and telling her my reasons for never being able to return to JW?s. I am tired of (even tho it is only once a year) hiding things in my home so that ?they? wont see them. I am tired of being careful of what I say to them. I am tired of not being able to share my life, my real life with them. I am tired of listening to their ?adventures? out in field service, the assemblies, the new publications that are out. I am tired of their ?pity? for me. And for believing that "one day I will come back". Sometimes i simply want to tell her I will never be back and let the disfellowshipment began. I may now be getting my wish.

Are there any standards on how to treat a person (daughter) in my situation? Will they shun me now that my 16 year old son is about to be a father? Will this be the last straw to me being disfellowshipped? In a way I hope it is; but being thought of as ?dead? by your family isn?t very appealing either.

Thoughts or suggestions on how to tell her? Any idea?s on how I will now be treated?

gypsywildone

I don't know, but I hope not. That is a trick they are good at, kick a person when they need the support though.

Hugs to you & your family!

Dansk

Hi Mystery,

You said:

I am tired of being careful of what I say to them. I am tired of not being able to share my life, my real life with them. I am tired of listening to their “adventures” out in field service, the assemblies, the new publications that are out. I am tired of their “pity” for me. And for believing that "one day I will come back".

Very wearing, isn't it!

If it were me I'd just be honest. You really don't know what's going to happen, although you may have a good idea. You've made it plain you're fed up with everything that goes with being a JW. Being true to yourself has to come before anything else. When you do that you really start to live.

Disfellowshipping? Their loss! Always remember that. You don't need them and there are plenty of really wonderful people here. I know, it can seem lonely at times - but you've enough to be getting on with without having to worry about all the garbage that could be fired your way.

You've done well thus far. Now it's time to really think about yourself and your immediate family. If people can't take you for what you are and accept what's happened with your son without being judgemental, then you are amongst the wrong people. I guarantee when you truly separate yourself from the organisation, which can include family, unfortunately, you'll feel a lot less tired!

All the best to you,

Ian

outoftheorg

Well let's start with this. EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DESCRIBED RE.YOUR SON also happens in the world of jehovas witnesses.

I have a daughter "raised as a jw" who is bipolar. I have a son also "raised as a jw" who has gotten a young girl pregnant. He also smokes, uses drugs, spent time in jail.

Since you describe your parents behaviour as happening for several years, it is doubtful they will ever change, in how they deal with you.

It is your life. If you are tired of doing the dance to please them, let the light shine into your life and be the real you.

Stop the worry, fear, and self condemnation and let the whole thing work its way to a conclusion.

Just my opinion.

Outoftheorg

kls

I couldn't have said it as well as Ian has but if i could have those would be my words.

Dansk

Just my opinion

And a good one at that!

Ian

kls

I would like to add ,,,do not let them feel you are ashamed of your son by hiding the truth.

I hope that sounded the way it was intended. I mean what they would think not you. : )

outoftheorg

Thanks Dansk.

It is nice to see you posting here. I hope all works out well for you and your family.

You are in the hearts and minds of a lot of folks on this forum.

Best wishes to ya.

Outoftheorg

Mystery

Disfellowshipping? Their loss! Always remember that. You don't need them and there are plenty of really wonderful people here. I know, it can seem lonely at times - but you've enough to be getting on with without having to worry about all the garbage that could be fired your way.

Dansk you are right about it being their loss. My mom won?t share in the life of her great grandchild, her first great grand child, due to a man?s organization that she has committed her life to. She is choosing them over us. It doesn?t upset me as much as it used to. My husband?s family, all 7 of them, will more than compensate for the attention of our first grandchild!

Dansk how are you doing? I believe if anyone can recover that it will be you! You are sincere and heartfelt and one on this board that I really enjoy hearing your comments.

Since you describe your parents behavior as happening for several years, it is doubtful they will ever change, in how they deal with you.

It is your life. If you are tired of doing the dance to please them, let the light shine into your life and be the real you.

Outofthe org you are right as well. I am tired of dancing and as so many others, leading a double life due to them. My father passed away (an elder) in 2000; I was basically shunned at his funeral by my ?old friends?. My mom and sister and brother in law (MS) are the ones that a judging me now. I felt sorry for my mom because we lost my brother in ?95 (literally). I didn?t want her to lose a daughter as well. But this time it is by her choice; not due to something we couldn?t control.

do not let them feel you are ashamed of your son by hiding the truth. Early congratulations Gram-ma.

KLS ? I have enough judgmental people in the small community that I live in to try to make me feel ashamed. I had 2 choices to make when I found out; hold my head down or hold it up. I chose up. Several people have stuck their noses up at me, but I just smile and say ?yes, I get to spoil him/her and then let daddy take back over?. I think the only reason I would have been ashamed would have been if they had of chosen abortion or if he would have said ?that it wasn?t his fault? and dumped everything on her. They are still together and are making plans to go thru this together. I won?t sign papers from them to get married; I told them if they still wanted to when they turn 18 I will have the biggest celebration for them that they have ever seen. And that I would baby sit for them. KLS you are the first to tell me congradulations! Nana is already taken by Courtneys mom; what will he/she call me?

It is time to let go. Let my family be my family, they are here for me and need me; and I need them to. Let the past be simply that.

Thank you

HEY GUESS WHAT???? I AM GOING TO BE A GRANDMOTHER!!!! God - does that make me old???

Granny Linda

{hugs to ya}, Mystery.

I really don't have much to add when it comes to JW's and their unpredictable behavior...even after a 16 fade. I do however believe they are not exempt from any of life circumstances. Sometimes our JW family likes to think themselves above it all, but it just isn't so. Yet we are the one's caught in mental turmoil over what "they might be thinking" about our life situations.

Let me tell you, Mystery - I wish I'd had a parent that would have bothered to seek help for my long ago mental illness. All that happened to me was being tossed in front of the elders, and my behaviour just worsened. So on that one to you.

My only child, a son, became daddy at age 19. I was not a happy camper hearing that news because...well, they are just so young and immature. I was very happy though knowing my JW family would not be around to do their usual bullshit guilt, shame and fear act with my son and his girlfriend.

Ten years down the road...my JW family has never seen any of my now 3 grandchildren. My son and his wife have matured and are well on their way for being that loving family many of wished for, but were denied because of that sickening religion.

I sincerely wish for you that your circumstances stay intact...if that's YOUR desire. You call the shots because when push comes to shove would you want your grandchild subjected to the endless babble of that religious neurosis? {not being callous}

I've been out for over 30 years and should I ever have opportunity to see my family as I have somewhat in the past....it just never ends with those people about Jehovah blahblahblah, and I really ain't gonna listen to it today. I'm much too busy with those wonderful grandchildren of mine. Especially now with Christmas just around the corner.

Keep us posted as to the blessed event...and remember that those two young adults will need support, comfort and reassurance during a most stressful time in their life.

From one Granny to another...

Will the shunning began?

Share this