I'm sorry for sounding angry at you guys. I'm not. There's just so much going on right now. I feel like I have nobody to turn to. This forum just doesn't feel like enough. I usually talk to my sister and I don't have her right now, so it's really hard. My husbands family keeps calling here, the elders are coming to the house. I have renovations going on. Mr. Horton and I aren't getting along, as planned. It just feels like too much. My car is falling apart this week. I have to get that fixed or get a new one. It's overwhealming, the kids are kids as usual. Diapers, arguing. It just feels crazy. I'm trying to hold it together but wonder what life is really all about, because right now mine isn't fun. I keeping hoping for a sunnier day. I'm determined not to go back to the truth though, the socalled truth because then my fight for freedom would be all for not. sorry to be such a pain in the ass right now. I'm venting so much. It feels good just to type it out. I know things will get better though, because I'm a fighter, and they always do. I refuse to cave, to be unhappy. I will get my act together guys, you'll see. I'm a tough cookie. It's the only way I've survived. thanks for listening hugs panther
It's happening, the anger and depression are taking over
by Tim Horton 33 Replies latest jw friends
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outoftheorg
Well Tim, for me I really don't know what to say that may be of help, that others have not already said.
I replied to minimus post on " how to handle the blues" maybe that will be of use. I can't say it will.
Anger is a good tool and of all our emotions, it is the one we will have when all the others are used up.
So using it correctly and with control is needed, since it is our most powerful emotion and is dangerous. It is dangerous for us and those around us.
I went through a divorce and a stage of terrible anger. I had to see a psychiatrist and found I also had deep clinical depression. The meds helped and the counsel cleared up some issues of mine and explained the issues of my now x wife. When I could grasp the causes it helped me to understand her actions and my own. It provided some foundation and points of reference from which to balance myself and my feelings and get on with restructuring my life.
I had lost my identity, which is sometimes not understood by others and ourselves and leads to lots of "inner confusion."
Does any of this sound familiar??
It took some time for all this to clear up. I was off the meds in about a year and then just coasted along with the stream of things. I didn't expect to be over it all in just a year or two. It took about 3 yrs to put most of it behind me but I doubt if I will ever be completely unaffected by the cult and the resulting life threatening changes it thrust upon me.
I am sorry to see you going through all this, & wish I could do more for you. All I can add is that time does heal almost all of the damage and things will get better.
If you think I can be of help. You are free to private e mail me with questions.
I wish and hope for all the good things this world has, to come to you in large bundles of love and contentment.
Outoftheorg
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orbison11
hi mrs horton
sorry for your feeling the way you do. it is a hard one. i have been there also. mr horton and i chatted a while back and you two and i know most of the same people, although i am older. if you want to chat and share pm me.
orbi
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Big Tex
((Mrs Horton)))
You're in pain, I can see that. Every relationship has peaks and valleys, Nina and I are starting to come out of a pretty deep valley right now. But when we do, it only reaffirms how deeply we care for each other. But what I hear in you is something deeper. You sound as if your pain is very deep. Only you and your hubby can decide what direction to take the relationship. I will say that it will help you to talk to someone about what you are angry about. Holding anger in can act like poison. It is possible that the anger might be about something in addition to your marriage. Just a thought.
But you are not destined to be alone. It feels that way now, but that is because you're in the depths right now. You will find what you're looking for and where you need to be, but right now you need to resolve your pain and your anger. It is tough for you right now and I'm sorry you have to go through it. I wish I had a magic wand to make it better for you.
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Xandria
The five stages of grief are:
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal.
Anger is one of the most misunderstood of all the emotions we experience. Most of us are afraid of our anger and afraid of other people?s anger as well. We may have grown up in a home where healthy boundaries were not taught or respected, and the full spectrum of anger was displayed. This can leave us suspect of any feelings of anger when they arise in us. We just don?t know how to express them constructively, so we leave them until they boil over into rage, or they submerge deeply in our soul and harm us.
It may help to understand what drives anger. Anger is a secondary emotion. It is not primary. Therefore, something else ?drives? anger in us. The two things that drive anger are hurt and fear. When we are hurt by someone or something, we defend ourselves from further injury by displaying anger. No one wants to be close to someone who is angry, so it protects us from further pain. As a rule of thumb, ?where there is heat, there is hurt.? The deeper the pain, the hotter and more sustained the anger.
When someone we know or love is angry much of the time, they may be living with some deep-seated pain. We also demonstrate a release of anger when we are afraid. Anger is energy. It can be used to protect us from what we fear. We are born with two basic responses to things that threaten us. Those responses are ?fight and flight?. Anger gives the motivation to do one or the other. We may stay and fight the threat against our safety, or we may run away. Fear drives anger. Anger protects us.
Divorcing spouses both the Leaver and the Left will go through the same stages of grief in mourning the death of their marriage. Being aware of them can be reassuring, and help you view your emotional healing as being part of a normal, human process
The challenge to us is to learn constructive ways to handle our anger.
1) Recognize that you are vulnerable when you are angry. Be aware of your emotions, and don?t be afraid to admit them. It?s OK to say aloud, ?you know, I?m really angry at what just happened.?
2) Investigate your anger. Ask yourself, ?what am I afraid of? or, what am I hurt by right now??.
3) Share your anger with someone you trust?someone who will listen non-judgmentally.
4) Express your anger constructively. Find something you like to do and ?plug it into the exercise?. Take the anger with you. If you like to walk, run or do any exercise, expend the anger in that way. It is much healthier to get the anger out, than to hold it in. Remember, anger is energy, and it will affect your body.
So, be constructive with your anger. Rather than repressing it, learn to express it. You will find yourself allowing anger to become a motivating ally.
Denial
This can take many forms from denying that a divorce is even going to take place to denial of the emotional pain that's involved. If you find yourself saying "No, really, I'm fine," too early in the separation and divorce process, beware. Face the situation as it really is, head on. Only then can you begin to deal with it.
Anger
There may be many different sources of your anger. infidelity, physical or emotional, real or imagined; betrayal that even the "ever after" has come to an end, and with it your secure, dependable future; being left with the full responsibility of child rearing; being kept away from your children and denied visitation; feeling overwhelmed and stupid over so many unfamiliar chores to be done, like bill paying; sudden insecurity over your financial future; rejection; (Leaver) over ongoing pain inflicted during the last part of the marriage; (Left) feelings of confusion and perceived self incompetence.
This only begins to show the reasons for anger at the end of a marriage!
Bargaining
Some try to strike a deal with the soon-to-be-ex, with God, or any other likely candidate.
Depression
Basically this is the feeling of deep and weighty sadness, often with lingering anger. The physical and emotional symptoms of depression are legion. This is the point at which a lot of people seek professional counseling.
Acceptance
This doesn't mean great joy or riotous celebration. It simply means you have come to terms with the divorce. Both the good times and the painful ones belong in the past, and your future as a Newly Single is what matters now.
The Leaver and the Left will both go through the grieving, but they go through the stages at different times. And it's perfectly normal to bounce back and forth from one stage to another and back, sometimes bringing some of the others phases along for the ride.
You don't have to go through this process alone. A qualified psychotherapist or counselor can help you move through the stages past the anger and guilt, and will try to keep you from getting stuck along the way.
Shock
We tend to think of "shock" as being sudden. But the dictionary tells us it can be "a disturbance in the equilibrium or permanence of something" or "a sudden or violent mental or emotional disturbance." Therapists confirm that shock need not have the suddenness of a lightning bolt. You may have known for some time that your marriage was in trouble, but the final realization of the loss may still create a sense of shock.
Among the most common symptoms are extreme disorientation, numbness, difficulty with short-term memory, physical distress, and/or confusion. As part of Denial, the divorce-bound person may seek refuge in fantasy. "He's going to come in the front door this evening, and everything will be just like it's always been." There's comfort in the familiar. Denial provides a necessary buffer zone in which the unconscious prepares itself for the massive change ahead.
Guilt
Although both spouses may experience feelings of guilt, they do so at somewhat different times. The Leaver can feel guilt over leaving the marriage, no matter how unhealthy. In fact, the longer the co-dependent marriage goes on, the more each party is locked into their giving receiving role. The giver became accustomed to always putting others' desires and interests before his or hers. It may be agonizing for that person to suddenly put their mental well-being ahead of doing for others.
On the other hand, the Left may do a lot of hand wringing over various "if only" issues. If only I had been a better provider, lover, caregiver, companion, the Leaver wouldn't have gone.
The shock becomes less numbing with time, as the sufferer is better able to accept the fact of the major life change they now face. Both aspects of guilt can be addressed in joint counseling, or counseling for closure.
One of the most enduring methods for surviving trauma of any kind is writing out feelings. Divorce certainly qualifies as "trauma," and journaling is a good way to help you get through the pain, anger and sadness everyone experiences during such an event.
People often say they aren't "writers" and believe they can't journal because they think they must be good writers. When journaling, you don't have to pay attention to grammar, spelling, punctuation or pretty phrasing because it's for your eyes only. The object of journaling is to write out your feelings without analyzing them so writing becomes free-flowing and edit-free.
Writing is a physical act, and when you put pen to paper and let go of your mental editor, feelings will appear without effort. Here are some general tips:
Don't edit as you write; accept whatever comes up.
Use guided journaling in books such as the divorce and recovery journal by Linda C. Senn and Mary Stuart, M.A.
Forget grammar, spelling and turn of phrase.
Write until you feel finished.
If you're new to journaling, start out with old-fashioned pen and paper. You can switch to keyboard or typewriter later.
Write in blank journals that are published precisely for this purpose.
If you have difficulty knowing the difference between your thoughts and your feelings think back to the last time you were angry. What were your physical symptoms? Feeling hot (raised blood pressure), rapid heart rate (rise in adrenaline), faster breathing, and perhaps other physical symptoms can all be symptoms of emotion.
Feelings and emotions are located in the body. Thoughts, on the other hand, are abstract entities. If you're unsure whether you're thinking or feeling, take an inventory of how your body feels.
In the beginning, write whenever you feel the need. Eventually, feelings will begin to change and your journaling will evolve with them. When you first begin to journal your feelings about your divorce, don't reread immediately. Wait at least two weeks or even longer before looking at what you've written. Allowing time to elapse enables you to see your own growth and progress.
Feelings are fleeting and often we can't recall how we felt about certain issues or people. Keeping a journal captures your own personal history. In addition to giving yourself an emotional outlet during a troubled time, you're also giving yourself a historical record that will allow further reflection at a later date.
There are many painful questions at the end of a marriage, the primary one being "What went wrong?" Finding answers to that question can help put the past to rest and make for wiser decisions in the future.
The main difference between this and couples counseling is the purpose. Usually in the latter, the husband and wife try to work through their problems so they can make their marriage work again.
Counseling for Closure is more like a Monday morning review of Sunday's football game. The game itself is history, but you can analyze the mistakes everyone made along the way, so that, hopefully, none of the team members makes the same mistake in the next game.
Depending on the length of the marriage and complexity of the break-up, the process usually requires several sessions with two being the minimum. That allows time for each of you to consider the information that came out in one session, and address it more fully in the next.
You each may have questions about why your action distressed your spouse so much, or how you might have said or done things differently. You may also find that it takes one or two sessions for you to feel free to really open up, especially if you've been stuffing your opinions for the past many years. A competent therapist will keep either of you from brow-beating or intimidating the other.
These do's and don'ts will help you get the best results from your Counseling for Closure:
Do...
have a clear understanding between spouses that this is not counseling to make the marriage last.
explain clearly to the therapist that your mutual goal is closure.
carefully consider what did go wrong with your marriage. This sometimes spans the entire length of the marriage -- it's rarely a single event.
make out a written list of the points you want to bring up. Don't be surprised if you get through only a scant few of them at the first session.
after each session, go over the shared information mentally.
update your list for the next session.
Don't...
get into arguing matches with your soon-to-be-ex between sessions, in person, by phone or by e-mail. If he or she wants to debate a point, it should be brought up in the next session.
enter into a debate with the other over one of their points. Each of you is entitled to your own perceptions of past events. Saying "You shouldn't have felt that way." is pointless and inappropriate.
have a hidden agenda. ("I'll go along with this for now, so the counselor can 'fix' my spouse and make him or her come back to me.")
make this a free-for-all. Try to avoid being combative. Verbal kicking and gouging can stop the whole process of Counseling for Closure and pave the way for some hellish settlement negotiations.
feel like you have to cover everything in one session. Allow time to cover each item before moving on to the next.
Although you may hear a lot of hurtful accusations in the process, you'll also have a safe arena for getting your own views and pain heard. It can be a healthy beginning to the healing process.
LINKS:
http://www.1-800-therapist.com
http://www.interpeople-inc.com/why.htm
http://www.divorcedoc.com/legal-separation.htm
http://www.childrenofdivorce.com
http://www.committment.com/little5.html
http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap10/chap10e.htm
http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/healthy_abusive.htm
http://www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/treatment/angermgt.htm
http://www.divorcesource.com/index.html
http://www.heartchoice.com/divorce/
http://www.employmentspot.com/features/choosecareer.htm
Hope this helps.
X.
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stillajwexelder
hey xandria that is wonderful information summary
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Xandria
Thanks, there is a lot of resources out there. Just have to look, I know at times it is not easy to do so when you are feeling overwhelmed. Pick what works for you and know that you will be learning along the way.
X.
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Amazing1914
Hi Mrs Horton,
You made a note of something that I can help you with:
i noticed alot of people read my post and didn't reply. i guess there's alot of unfeeling people out there after all. thanks alot guys. some support group or maybe you just don't know what to say, or just don't care to say
I find that almost any thread I start has about a 20 to 1 response ratio. People don't answer for all kinds of reasons. Some have not had an experience like yours and so feel that they can't really contribute. Some take a long time to think through what they want to say, so as to make sure they give good comments. Unfortunately, at times, bad or misguided advice gets posted and causes trouble. I think that most care, but for various reasons don't respond. In my own case, I went through a divorce, but my circumstances were very different. I am still on very good terms with my ex. And it is possible that she and I will reconcile. So, I am reluctant to give advice on such an important subject where my knowledge is limited. However, like many here, I do care, and hate to see any fellow ex-JW suffer any more pain and trouble. I am sorry that marriage counseling and therapy are not helping you. In time, if you and Mr. Horton are not able to work things out, then you will eventually heal and move on ... even though right now it seems so very bleak. However, keep hope alive that you and he can work things out ... time also has a way of allowing people to rekindle the fires that first caused them love. The pain is in the waiting. It is a judgment call when to hold and wait, and when to cut loose and move on. It is this uncertain and uncontrollable aspect of real life that makes it so very hard. Whatever the case, keep sharing your feelings on the board. Because in time different posters will share and you will get some very good perspectives. All together, you may get some very good insight shared. And please trust that most here care, whether they comment on every thread or not ... and most here understand pain and are here for you ... either in word or in silent prayer for you. Jim W. -
seeitallclearlynow
Hello ((((Panther))))
If you want or need a little more info, a lot of it JW-related, in addition to the wonderful offerings already made by others here, you might also enjoy this link from the "Best of" series:
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/32/76182/1.ashx
I hope you're feeling less overwhelmed and distraught very soon, Panther. I would say pm me but I can't log in properly and have no access to pm or other features at the moment! Sorry.
Here's a beautiful Japanese Garden for you to contemplate:
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blondie
It helps to get a professional third party "opinion." They are not emotionally invested so can be more objective. Also, they have helped many couples over the years which gives them insight too.
Good relationships have ups and downs and it takes hard work to keep them going. I'm sure you have more in common than not and have weathered many bad times successfully in the past.
It is not happily ever after as in the fairy tales.
I hope you can find a good counselor.
Love, Blondie