How to Deal with Shunners Part I. It Is They Who are Afraid

by jst2laws 49 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Redneckgurl

    I know, it's been so long........but here I am!

    My mother still talks to me, not as much as before, but if there is something she is excited about or whatever, she will call me. She even comes over sometimes. Funny thing though, when I saw her out in public, and she was with some fellow JW's, she practically ignored me, said hi to me after 10 minutes and then it was very quiet like she was going to catch something from me if she got too close. I know why she did it, I am not mad at her, I just wish she could see the rediculousness of it all.

    I saw an "old friend" at a carnival that I was at with my kids a couple weeks ago, and this was her reaction to seeing me. She looked at me, her eyes got big and she made a sad face. Then she came up closer to me, turned her back and looked up at the sky and said "I know I am not supposed to talk to you, but I love you and miss you" then she walked away with a smile on her face and some look of satisfaction. I thought, how wierd is that? Why didn't she just look at me and say it? It was as if she was afraid of being seen saying anything to me.


  • Jim_TX

    Well... the only experience that I may have to add to this thread was when I was still married to the good lil' J-Dub wifey.

    Her brothers' wife got DF'ed - dunno know why - don't care.

    We were in Office Depot one fine Saturday morning when the DF'ed gal shows up to use the copier (or somesuch).

    Well the wifey goes into 'avoidance mode', and high-tails it outta there.

    I was right behind her - as an automatic reaction - and then when I thought about it - I stopped. I told the wifey - "I'm going back inside to talk to Deb."

    I went back in and greeted her, and chatted with her for a bit. I told her that I don't play by their rules.

    She thanked me... but unfortunately... she was going to try to 'get back in'... and get re-instated. *rolls eyes*

    Anyway... I felt better about not abiding by some silly rules that don't make sense - if you think about it.

    I mean... they'd talk to an ax-murderer - no problem! But their own DF'ed sister-in-law? No way! *rolls eyes - yet again*

    I learnt long ago to not 'play' by their rules.


    Jim TX

  • willyloman

    This is a terrific thread that will be helpful to many. And this, by Franklin, was particularly profund:

    Afraid that those of us who move on with our lives are proof to them that they; despite their devotions, can have doubts that their belief is NOT an absolute truth. Afraid that they may realize that they are wasting their lives; aftraid to realize all the missed opportunity they have passed by in devotion to this mindless belief
  • jst2laws

    Hello RedneckGurl,

    I thought, how wierd is that? Why didn't she just look at me and say it? It was as if she was afraid of being seen saying anything to me.

    There is more than one motive that may have been involved but I suspect 'fear' of getting caught was here main concern. With that in mind, you may want to look for opportunities to say the same to her our others but only in a setting they would feel free of getting caught.


  • missy04


    I think it's REALLY cool that you had the guts to do what you did! That took alot of courage! Wish I had that kind of guts! It's so cool and so funny!! LOL


  • Winston Smith :>D
    Winston Smith :>D

    A couple of recent experiences.

    Wife & I moved last week. We were in a pickle because we needed help moving, but who was going to help us? No one wanted to help us move if myself, a DA?d person, was going to be around. So it started panning out that some ?sisters? would move boxes on a Saturday, and then my friends [not active JW?s] would move the heavy stuff Sunday.

    I asked my wife how JW?s shunning me and not helping us move lined up the Jesus? illustration of the Good Samaritan.

    ?You understand that the Samaritans were apostates of the Jewish faith, right? Yet he was held up as a good example to follow in the Bible.?

    Anyways, I could see where this would end up. I would have to rent a truck for two days, and the sisters wouldn?t be able to move a lot of items because they were heavy. I would be stuck with an understaffed crew on Sunday. Plus I didn?t want to move on Sunday because that left us no time to clean.

    A week before I finally said that I am taking care of the move with all of my non-JW friends and family. She can have her JW girlfriends clean Sunday, and move little stuff on Friday.

    We had six guys moving our stuff and were finished right at noon. One was my now ?marked? JW brother [guess the elders view me as a bad influence] a ?worldly? buddy of his that I am friends with, another inactive JW who brought a truck, a DA?d person from this board and his son, plus a ?worldly? guy that I have become good friends with.

    Her girls did a good job moving little stuff Friday, but fell through on the cleaning part on Sunday. After picking up a washer and running other errands with a friend?s pick-up truck, I went over to the house late afternoon to clean with my poor wife who was stuck by herself cleaning our entire place.

    Among the errands I had to do on Sunday was return an appliance dolly from an elder. He let us borrow it and even called my cell phone on Friday and talked directly to me asking if I needed it. That was pretty cool of him.

    In the end, my wife was very appreciative of all of the help I was able to arrange. And I was very happy for all of her help as well, since she did a lot of the packing and unpacking of boxes.

  • Winston Smith :>D
    Winston Smith :>D

    Another recent experience was when I went to the Pixies concert a few days ago. It was me, a DF?d friend from my childhood, a Bavman, and a friend from my Martial Arts dojo.

    While at the concert, we ran into some JW?s. These are the ones who were typically considered ?fringe? and ?bad association?, but ones who I knew and were somewhat friendly with when I wasn?t being a self-righteous JW prick.

    After the concert in the lobby we ran into a large group who I and the DF?d person knew pretty well. About 6 people stayed to make brief conversation, but a few others walked right past us and waited on the stairs while we talked to their friends. They were starting to get nervous and used the excuse of going to work early the next day to cut conversation short.

    As my group walked out, we passed them up in the lobby.

    So much for getting to bed early!

    While outside, we ran into more JW?s! These JW?s were pretty cool and ended up inviting us to a bar afterwards, which we took up. Spent the rest of the night talking to them at a nice bar downtown, and ran into MORE JW?s at the bar, one whom is DF?d and a really good friend of mine.

    As I said, most of them are considered ?bad association?, but some of them still found it necessary to shun us. I joked that now even the bad-asses are scared of us!

    Oh, and I was wearing this shirt which probably didn?t help:


    My friend from the dojo [never was a JW, and didn?t know I was one] said he never saw so many JW?s in his life!

  • Winston Smith :>D
    Winston Smith :>D

    So in retrospect, I guess my attitude for the times I run into a JW has changed from just a year ago.

    A year ago, I would have been nervous and filled with resentment towards them. I would have even hoped to make them feel uneasy and put them in their place.

    Nowadays, it doesn?t even faze me if I see a JW. Just another person to me, and I treat them as such. If it is someone I know, I will go out of my way to say hi and be friendly to them.

    When the elder called my cell, my initial reaction was not fear when I saw his name on my called ID, but excitement that I was going to have a chance to talk to someone who was my friend at one point and has always been nice to me. He was the elder that married my wife and I after all. And I think that reaching a point of such peace with past events is healthy and must be a sign of healing from my WTS exit/DA?ing.

    Like Rachel said, if you really want revenge, then living well is the best revenge. On top of that, living a lifestyle and acting contrary to how the WTS paints us apostates will make them think on some level. Of course most JW?s will rationalize our behaviour that contradicts the WTS warnings, but why get yourself all worked over a JW?

  • willyloman

    Winston: great experiences, thanks for sharing! It does get easier with time, doesn't it?

    I couldn't help thinking what a great and valuable lesson this was for your wife, seeing all the support you got from the "bad associates" in your life, while her spiritual sisters -- who would supposedly lay down their lives for her -- pretty much flaked out when she needed help. And another piece of the foundation gets chipped away.

  • Dawn

    I have quite a few experiences, but will share this one because it's most recent and funny. A few nights ago hubby and I went out to a nice restaurant/bar to have some beer and appetizers. While we were sitting at the bar sharing jokes and funny stories, a JW couple (who I knew quite well years ago) came in and sat behind us. I didn't notice them, the bar was pretty full and I was focused on hubby. In fact, I never did notice them until they were done with their meal and the JW husband got up, came over, and leaned over the bar where I was sitting to get the attention of the bartender in order to hand him the bill. Funny thing is - he didn't need to do that - at this restaurant/bar you just leave your $$ on the table with your bill and the waitress picks it up. As soon as he (the JW husband) had my attention, then he turned on the "I'm being obvious and shunning you" look and behavior. So - I just turned back around and kept visiting my husband.

    The guy came over AGAIN and leaned over the bar where I was sitting (for some other useless reason), then when he had my attention, tried the "I'm shubbing you again" look. I thought it was hillarious! After all - aren't they supposed to be AVOIDING me? Evidentially, they can't avoid me unless I KNOW they are avoiding me. I got a good laugh over that one - how neurotic! At least it offered me some fun and cheap entertainment.

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