How does one forgive ??? PLEASE, I really need your help, PLEASE ???

by run dont walk 36 Replies latest jw friends

  • Will Power
    Will Power


    I know this is the worst pain. I am so sorry you are feeling it.

    May I suggest a book? After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring, Phd.

    It will help to put things in perspective from both sides of the story and help you on the way to try & rebuild trust. If you want to make the relationship work as a couple or not, it points out feelings, actions and reactions that can save alot of anguish. It will also make suggestions for counselling etc. Hope this doesn't sound like I have too much personal experience.


  • Scully

    By the way, run dont walk, I re-read your previous topic that you referred to: Well, ever think about leaving your mate for someone else ???

    I'm glad you declined the opportunity to have an affair. And I am really very sorry that you had to experience the pain that your wife's affair has caused you.

    I hope you guys can work something out.

  • patio34

    What an agony for you to go through! I'm very sorry that you have to. There's some good advice on this thread.

    What seems significant in this (just a couple of thoughts) are:

    1. She's devastatingly sorry and not callous about it. It was a one-time happening.
    2. In your title, you said not should one forgive, but how does one forgive. It seems deep down you want to forgive.

    Counseling, the book recommended, and well-used time seem to be part of the answer. Btw, not alcohol, which will surely give you more problems.



  • onacruse


    Having been through the same, I can speak from experience, though it's obviously only my opinion, and I offer it with all deference to the advice others here have given about efforts to salvage the marriage.

    imvho [edit to add: and non-professional opinion], sexual infidelity is the irrevocable end of a marriage. All the counseling in the world, all the efforts to forgive, all the considerations about the cost to the children and the financial cost of a divorce...that all means nothing compared to the violation of the trust that must, absolutely must, exist between a husband and wife. Once such a trust has been broken, in the attempted repair it still remains a broken trust.

    In my experience with other couples: I can personally recall only one [edit: two] time in 40 years where the marital bond had been violated and a successful reconciliation was apparently achieved.

    You have my empathy, and best wishes in making what (to state the obvious) can only be your decision.



  • teejay
    sexual infidelity is the irrevocable end of a marriage. All the counseling in the world, all the efforts to forgive, all the considerations about the cost to the children and the financial cost of a divorce...that all means nothing compared to the violation of the trust

    I refrained from saying it in such harsh terms myself, but that's exactly what happened in my case. I tried to forgive, I honestly did, but in the end the marriage and my commitment to it just wasn't the same.

    That doesn't have to be the case with you, however. People are different... have different needs, different tolerance levels. There are tons of examples where people were able to re-new their commitment and rebuild a life and happy union together. Children are also a consideration, not necessarily *the* consideration.

    What I discovered, more than anything, was how painful a divorce, even a divorce in an unhappy marriage, can be. After it was all over, though, it turned out to be the best thing to happen to me ? my only regret being that I hadn't done it much sooner.

    Whatever you decide, may you end up eight times happier than you are now.

  • seeitallclearlynow

    It sounds like the "act" has somehow brought you two together, even though it is painful. I can't speak from any experience, never having loved anyone enough (romantically) to care, but no one who was "supposed" to be faithful to me has ever done this. Still I don't see that forgiveness is the prime consideration. The relationship is the only consideration and it sounds like you both now see that you want to be together. So that's a really good outcome to the whole thing.

    If what she did is what has brought the two of you to this "place" after both being so troubled over the relationship, then I would say forgiveness can be automatic and then you just move on. People have their needs and sex is just one more way for some women to have their emotional needs met. It's no big deal, really. Life is short.

    I hope it all works out for you, truly.

  • SixofNine

    Sorry Run. I understand the pain.

    I'd only second what Navigator said, minus the advanced mumbojumbo ;-) (but keep the spirit of the mumbojumbo, lol, cuz it is the attitude to have), and what wolfgirl said. Also, re-read your earlier post about leaving her. Obviously, you've had marital problems for a while.

    Take care of yourself, and don't try to stay unless you really *can* forgive. IMO, not so many people can forgive even if they want to; it takes alot of introspection, and alot of that mumbo-jumbo that Navigator mentioned above. IOW, it becomes as much (or possibly even more) about you, than it is about her.

  • Gretchen956


  • frenchbabyface

    ALSO : what's cheating ?

    1) Sleping with someone else once because of an exeptionnel sexual attraction like she/he might get lost in the moment because of a sexual need that couldn't be satisfied yet or at all with you ?

    • That's just human ... or he/she needs to be very strong ... women have more control usualy over that, not because they are more faithfull but because it costs them more than men when they act that way (she would be seen as bitch when he would be seen as a player ...) It is the only reason I've never sheated on any of my partner (or left before) I would hate to be the one who did wrong and to hear that word and not being able to defend myself !!!

      But THIS CASE (maybe not your's the one I've just mention ) is "almost" nothing (I'd rather have my partner have sex with someone he might give too much attention and thoughs because he can't get there !!!) but that's me. Seriously what's good in knowing that he/she wants it so bad that he/she is dreaming about him/her instead of you or just common fantasies not related to someone in particular that they know and meet in real life ..
      I would forgive, but only once ! (cause It doesn't work more than once ... it's a blank check) ... and if married still go to see a conseller to get the point about WHAT'S NEXT ? Because I want someone STRONG (who is able to forget about his libito for others or just SET ME FREE BEFORE HE GET THERE !

    2) Sleping with someone else once or more than once because of some lakes in your relationship (whoever is responsible in the first place or the most responsible in the long run)

    • That is of course a bigger issue. Because both need to know where they stand and what the need to work on ... that's when it's time to go to see a counsellor (from oustide of your personnal accointance ... and professionnel) Otherwise the probleme will hung in your head and get back to bother both of you (and there is no way to really forgive without understanding from A to Z and adding/keeping true love in between you two ... It's a common job ...

    3) Having an exiting relationship with someone else ? (short or long ... or that makes your partner dependant to this relationship ? or kind of relationship (even without sleeping with that person) ? Or Having a serious loving relationship with someone else (while still behing with you)?

    • That's more than an cheating problem it's a double issue ... Means that you are putted in concurrence when you shouldn't (related to your commitments) ...

      There is decision to make (get in concurrence ? well it's not interesting, cause how do you know what the other one bring to him/her ... every aspects does count and you're not supposed to be perfect in all the ways she/he wants/need you to be ... that is when it's time (when love is still there) to become friends and end up the relationship for you both to find the one that you can satisfied / or realise how much finally you miss each other.

    ALSO (to considere) : When people are cheated on they get into the "insecure systeme" they feel like "OMG I'm loosing something" ... BUT BECAUSE OF WHAT EXACTLY ? Losing the wife or husband that stay quiet home and with you waiting for you and her to be happy ? BUT HOW ?

    With true love (the kind you need to stay together without suffering and getting bored even if nothing is perfect,

    With something else not related to true love exactly (that's when you'll always on the grill) like : because of "understanding" as real frienship/supportive relationship, or anything (bad in fact) like for instance the "good money provider" ... That's not love ... and he/she might find it somewhere else a day or an other (at any time). That's an "insurance king of relationship" with actually no garanty ... (it only avoid lonliness, but again what kind of lonliness ?)

    If you love each (Love or friendship) you'll work it out in the best ways

    in staying together and feed your love everyday
    in setting both of you free to give to each one a chance to find what's best for they're own needs (no garanty ... but still better than staying (and one or both you) and suffering in sustaining a weird and not stable relationship.

  • codeblue

    Hi (((Run)))........I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain.

    My first husband cheated on me repeatedly. I NEVER trusted him after the first time.

    We didn't receive any kind of marital counseling, so issues were never really dealt with.

    So, decide if you both want to keep the marriage, then get counseling, so you both know how to work together on this.

    However, if you feel you can NEVER trust her, it is best to part. Trust is the essential ingredient to a relationship as I have found.

    My husband kept cheating and even with my best friend in the truth(tm). We divorced 3 weeks short of our 20th anniversary.

    As I look back, I would have saved myself much emotional grief by divorcing him after the first time he cheated. (it was just before our 2nd anniversary)

    Of course, this is an individual matter. I don't really know all of your circumstances and only you know what is best for you.

    I am so sorry you are experiencing hurts tremendously.

    I second what Scully said about the alcohol will make the matter worse.

    Many hugs for you,


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