All of my life,, except for the last two years I was a JW, and I wonder if I will always feel like I am still so very different from the rest of most everyone I know. I guess I still feel like I am on the "outside" looking in, in on the world of the people I was so alienated from for so long.
I celebrate birthdays, all the holidays, I stand for the National Anthemn, but still it does not quiet feel second nature to me . As I stand watching my son play high school football, my mind is always wandering on the marvel of what I am seeing. I am seeing my son live his life as all the other kids on his team are, he is happy , he is free. Yet, I know that even thou he got out of the dubs at the age of 14, he also sees things the way I do. As he team is standing before the game , hands over hearts in respect for our Country, we look over at each other and with out words we know what each other in thinking. It seems odd to do this customary ritual , it is not natural to do this without thinking of all the years we did not do this.
I guess it will take the rest of our lives to feel more and more natural about the things that our friends and neighbors do everyday. I sometimes wonder what they are thinking as they have their hands over their hearts. Do they have a thousand thoughts going on about God , if he is even real, how could this act of honor for one's country be so evil as we were once taught? The thoughts go on and on , even for a brief moment I feel those old feelings of wondering if I am actually sinning. I struggle to get that thought out of my head, literally shaking my head as if to make that thought go away.
I feel that I will never be as one who was never as JW, it is baggage that will be with me forever I suppose. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be raised to believe in God and Jesus as everyone eles does and yet, still have the freedom to decide alot of things for myself as I went thru life.
What would it be like to be raised to live your dreams , what you wanted with your own life and not the wishes of your parents, the elders and the WT? It is like the mold of our personalities were all the same,,,,,,,,we all would finish school, get a job just to make ends met so we could put our all into the work of furthering kingdom interest. We all did it and those of us who walked away from what the WT wanted to be our destinys , struggle to find our way in the world that was taught to us to be evil.
I see that the the world is not evil at all, and I do try to find my place in the world that I secretly loved all the time as a JW. Sometimes I wonder if others can tell by looking at me , that I am not quiet the same as they are. I know they don't know, but I feel so exposed and I try to hide the fact that I was ever a JW.
But do you find ,that you wonder if you will ever fit in? Will you always feel like an ex Jehovah's Witness?