Should you change yourself for the person you are with?

by Sirius Dogma 42 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  Country Girl

  When I was younger, the answer would have been an ecstatic yes.

  Now, it's no way Jose. When I met my husband 13 years ago, what he saw was what he got. If he didn't like it, he could just move on. I never met a man, then or now, that could make me give up my individuality. I will change when I am *ready* to change. I am not being a horse's ass, although some might think it, but as in my favorite song: I'm living my life, under my terms. I'm callin the shots, as far as I can see. I don't owe nobody nothing, I don't answer to a soul. Might not work for you, but it works for me."

  When he complains (and he does at times) about my vices, habits, opinions.. he gets the old "you married it" refrain. When I complain about his, I get the same thing. We both knew what we were getting into when we got married. Luckily, we're both people that are committed to each other, and committed to our marriage. We're also best friends, which helps a great deal, and we don't renege on contracts. I consider myself to be a woman of my word, and I try very hard to be honest in all my dealings. That gets me into trouble at times, but it is alot easier to handle than the trouble you get for telling lies.

  Country Girl
• 

  jgnat

  Being married changed me, that is for sure. Having children changed me. I now know I have hidden resources of strength I never knew I had.

  I would not change anything about myself IN ORDER that the person love/accept me.

  On the other hand, every person I have been with; family and friends, has changed me in some way. I learn something from every one I am with.
• 

  William Penwell

  NO, you should accept each other for who you are and not try and change the other person.

  Will
• 

  Mac

  This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day,
  Thou canst not then be false to any man..........that was Shakespeare

  I'd far prefer being disliked for who I am than admired for that which I am not............that was McMillan

  K....

  Sooo...should we change for others? I think not...not if we value ourselves. To try and become what another desires of us may seem the easiest course to follow when faced with the prospect of falling into disfavor or losing that one whom we cherish..a pain we fear we perhaps may not be able to endure. Ultimately, however, I think far more anguish will result from the conflicts which boil internally within us and the gnawing knowledge that those qualities that the other values so much are not those we embrace. The mere fatigue of the facade combined with guilt of disingenuousness would seem to me to be far more destructive for our heart and mind than the initial loss of the individual.

  I'm not saying that one should not listen to, evaluate, and even incorporate positive behavioral changes that would only serve to enrich us when offered by another. I'm just saying that pretending to be that which we are not or can not be would only result in a betrayal of our genuine selves.

  mac, what the hell do I know class
• 

  Eyebrow2

  It all depends on the changes.

  If your finance says you really need to work on your fashion sense, or change your socks and underwear more often...I think one should consider it hahah.

  If you are being asked to change your principles ONLY to align your beliefs along with theirs, even if you know you can never believe what they do..then NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo

  If your wife asks you to get your hair cut a few inches so it can be shorter than hers? WOULD IT KILL YOU?????

  Ooooopss....I am sorry, I thought my husband was reading this post. And no, he won't cut it...because he said if he agrees to that he thinks I will then get my hair cut a little shorter, than he would have too and than BAM he would have short hair again. The guy thinks too much.

  But on that note, I think people do try to change the ones they are with sometimes a little bit. I am trying to get my husband to eat better, so since I do most of the cooking, I won't often cook a lot of the crap he likes any more. I tell him if he wants it so bad that he will have to go get it. He is okay with that...it requires no effort on his part hahah. I did tell him early on in our relationship that I couldnt marry a smoker. He was only a lite smoker at the time and he did quit for me, within a matter of a week. But just health stuff...more on encouraging things, but not fundemental changes. I don't think it is right, and it would never work with him anyway hahah

  I think what it boils down to is that you need to really get to know a person before you decided to be with them forever...because if you cannot accept what you see forever, than move on. THANK GOD my husband has that attitude too hahaah
• 

  ballistic

  NO, you should accept each other for who you are and not try and change the other person.

  that is actually a completely different question to

  Re: Re: Should you change yourself for the person you are with?
• 

  iiz2cool

  It depends on the change. Does it involve habits or personality? It may be good to make changes when it comes to habits like smoking or excessive drinking, or being a slob or being abusive. It's another story when your partner tries to make you change things that make you WHO you are. I've known women who would try to change my taste in music, food, entertainment and recreation. Some try to dictate who you can have as friends. Some even tried to turn me against my own family. It can be a constant source of tension. That sort of behaviour is abusive.
  
  Someone who expects you to change to fit into their "mould" has little respect for you. And if you make every effort to fit into their "mould" they'll have no respect for you at all.
  
  Walter
• 

  frenchbabyface

  Well I can whatever for someone I love, but not changing "for" but "with" him I think (as a natural effect)
• 

  onacruse

  Change for the person you're with? As others have said, that's a superficial thing that typically chafes your soul, and is usually rescinded.

  Change because of the person you're with? That strikes me as a more reasonable scenario: not unlike someone expressing an opinion or sharing some information that strikes you, and then you change yourself from self-motivation.
• 

  gumby

  If your finance says you really need to work on your fashion sense, or change your socks and underwear more often...I think one should consider it hahah.

  If you are being asked to change your principles ONLY to align your beliefs along with theirs, even if you know you can never believe what they do..then NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo

  If your wife asks you to get your hair cut a few inches so it can be shorter than hers? WOULD IT KILL YOU?????

  I agree with eyebrow.

  Gumby