Ramble Here, Just off Load Thoughts, Talk Bollocks:

by Celtic 40 Replies latest jw friends

  • Nosferatu
    Nosferatu

    Milfie was a triangle player in the London Symph-Harmonic Orchestra. He drove his pickup van down to the river where he planned to get some more orange juice for his dying shoe. While he was there, some Australian girl scouts tried to rob him of his half-pack of tapioca bubble gum. Milfie pulled out his tangerine compresser to defend himself. Just as he did, one of the girlscouts stabbed him with a shoe horn. Milfie was wearing the shoe horn proof sweater he borrowed from Mr. Rogers, and pumped the girl scout full of tangerine pulp.

    After Milfie returned from fetching his orange juice, he came across a message left on his garage door. Apparently, the mormons had sent the girl scouts to assasinate his shoe. Milfie went down to the church, and threw his shoe through the window. Little did they know, Milfie had left his ex-wife's sock inside, and the mormons all died from dutch elm disease.

    I love huskies.

  • Odrade
  • avishai
    avishai

    Sorry to plagarize but this free form prose reminds me of Steve Martin's writing. Here's a good one:

    Shuckin' the jive

    The crazy bastards were going down to the pool hall to play a little pinball when their car exploded blowing everyone to smithereens. Some of Tubby's flesh flew off to the side of the road, and in time nourished a sunflower growing there. Soon the sunflower was eaten by a horse and the horse was eaten by some hobos out for a wild time. Then one of the hobos met an eastward wandering Canadian guru. But before anything significant could happen the hobo died, being attacked by a dog heart in a scientist's laboratory. The death was listed as a heart attack. Then slavery was abolished.

    CONCLUSION

    Grandpa died and was resurrected after three days, but no one called him the Son of God; they just said, "Hey, that's Gramps!"

  • avishai
    avishai

    And my favorite steve:

    The Day the Dopes Came OverI was sitting at home, peeking through the blinds at my neighbor's wife, minding my own business, when my doorbell rang. "Who's there?" I shouted. "We don't know," came the reply. I immediately knew the dopes had come over.
    I opened the door and invited them in. I was happy to have company even if they were a bunch of dopes.

    "Well, what brings you over this way?" I queried.

    "Yup."

    "Yup."

    "Yup."

    "Yup." they said.

    "Would you like some coffee?" I asked.

    "Gol," said one dope, "how long have we been here?"

    "About two minutes."

    "Gol, we should have left hours ago!" And they packed up some of my things and lumbered out.

    "Goodbye Dopes!" I shouted.

    They turned to me and shouted back, "Goodbye, you big [edit] idiot!"

  • FMZ
    FMZ

    Here is something I wrote a while back... it is very nonsensical in a sane way.

    Death's Questions
    Why not?
    Why not just die right now? Is there more to live for? Could I will my own beating heart to cease it's incessant thumping?
    Death is a funny thing. Yes, I actually mean the "haha" type of funny. We all avoid it, it is such a mystery, and yet, millions have already done it. what if cheese was the same? Millions had already guzzled it safely, but could not explain the taste... but still there remain those who fear it.
    Why not just find out what's on the other side? Because maybe one day I will get rid of my depression, and be able to live in a beautiful serotonin-filled world. It's not going to happen. Why not just die right now?
    Such a cliche, but it is just a downward spiral. I fear I will lose my job, which makes me depressed, which stops me from concentrating, which murders my focus, which decreases my productivity, which angers my boss, which brings me that step closer to losing my job.
    I love my wife, my wife loves me, but she could have had better, so I hate myself, I hate her for loving me, which makes me angry at myself, which makes me depressed, which upsets her, which makes her pity me, which makes her tell me she loves me.
    Dammit.
    Why not just stop the incessant beating

    On a lighter note... here are some random thoughts from me.

    White Castle... it's what you crave... how the hell did they know?

    Ketchup isn't a condiment. It's a meal. Fries... now fries are condiments.

    If you asked people what a mouse is these days... I'd say more than 50% of them would not say "rodent"

    Today I was reading the side of a mouse glue trap box. For removal of the mouse once caught, the instructions read (and I paraphrase) "Pour some vegetable oil onto the trap, making sure the feet of the mouse have oil on them. Then turn the trap upside down, and apply light pressure to the rodent until removed". I thought the phrase "apply light pressure to the rodent" was hilarious.

    Why the hell does White Castle need a 1800 number? (1-800-THE-CRAVE).

    Infomercials are the bane of my existence.

    I've eaten too much White Castle. I just paid $9 for 10 burgers, 2 medium fries, and 2 drinks. I didn't realize it was a meal for two. I ate it anyway.

    Blah... I'm done. You're right Celt, it does feel a little better, time to go meditate.

    FMZ

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex

    Dogs barking. Can't fly without umbrella. Can I mambo banana to the tuna patch?

  • frankiespeakin
    frankiespeakin

    Folkish smokish the time to be happy,, the way to be merry,,, have all been over estimated,, we know not what they are, but still they are important!?!?!?Go figure??

  • ColdRedRain
    ColdRedRain

    I ju57 w4n7 70 kn0w, if 4nyb0dy 3l53 i5 4nn0y3d 6y 1337sp33k. I d0n'7 7hink it pwn5! It 5ux0r5!

  • Englishman
    Englishman

    Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
    Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
    All mimsy were the borogoves,
    And the mome raths outgrabe.


    "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
    The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
    Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
    The frumious Bandersnatch!"

    He took his vorpal sword in hand:
    Long time the manxome foe he sought --
    So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
    And stood awhile in thought.

    And, as in uffish thought he stood,
    The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
    Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
    And burbled as it came!

    One, two! One, two! And through and through
    The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
    He left it dead, and with its head
    He went galumphing back.

    "And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
    Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
    O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
    He chortled in his joy.

    `Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
    Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
    All mimsy were the borogoves,
    And the mome raths outgrabe.

    [email protected] Englishman

  • Celtic
    Celtic

    Avishai and Fmz may not return to this thread, are you all done anyway now?

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