...and all this time I thought it was over

arrowstar

I thought I had moved on. Put it past me. Was strong. Able to cope.

All of that gone in the blink of an eye last night. I was reduced to the frightened woman I was 20 years ago. How did this happen?

Let me give you a little background on me that I don't know if you're aware of yet. My first husband beat me. I was physically and verbally abused. Driven to the point of madness. At that point, a different Lisa emerges. When you get down to the primal, survival Lisa...it ain't pretty. It's violent and it scares the hell out of everyday, happy-go-lucky Lisa. Gawd, I sound like I have multiple personalities. But, the frightened abused Lisa reared her head last night when a man I was seeing took ...shall we say...advantage of me. I moved hands away. I tried to diffuse the situation with humor. Each time, I thought that the issue was taken care of. Apparently, not. I was put in a position I didn't want to be in and instead of fighting back like I believed I would, I surrendered. I'm lying there...I'm crying...and I'm in physical pain.

Where was the strong woman I believed myself to be? Was it fear? I was scared to death. I cratered like a house of cards. The shame came rushing back. The blaming myself. All those dreadful things back in the blink of an eye.

I don't have any answers. I just really thought that I was over that time in my life. Sometimes, buried feelings can quickly resurface.

Lisa

seeitallclearlynow

Oh Lisa, my god, I'm sorry.

I have absolutely no comfort or advise; I'm just appalled at the swine you were in company with last night and I hope that when you are feeling better and stronger, that there will be some kind of satisfying recourse for you so that he does not continue to get away with his animalistic behavior.

Love you girl.

onacruse

((Lisa))

The demons we thought we'd exorcised often come back to haunt us.

Hang in there, gal.

Craig (of the "also still exploring and learning" class)

FMZ

Lisa, I do not have any response to such an unimaginable pain. I am not totally sure of your views on religion, but I say a prayer for you. Whether it goes to the ears of an ultimate creator, or whether it sends you a little strength just knowing we are thinking about you... I am not even sure. Please just know that we all love you and feel for you.

Please note that I do not say these things lightly. There are two women in my extended family (one of which is my sister) that have been taken advantage of in this way. As I sit here, I am already shaking from anger at what this person has done to you. My own thoughts scare me when I get in this state, because I imagine in detail what I would like to do to these people. This sounds selfish, but please never tell me who this person is.

Again Lisa, our hearts, minds and souls are with you in this time.

All our love

Keith

Lady Lee

OK LIsa you ARE OK. Take some slow deep breathes.

First it isn't your fault. Not for what happened and not for your reaction.

As much as we think we can handle any situation the reality is past abuse triggers some pretty basic and primal responses that can be far beyond our ability to control (at least until we understand them and learn how to overcome them)

When you are abused in the past it most likely triggered initially a flight or fight response. Early on in an abusive relationship we learn those don't always work and we go into a third and less well understodd response - "play dead". Like animals who are caught in a trap we go into a breathing shallow mode, lie still, and wait for the danger to be gone.

I suspect that this is what happened to you. Try not to feel bad about it. It is normal. Your past experience may have taught you that there is no escape (once in the situation) and fighting makes things worse. So instinctively we go back to playing dead.

One way that abuse survivors are taught to break out of this mode is to expel the air that we are holding in with a strong and loud "NO!"

I know that when I have been in a situation similar to what you describe my NO wasn't much more of a whisper. That is how far I can go into this play dead mode.

Take some time to rest up today and collect yourself. PM me if you want. I'll be around.

(((Lisa)))

calamityjane

(((((((Lisa))))))))). I'm so sorry to hear of that.

Go back to a happier time last October of our day of shopping and your favourite Mexican restaurant you took me too. I'll never forget that day, (I can still taste that guacomole)

I had a wonderful time that day with a great person, YOU.

Take care

love

cj

Doubtfully Yours

Arrowstar,

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Please seek professional help.

DY

Corvin

All those dreadful things back in the blink of an eye

I can't even pretend to know what you have gone through, dear woman. This is beyond my understanding. I would just like to offer a word of support and to say that I hope you find a way to get through this. It sounds like PTSD (Post tramatic stress disorder) of some kind, and one of my daughters is being treated for it. Here is a link that might be of some help to you. Please do not go without some sort of counselling. I see my 12 year old daughter suffering from the kinds of breakdowns you describe and it renders me so helpless and angry.

http://www.ncptsd.org/

Warm Regards,

Corvin

avishai

((((lisa)))) blessed be, hon.

Not your fault, end of story. The guy is an asshole.

However.........

I don't have any answers

A nice, swift kick in the nads is often effective. I mean as HARD as you possibly can.

We all have our survival mechanisms. Yours has gotten you this far. I'm sure there was a good reason, consciously or subconsciously you reacted the way you did. He may be a violent guy. Well, obviously HE IS! So what you did was fine. Call a crisis counselor ASAP. We love you more than you know, and many of your posts have been very healing for me and others.

Special K

I'm so sorry that this happened to you arrowstar.

(((((((( Arrowstar ))))))

Just know that you are loved here and thought about in a caring way.

Wrap your arms around yourself and find a rocking chair. I've done that for myself sometimes.

Call a friend to come and be with you. Reach out like you are doing here in your post.

I just know a nice person such as yourself has some friends to call.

sincerely care

Special K

...and all this time I thought it was over

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