Please help me Welcome FenceSitter!! (page 3)

Sunnygal41

Yo Fence......Yo Fence.....Yo Fence!

Welcome to the unorthodox JWD Forum!

Terri

Valis

Welcome Fence..

Sincerely,

District Overbeer

Well, to bring a focus on myself and some clarity, I must say I have never been baptised. But, as I figure most of you know, the religion of Jehovah's Witnesses is not like being a lapsed Catholic or what-have-you. It is a commitment - a living sacrifice in the words of the Apostle Paul. So, I lived. I was the perpetual student unable to come to a decision that would permit me to be baptised. Still, I defended the truth boldly and with purity. If someone did not want to accept the truth or were not ready to, that was not my problem. I was tolerant as mine is not to judge or to reap but to sow the seed and rely on Jehovah. I walked through many lives like this while I waited my own decision whether or not to proceed with baptism - never touching the unclean thing but having a message for the unrepentant. I was secure that the Society was the channel Jehovah chose as his physical witness on earth. Still, could I measure up?

Well, this question brings me to another fact about myself. I am emotionally high-strung, and it is an uphill battle for me, which this appears when I take my time to compose myself and my response - if one is needed. I do not, or cannot, distinguish between a good emotional response and a bad one except through the time it takes me to process. Therefore, while I act with resolution, I am slow to act.

Also, as I learned late in life when I returned to school at 32 and had testing done, I have pronounced learning difficulties: visual cognitive processing at 47% of North American adults mixed with Adult ADD and co-morbid dyslexia means I force myself to take my time and really read through my own writing again after spell check to make coherent posts. This has led to many frustrating situations because my aural processing is much higher and my use of (verbal) language construction is at the 95% of adults making me much more quick on my feet and a very sharp articulator. But frustrated easily when I have to write, like this, or proof read texts, like this. Forever choking on a leash.

Writting is dead, as Socrates wrote but Plato spoke so I guess I am more alive than dead. Or was that the other way around?

Well, that leads me to the part about my memory, which is at the 27%. This has played out in my inability to memorize my 12 times table, specific formulae and recipies, spelling irregularities, phonetics. However, since I have been studying the bible all my life, I usually find Scripture faster than the bothers.

I have stradled the fence my whole life. I have sought support from within the organisation but it comes down to 0's and 1's and they are happy to have me find my own time but I know I need a decision. The internal pressure is mine and I have done the best I could in the position I was in. But I prayer to Jehovah for help. It was natural to do this because I had a relationship with Jehovah through his Son Christ Jesus and the assured expectation that my prayer would be answered. I was asking for something within Jehovah's plan, which would make me a better witness - if I finally chose baptism. I was counselled to pray also and the counsellors were dissatisfied when my inaction only reflected my unanswered prayer. I was called a test and that my prayer was akin to asking for a red bicycle.

Of course, you might put two-and-two together and deduce I was asking for a complement with a better memory and quicker processing than I. You would be right. I suffered many failed love affairs as I tried to reconcile my beliefs with my needs - heaping more guilt upon me. But without marriage as a goal, my consort's actual participation in my life was close to nil. Despite the complementive nature of the relationships, the desire to marry me never materialised. The majority of the time, I was seeking marriage with my consort rather than sex and this would be honest to state. But I was not worldly so I trust many of you will believe it.

Some of my "spiritual bothers" did question my motives. But, not being a brother myself, marrying a sister was out of the question. But marriage to a sister was a paradox anyway and I only hope you can understand the paradox to which I refer. Baptism followed by marriage was the carrot held out to me. But my relationship with Jehovah had always been an honest one with myself and I did not think this would be an appropriate "deal" to make - supposing such could one be made. Besides, I am who I am and I am not for every woman: not everyone is or wants to be my complement. Sex would be easy - any woman could provide that and I could see my brothers had no concept of what is marriage to me.

I started to draw away when I perceived the Annointed could not understand the simple and basic marriage arrangement. I perceived this through the elders who could not understand my incompleteness and search to become one flesh, over 30 years of asking such questions. Yes, I was 7 when I began searching myself to find out who I was to become: the first step to finding and accepting another. I dated a very advanced 12-year old briefly when I was 8. By the time I was 16, the sense of hopelessness was profound.

My first failed suicide attempt was when I was 19. The elders rallied around me, and I went away to school. I decided that I had been kept alive for a reason. My Friend, Jehovah, had intervened and there was more for me. My second failed attempt was 15 years later. How I was saved I do not know. I said my prayer, explaining to Jehovah that I did not wish to die but I was unable to live a life of frustration. I would be better if I were to sleep and leave my judgement to him. My doors locked from the outside, 60 sleeping pills swallowed and sea-sick pills beforehand while the plastic bag on my head filled with hellium, I do not know how I survived to awaken in a hospital. I even past the psychological tests that allowed my prompt release.

An acquaintance of mine, an Iranian battlefield doctor, tells me she suffered a terrible episode with me while she stayed over to care for me. She truly understood the meaning of loneliness and spoke to me of her culture and that loneliness was a sin - where arranged marriage was prevalent.

So, I did a quick assassment of where I needed to put myself so as to find my complement. I made the last effort I could in my sincerity to find a complement: I came to Poland. I arrived with $100.00 in my pocket and faith that I would not be denied if I just went the extra mile. I do not know Polish, I do not know anyone here to speak of, and I am in the most desperate position in my life. I did find someone who is complementary to me here but this has fallen apart, tragically.

I have no illusion about being saved by Jehovah anymore. I doubt the validity of this organisation that can explain the books of Daniel and Revelations yet miss the simplicity of Genesis and Jehovah's first community arrangement. I doubt that these Annointed men can validate their Annointed status. I cannot make my reasoned reply from Scripture (which would be the only way for me to decide on my baptism) but I am left only to look at my experience concerning a simple prayer I made simply and the misinterpretation from Jehovah's Witnesses.

So, what is a man of God to do when God does not answer? I turned to magic and Satan to assist me, obviously: I sought [url=http://www.occultforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=4397&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=15] to summon a demon[/url]. And here you will find the events that followed.

I know this is a very long post but I have left out much that would justify my actions to myself. This is reportage for my introduction. Whether or not I believe in demons or spirits or whatever else is not the topic I came here to discuss. I am not certain what to discuss. I know I need more than myself to get past this period. I am at the lowest point in my life, and I urge you to read what has been my experience over the last several months on the other BBS through the link. No-one has a hope of understanding me and my situation without knowing the organisation with which I associated my life for so long and the meaning - for me - of seeking demonic assistance.

I am not a crackpot. I am honest. I need your help. What that means I do not know. I do know I cannot be alone any more - despite all the other deep shit I am in and should be concerned with. As you read my Thread on the other BBS, just ask yourself how differently I would be able to react to the given situations with a Polish complement in my life, and I am confident many of you will see what has been my buggaboo the majority of my life. For what I need and seek it so easily related to Maslow's rating of sex and what I seek is too often confused with sex. But it is not a plentitude or dearth of sex that has put me where I am today.

If, in the end, there is no magic then there is no God and no real concept behind spirituality beyond the emotional value each of us place inside it and the intellectual capital we use to explain it logically. I hope someone, preferably someone I can actually talk to, will understand this.

FenceSitter

This is the link I failed to create above. It's another long read.

http://www.occultforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=4397&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=15

FenceSitter

codeblue

Welcome FenceSitter!

Wow...I read your bio and your other posts....I am "speechless" with your experiences. Thank you for sharing it. I am sorry you have suffered so much pain in your life.

I have been reading this board for a year now and have found a lot of great people here, people that have gone thru similiar experiences.

I hope you can find the comfort you need to help you find a "happy life".

Codeblue

Panda

Welcome fencesitter!!! Your experiences are heartrending and I hope you will find some solace here.

slipnslidemaster

Welcome Dude and may you find the support that I did knowing that you aren't alone.

4JWY

Dear FenceSitter:

I know it took great effort for you to post here today and you will find friends here very quickly that will listen, offer kind words of comfort, and share their experiences with you. We all have so much in common and are working on now living our life in the present and most are healing wounds of the past. IT CAN BE DONE !

I am concerned that you may be suffering from serious depression, and I would highly recommend that you seek assistance for this possibility right away. Perhaps there is a public health care clinic in your area that you could get to soon for a consultation.

Please take care. We care.

JWY

Nosferatu

That's one hell of a read, Fencesitter!

I'll let you in on something, I used to regularily post on a message board where the subject was nothing but dating women. There were all kinds of tips, experiences, and lessons learned.

I've read experiences where people have dated others who don't even speak the same language. The dates are successful (often leading to sex), but a long term relationship is almost impossible (hey, I have to give a bit of leverage!)

You're placing an incredible amount of importance on having a female companion. What most often happens with people who find an ideal woman to settle down with, is they aren't even trying to look for one! That is the same with my situation. I was freely dating, and I came across a woman that I am marrying in two months. Dating is a way to pass time until you find an ideal woman to settle down with. Sorry to say this, but there is no quick fix to this situation, unless you go for an arranged marriage. Unfortunately, you seem to have placed so much importance on having a female presence, that you've left communication completely out of the relationship. I really don't know what to say to you, since you live in a part of the world where you don't even speak the language! How can you communicate with your wife if you can't even speak the same tongue?

At this point, I think it would be best for you to seek some professional help. Many people on this message board have gone through therapy and councelling, and it has helped them greatly. I believe your situation is far above what any one of us can help you with.

Urbanparadise

Welcome, bruv!

That's 1 hell of a deep post!

If I can come up with some advice or encouragement for you I'll be re-posting.

Meantime, I know leaving something like the WTS can have a major impact at first. It can turn your life upside down!

Just try to ignore the negative and focus on the positive - it is false and you don't have to be part of it anymore.

Easier said than done, I know, but that is the situation you, and most people here, are/were in at some time. The reality can be tough to face but its also a release into freedom.

Urban

Please help me Welcome FenceSitter!!

Share this