I am having one of those days. It all started yesterday when I was picking up some work from a client yesterday nearby. When I walked in the store, the Nora Jones CD was playing and I became emotional. My heart started pounding in my chest. She asked me if I was ok, she knows me well, and knows my circumstances. Then she asked how my children were. I was unable to contain myself. Tears well up inside of me. She know's it's a touchy subject, and felt bad for inquiring about it. But I knew she meant well. And I expressed myself from my soul.
Earlier that day I came across some pictures of my kids. I haven't had any contact with them for a very long time. I feel empty without them. They are 19 and 17 now and the oldest is getting married this fall. I have been informed, I am not to be present. I understand how they feel, after all I am the one who taught them about their faith. I didn't have the heart to tell them last time, that Daddy is not coming back. I did not want to break their hearts. They are so innocent.
Nevertheless, it's diffcult not to have contact with them. So my cliend and I talked for a while and she told me she'd pray for me. I was touched by that kind gesture, eventhough I don't pray myself. She gave me a long sincere hug, and told me that in time hopefully things will work out. She is trying to understand, since she had some family that were dubs.
I have been sending on occasion notes to my children to let them know that I still love them. Everytime I compose these notes, it is extremely difficult for me, because I don't expect a reply. Not that I am expecting one, but it's form of communication, and I would love to just even see a glimps of them.
Today I need to write them again, yet since I am trying to do that, it is always an emotional moment. I am unable to concentrate on my work, I can't focus, and I have to force myself to get with it. As I am composing this post, my eyes are obstucted with tears, that's how much I am hurting inside. The emotional distress within, is sometimes unbearable. Since I have no more family that I can communicate with, I appeal to you, to help me today cope with my emotions. Words fail me, to tell you how much I appreciate all of you.
If you have any family at all that you have some contact with, be proud and thankful. There is nothing more difficult, than having an empty hole in your heart that aches, due to loss of family.
Puternut