Thank you again to everyone who posted. It's heartwarming to see such a supportive group of positive people. I just recently met with my sister (who was never officially df'd but was considered as "dead" by my parents) who I haven't seen in ages and what an amazing reunion! I met my little nephew who is absolutely adorable. She just sat and listened as I talked about the terror and guilt I was feeling, and the resulting depression. She had an excellent point: "so you are terrified of dying at Armageddon, and yet you are trying to kill yourself?" She told me that I was a puzzle piece that was thrown in with the wrong pile, so no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fit. It felt really good to hear someone telling me it was OK to be different. She talked about all the terrible things that happened to her, the disabling guilt she felt and still feels over 20 years later for "abandoning" her little brother (even though she was kicked out and repeatedly tried to contact me but was forbidden to), how she found a support system, and how she ultimately survived and became a stronger person. She encouraged me to keep posting on this site, and to follow through. On Monday she is taking me to see a counseller who has had lots of experience dealing with people struggling with these issues. I'm still terrified... still having the panic attacks and trouble sleeping, still dealing with the guilt of commiting the unforgivable sin (leaving the organization), but there is a glimmer of optimism, even (dare I say it?) excitement mixed with the fear. She really emphasized that there are a limitless number of possibilities for me now, and that it WILL get easier. I haven't felt positive about anything in SO long that even that feeling is scary to me. Strange.
I'm listening to everyone's advice and doing lots of research...I'm currently reading A History of Christianity by Paul Johnson, which is a secular book (something I was always warned against reading) dealing with the evolution of the faith. I'm learning the actual structure of the "first century congregation" was a very different organism from what I've always been taught! I'm also reading lots of old posts on this site and finding them enlightening and comforting. My wife has also been so supportive. She was only involved with the organization for 3 years before seeing through it, whereas I was raised in it. She is somewhat puzzled by my inability to let go; my terror and guilt. Only those who have really been immersed in the religion can understand the difficulty of attempting to think objectively whilst struggling with a belief system that has burrowed itself deep within your psyche, which is why I am enjoying this forum so much. There are some extremely intelligent and compassionate people here.
So once again I have dragged on. But thanks again to everyone for welcoming me. Having this forum is making a terrifying journey, seem a little more possible.