I'd like to say hello to everyone. My heart is palpitating even as I write this. It was only recently that I was introduced to this site. I had long had doubts but could never bring myself to peer over the wall built in my head about the evils of apostates. Most of you don't seem even remotely like the "evil wolves" I've been brought up to fear... just like average people, some who are hurting like me. I really stepped back and took an objective look at things during our last CO's visit. He gave a brief illustration which really bothered me. I'll try to give a synopsis:
"there is no reason to believe that just because we will be shielded, we will be completely ignorant to the destruction that will take place at Armageddon. So imagine seeing someone who was destroyed and recognizing their face. The person was in front of you in line at the grocery store reading the headlines of a current paper and saying "what is this world coming too?" But instead of witnessing to this person you reason that you don't have a tract, that you are too busy etc... now imagine having the knowledge after Armageddon that you could have saved this person.... the truth is that this would never happen. Because you would not have survived Armageddon due to your failure to witness to this person." I realized then that I had been condemned to death at Armageddon because I had failed to informal witness on MANY occasions. I have always had problems with feelings of guilt, but that was the nail in the coffin. My father (an elder) passed away tragically from a heart attack suddenly when I was 18. I'm not pointing the finger at anyone, because these things are so difficult and some people don't feel comfortable dealing with people who have had a loss. But after the funeral NOONE reached out to me. I befriended a "worldly" girl at school and it wasn't until then that the elders paid attention to me. I was "marked" (I still don't understand the criteria for that particular "discipline") and was told that if I wanted to see my father again my attitude would have to change. I'm a kid who is experiencing incredible grief and they drop that reasoning on me. I left for a while and basically ran away to try to figure things out. I experienced panic attacks and anxiety. I decided to return and after a JC, was NOT df'd but was without priviledges for a long time. It was explained to me that my panic attacks were most likely demon related, but upon my wholehearted return to the organization they didn't stop. My girlfriend came back with me and started studying. She was approved for baptism and I proposed to her, I gave her an engagement ring and and we starting sitting together at the meetings. We were immediately counseled that this was wrong. The PO asked me who gave me permission to propose, since she had not actually been baptised, but was only approved. I decided to stay "humble" and ask for the ring back. It broke my heart as she sobbed and asked "why." Things improved. We got married (but weren't allowed to get married inside a Kingdom Hall because I still had one restriction left over a year after returning.) and she eventually became a pioneer. She totally rejected her family because they were evil Catholics and it really confused and hurt them. She always had doubts about the organization, and would secretly voice them to me, saying that even though it was evil to think along these lines, she couldn't help but wonder if the emphasis on constant meeting attendance wasn't a form of distraction from the "real world"; a type of brainwashing. She became very disillusioned with pioneering, the backbiting, lying about hours, the righteousness that is automatically attributed to one who holds such a title. She came off the list because of her conscience a couple of months ago.
I know I have dragged on. If I even choose to send this I would like to say thank you to anybody who is listening and can maybe relate. Thank you to this forum for giving me a place to vent. My question is fairly simple. Does it get easier? I'm getting better with the panic attacks (doing my own research and realising that it is because I have a lot of unresolved issues, not necessarily because the demons are attacking me), but I still have this terrible, impending sense of doom. Am I on the dark side? Have I really lost all hope of seeing my father because of the way I'm thinking now? Or am I finally at a stage where I can "surface" and see with some clarity? Sometimes I fear the ping pong game in my head is driving me to insanity. The guilt is so overwhelming, yet when I really analyze it, I don't think I'm really that evil. I love God and want to be a good person. I thank him for my wife. Am I alone in these feelings?