Marriage Advice...

by Tuesday 59 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  SheilaM

  You have a pM
• 

  asleif_dufansdottir

  Most of the things you describe here are in the category of ?small? things. They are not worth getting a divorce over.

  You know, I didn't mention it before, but I think it's worth mentioning that I do at least 95% of the cooking and cleaning in our house. Always have. Do I like it? Of course not. Is it worth getting a divorce over? Not yet.

  We both have assistantships and are in grad school, yet I'm the one that takes care of the house. Do I complain alot about it? Not anymore.I did for years. I used to get so mad about it. Didn't do me a damed bit of good. He still didn't help. So now I spend a few hours a week doing stuff I don't like to do. It's not fair. Neither is a lot of other stuff.

  Lots of women, maybe most, do most or all of the housework, even when they work outside the home. I know women who work, go to school, and still do all the housework and cooking and childcare.

  So, when it comes to housework, and who does it, life just isn't fair most of the time. Lots of women have accepted this. I suppose we might be a little less than sympathetic if a guy complains that he has to do it all. Not fair, but that's the way it is.
• 

  jgnat

  I do see a pattern here of she-nasty he-cave. I refuse to be guilted in to doing anything. My new hubby approches me with politeness and sweetness...if he wants anything done.

  Tuesday, you might want to try a campaign of calculated incompetence. Don't get around to doing a few things that she yells at you for. At the same time, "surprise" her by doing other things unasked. Give her rewards and cuddles when she does something nice for you.

  This is little bit of behavior-mod, where she is no longer rewarded for being nasty. Manipulators really believe that nobody would do anything if they didn't make them.
• 

  darkuncle29

  She and you need a marriage couselor or therapist. She may indeed be hurting and in pain, but her ways of expressing that are completely inaproriate. You need to assert healthy boundaries. It sounds to me like she has gotten stuck in this nastyness phase and is kind of liking it. Why should she want to get better emotionally? she's got you taking care of her. The simple things that you do for her out of kindness, does she even notice or acknowledge them? I doubt that she would.

  She reminds me so much of relatives of mine.

  I don't care what gender a person is or what trauma they have suffered; if they treat loved ones like shit, they deserve what ever drama and crap they inject into their lives.

  I wish you the best. Deal with this NOW. Do not put it off.

  If she does not want to get better, but wants to remain toxic, then get out of there.
• 

  bebu

  One day we were with friends discussing little things that our mates do that get on our nerves. She said that she just loves to leave an empty roll on the dispenser because it was ?our little thing?. She had such a cute big grin on her face that was followed by a sweet giggle that just made me melt. It takes me two seconds to replace it, and if it seems like a fun little game to her to leave it for me to do, then I?m happy to bring such joy to her life. She still jokes around about it. She?ll take the last sheet right in front of me, then smile and grab a new roll and put it on the back of the toilet. All with a big grin on her face.

  Thanks for those great stories!! You are too funny, Winston.

  Tuesday,

  This is normal couple stuff that you are working thru!

  Asleif's comments remind me of when I was a newlywed. Without a miscarriage, or lawsuit, or whatever, I had a habit of holding grudges (resentment). I convinced myself that my husband KNEW what was wrong--but finally, I realized that I was totally unfair. If there is resentment behind the anger, then it's got to be dealt with. It festers into a boil, if you don't. A counselor can help, because you don't have to sign up for life or anything; just a few sessions perhaps. It's like learning to fish: once you learn certain things, they are helpful for your whole life.

  An very helpful and interesting book you might like to buy is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I'll bet your wife would enjoy it, too. I learned a lot about how men communicate--and I was pushing the book under my husband's nose to show him points that explained exactly how I was communicating (which he had been missing).

  It's not the steep path that wears us down; it's the little pebble inside our shoe. Good news is, that can be fixed.

  bebu
• 

  Sirona

  OH Tuesday.

  I had a miscarriage and it did untold damage to our relationship. That isn't because we didn't talk about it - we did. And he was supportive. The thing is, sometimes these things can affect you unconsciously.

  I'm not surprised she is acting the way she is! Please cut her some slack and try talking to her.

  Sirona
• 

  Special K

  Seems to be alot of bumbing around into each other in the morning.

  Sometimes, when in a rush we tend to forget we are living with "people".. and not "obstacles of furniture"..

  People tend to have a lot more feelings than furniture..

  Sounds like you need to implement a morning plan to fix up this clutered area of your lives.

  I can't imagine how either one of you would survive the morning if their was also a baby to juggle around before you both leave for work or if you have a baby to get ready to go to the sitters as well.

  You really do need a morning plan.. especially if you have only 1 bathroom.

  My suggestion is that you really sit down and talk and compromise on the issues at hand that are bugging the hell out of each of you.

  sincerely

  Special k
• 

  beebee

  You never did say whether or not she was like this before the miscarriage. It is highly possible (provided that it wasn't like this beforehand) that she really resents your sense of relief at the miscarriage. Planned or not, once pregnant, most women get very excited about the new baby and very protective. Even though they say most miscarriages are for the best (not a perfect baby) it is still a real loss of a child. You may be able to talk through this without a counselor, but my guess is a pro would be a huge help.

  If she's was like that beforehand, well then you have to weigh whether or not a completely self-absorbed person is someone you want to stay with. I do suggest you be very diligent with birth control until such time as your marriage is on very secure ground. A baby almost never makes a marriage better if it is falling apart anyway, and it is unfair to intentionally bring a child into an unstable one.

  I'm with the others, if chores were just the issue, it really helps to go ahead and make a list and assign things. It feels tedious but it stops a lot of arguing. Also a biggy I discovered when I used to teach new parenting classes, women presume men just "know" what we want and expect. Men, on the other hand, don't usually respond well to subtlty and hints. They need direct information. Perhaps she needs to clearly define what she wants and expects IN ADVANCE rather than just chewing you out for not mysteriously figuring it all out.

  In any case, being negative after the fact almost never resolves a situation. Defining your expectations from each other and establishing reasonable boundaries may help you work it out. Certainly talking about it will tell you a lot about whether or not you are likely to be happy together.

  It takes two to make a marriage work but only one to kill it. Fixing this will take both of you and most likely a counselor.

  Best of Luck.
• 

  IronGland

  Many of the men here gave good advice about not worrying abou the small things. Of course, they're whipped..... It does seem that the best marriages are where the husband realises he is clay and the wife is the potter. At least one can always look forward to sleep and eventually, the sweet release of death.
• 

  Purple

  As a person who gives advice for a living I would say that the problem here is communication. You dont really talk or listen to each other. Another problem is the same one that all suffer from, lack of sleep, satisfaction with your work and plain old tiredness.

  Sit down and insist you talk to each other, no judgement, just listen to what the other is really saying. I think the necklace is just your wife expressing her disatisfaction with things. If she didnt want to wear something or doesnt like something then why buy the thing in the first place? Is it really her life she is talking about?

  As a woman in a marriage for 18 years I will tell you that once my x and I stopped talking to each other and talked at each other things went down hill. However there were many other things involved too which I wont go into. Either get help that will actually help or start talking to each other but more importantly, listen to each other dont ignore or just presume you know what the other is going to say. It takes two to make a marriage work, neither one is more at fault because if both of you are only giving 50% then you are only half trying. You both have to give 100% and care enough about each other to listen.