Marriage Advice... (page 3)

galaxy7

Why are you cooking for her

why are you setting the vcr for her

If you need the bathroom because you have to get ready for work then take it first

Eat out until she does the dishes

You are treated the way you let people treat you

codeblue

I have to agree with Winston's comments.

A miscarriage to a woman is a "huge issue"....that may be the reason she is over reacting to normal life issues in your marriage.

Communication is a huge reason why most marriages fall apart and dissolve. Remember when you were dating, you probably talked about everything "all time time", that is one of the reasons you both felt so connected.

It may take you saying: "Can I have a date with you? I really miss spending time with you and just talking to you." Be honest and sincere when you say that too.

I recently had to tell Mr. CB that I preferred our relationship before he took his new job (with his new job he spent most of last year away from me...obviously you can't have a healthy relationship when you are not together)....and that I "missed our relationship that we had before he took his new job"...That made him stop and realize what should be "priority"...We both have had a previous marriage (each of our spouses cheated on us and left us). Sometimes we have to say what is on our mind and take the time to preserve our marriage----marriage is hard work.

Codeblue

Tuesday

Thanks again for all the posts you guys are really great. To Satan's Little Helper, My wife has to work tonight, which is why I would go to the gym. Not that I don't enjoy spending time with her but when she's working at night then I'm not going to just sit home, that's dumb. Thanks again folks you guys have helped me out alot with some perspective. I think she just expects when she's at work I need to be home cleaning. Whatever, I make more money anyway.

Nosferatu

Nos, you have some serious issues, negativity and self centredness being two of them. Telling Tuesday that he's f**ked and to bin his marraige is completely reprehensible.

I highly doubt that negativity is a problem for me. I worked like hell to make that relationship work. I refused to give up on her. The problem was, the more I worked, the less the relationship worked. My problem was wanting to be a god she could look up to, her night in shining armour. It had the opposite effect. I thought the relationship was going quite well, but I was completely fooling myself.

I'm trying to figure out where you got self-centered from. I didn't recommend that he demand his woman to do all the work while he sits on his ass watching TV. There has to be a balance, but the balance isn't there. If anything, Tuesday sounds like he is quite committed to his relationship. She, however, isn't. I see no respect coming from her end, but continuous respect coming from him whether she treats him like shit or not.

I didn't directly tell him to bin his marriage, but it's incredibly damaged. Trying to bring her interest level back up in him is going to be damn near impossible. Let me ask you, how are you going to deal with someone who yells at you who doesn't appreciate the things you do? He gave her a back massage for 2 hours, and it still wasn't good enough. What do you think that does for his self-esteem? It sure as hell wouldn't make me feel like I'm appreciated. How do you fix something like that? If he quits giving her back rubs, she'll complain about that too! He's in a no-win situation. I'll bet you if he tries talking things out, she'll lay a guilt trip on him for trying to make her feel like she does nothing. She has to be willing to make things work just as much as him.

I agree that relationships go through a sticky patch, but you can't expect someone who has no respect for you to suddenly change.

Nosferatu

I agree with Galaxy7. I'll bet the trouble in the relationship started at the beginning. She's grown used to him doing everything, and now it's expected of him. Instead of standing up for himself, he just turns the other cheek. When a relationship begins like that, it's destined for disaster.

Xena

The first year is the hardest...lots of adjustments and figuring out boundries. I have never had a miscarrage but I would imagine it would be tramatic for you both and be yet another added stress factor to an already stressful situation. My advise for what it's worth....Don't give up on it just yet, if you love her....keep working on the communication.

worldlygirl

Then she wanted to have sex, I wanted to stay up a bit more and wasn't in the mood.

my wife recently had a miscarriage

As someone who has had a miscarriage as well as normal pregnancies, I can tell you that after a miscarriage your hormones fluctuate the same way they do after giving birth. Ever heard of post-partum depression? Also, women who miscarry tend to blame themselves and want to become pregnant again right away to make things "right" - - kind of proving to themselves that they are capable of becoming a mother. Do you think she may feel you are withholding sex because you don't want her to get pregnant again?

simplesally

Either she is a spoiled brat or she is diverting her anger..........I mean she really might be upset, angry, sad, depressed and missing the unborn baby and doesn't have the words to verbalize it. Or she is waiting for you to help her talk about it.

I had a miscarriage and it was as has been said: It was so hard to see babies, hear babies and see pregnant women. I was also angry at my ex because I never saw him cry, I never had him act like he was upset or treat me like I had lost our baby. See, he never 'bonded' with that baby because he said miscarriages happen and he just kept distant. Even when I got pg with our daughter, we really didn't talk about her or plan because both of us were scared we'd lose her too. I was under doctor's care from the time I knew I was pg.......because although I didn't want my hopes up, I was going to do everything we could do to keep her. Turns out I needed progrestrone pills and I was just fine.

The point is: I was angry when I miscarried and angry when I wasa pg...... He didn't connect with me and I was upset.

Also, you brought up the fact that you make more money.......why did u bring that up? Do you remind her of that when it comes to spending money? What's the issue there?

Nosferatu

My biggest question is: did she act like this before the miscarriage?

Satans little helper

Tuesday, sorry from what you wrote it seemed like she was griping because you would rather be at the gym than with her.

Nos, there have been several occasions where you have penned extremely negative responses to people's personal situations. I think you've been burnt big time and it greatly colours your view of relationships and you seem very pessimistic.

You've got to see beyond the superficial, by that I mean you have to be able to see the reasons for what is happening and not just focus on your own feelings. Several people have mentioned the miscarraige, that is a big issue you both need to deal with. If your wife is depressed it may mean you have to take on the bulk of the household chores as she may be so low she cannot cope with her fair share. Be gentle and show her that despite you being pissed off at the way things have gone you still love her; blazing in and giving her a shouting match will only end up making the situation even worse.

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