Marriage Advice...

by Tuesday 59 Replies latest jw friends

  • Tuesday
    Tuesday

    For all the ones that are married out there. I'm newly married, but I think there's a problem. I'm just going to go over the morning and say that this is a typical day. The alarm goes off and after several hits to the snooze button we both get up. My wife says she's going to take a shower but then comes back saying she doesn't want to anymore, "I was going to wash my hair in the sink but there are dirty dishes in it" (from the dinner I cooked for us the night before). I start getting ready as does she, she goes into the bathroom and I finish getting ready. I go outside to start the car because it's cold and I can warm it up for us. I go in the bathroom and wait where my wife is putting on a necklace. She turns around and yells at me "Why are you staring at me?" "I'm not staring at you I'm waiting to brush my teeth." "Well I'm using the mirror you're just going to have to wait". I walk out of the room, put my lunch in my bag and then set the VCR to tape her soap opera. She comes out of the bathroom, "If you have to stare so much how does the necklace look." "It's big." "Well then what would you like me to wear then?" "I think a longer necklace with some sort of medallion would look great with that outfit." "I don't have any of those! I'd look in the bedroom but it's a mess. I've been telling you to clean it for two days now are you going to clean it tonight" (tonight is my night to workout at the gym, but once again she tells me I need to do something else so I'll miss it) "Fine, I'll stay home tonight and finish it." She walks off to the bedroom, I quickly brush my teeth. I go into the living room to put on my coat, "How about now, do I look good enough for you now?" She asks with wearing the a gold necklace with a pearl on the end of it that I bought her for christmas. "Yeah I think that does look nice." "I don't like these kind of necklaces, they're too thin. I like wearing thick necklaces because I feel I'm going to break them. But that doesn't work for you." "Wear what you want, I don't give a shit." I grab my bag which is near the enterance to the living room, she turns towards me and I step back so she can get into the living room, she turns towards me again, "Of course I'm going this way so you have to be in my way as usual." I step back again and stand in front of the front door. She puts on her coat and starts walking towards me, I open the door and she walks past me without saying a word. "Do you want me to drive?" No answer, I get in the car and unlock the door. She gets in and we drive to work.

    That's just the way it is around my house, last night was pretty much the same way. I rubbed her back for two hours as she told me that I wasn't doing it the way she liked it. I told her what I wanted to make for dinner she said she wouldn't eat it so I made her something seperate. Then she wanted to have sex, I wanted to stay up a bit more and wasn't in the mood. I've worked 8-8 shifts all this week so that we could pay our rent with one of my checks, I'm very tired. I don't know what to do about it so I ask, what would you do in a situation like this? Would you just get out of the way and agree like I do? Would you yell and scream producing more yelling and screaming? I think my marriage is broke and I don't know how to fix it, we've been married all of 8 months. Can you help me?

  • Sassy
    Sassy

    well I am probably the last one to give great advise on relationships, but this does not sound healthy. A woman can't walk all over you and have respect for you and how long can you put up with this kind of treatement? It will eat away at you...and it is verbal abuse.

    Does she do any work around the house? or are you expected to do everything?

  • scootergirl
    scootergirl

    Yikes.......8 months, eh? Only marital advice I can give is to remember that the first few YEARS are an adjustment. Also, and I told my hubby this before we got married, that as spouses we are not responsible for the other's happiness nor meeting all of their needs. I don't want to lay that responsiblity on him, and I certainly don't want to be on my shoulders either. Usually, for us anyway,when we "pick" at each other (which isn't very often, there is some other underlying problem that is just manifesting itself sideways. Key is to find out what is and sometimes step back and respect your mate enough to figure out it themselves.

    Weddings are easy, living happily ever after is hard. And getting thru the tough times and riding thru the easy times is what makes a marriage in the end. How many people married 50+ years look back and say "it was so easy......we never had problems". It takes a lot of hard work and determination.

    I have also found that communication is a big key. Keeping the focus on me and not "you did this......you did that"......because that comes across so accusitory and also makes a person defensive. And there is always the art of knowing when to speak up and when to shut up and wait till the right time to speak.

  • Country Girl
    Country Girl

    Seems to be some problems with boundaries in this relationship. I think it would be a good idea to sit down with her, tell her you are seriously having some problems with how the relationship is going and these are what they are: (have a list ready). It sounds like the work load is unevenly distributed at your house, as far as the housekeeping duties and such. Each of you could maybe decide what it is you don't "mind" doing vs. what you absolutely hate doing, and take a few of each so one person doesn't get all the crap jobs. Just say "these are your chores, and these are mine" and do them.

    In addition, it seems as if she continually pushes you to see how much she can get away with. Just say: you asked for my opinion, I gave it: take it or leave it but don't continually bitch about it. Refuse to engage with her in her confrontational statements. It takes two to rumble. She seems to be treating you as a doormat, and it may be up to you to get some counseling to help you deal with her misdirected aggression, and learn to set boundaries for yourself as to how much will take and how far you will allow it to be taken.

    Or.... you could just leave. =)

    Either way, I hope it works out Tuesday! Good luck!

    CG

  • Love_Truth
    Love_Truth

    Dude, you want my advice? You asked for it:

    Relationship rule #1- There are takers and givers in life, and love. Taker + taker = failure; Taker + giver = failure; Giver + giver = success. Find a giver.

    If you really want to save your marriage, she's going to have to become a giver; that is almost certainly not going to happen.

    However, if you desire, (for your conscience's sake), go to a Marriage counselor immediately (get a loan if you have to), attend therapy or anything else the Counselor suggests. It will cost a lot, but in the end, you'll either learn to solve your problems, or, at the very least, you'll know you did everything within reason to save the marriage.

    It sounds like you would benefit from therapy as well, IMO, because the fact you let yourself be walked over is indicative of a problem that either was pre-existant to the marriage, or came to be afterwards.

    I hope you're not offended by my telling it like it is.

    Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

  • Sirona
    Sirona

    It sounds to me as though she is insecure and suffers from anxiety problems. I've seen people react that way, people I'm close to, and it usually stems from problems like this.

    Let me try to explain. She finds it hard to cope with things. If the house is messy, it probably really gets her down, but she often finds it difficult to "do" the things she needs to do. Therefore, she asks you to do it, and if you don't, she gets angry at you. Its likely she's truly angry at herself, not you.

    I've had periods in my life where I suffered with anxiety. One symptom is that I found it difficult to find something to wear in the morning and always felt that I looked crappy, I'd sift through clothes and start to shout and swear that I had no clothes etc. etc. That was a symptom of my anxiety and I didn't even realise it.

    Another thing you might consider is the balance of duties. Your post sounds as though you do everything. This might not actually be the case, and perhaps she percieves her role in a certain way (and yours as the housekeeper). This is how it was with me. I used to do all the finances, telephone calls, letters, - basically sort out anything difficult, whereas my partner used to help around the house (some, not everything). This still left me resentful of him because I felt I was carrying the main burden. Therefore, I felt justified in being annoyed if he didn't do things in the house. I truly felt that I did everything, whereas he actually did quite a lot in a practical sense. I only realised this when we split up. In my current relationship, I was careful from day one to have things on an equal setting, so that we share difficult tasks (managing finances and other legal stuff) and easy tasks (housework etc). Maybe you could consider what she does / what you do and see if she feels you could take on different tasks and in return she could do more in the house.

    If you feel that you truly do everything, then perhaps this is how your relationship has been from the start. Perhaps she is just thinking that this is how things should be (after all, thats how they've always been, right?). You need to stop letting her get her own way all the time. Don't do anything too drastic, but when she says tidy the room instead of going out, I suggest that you tell her that you are not tidying the room tonight because you are busy and have plans, and that if she is so bothered she can tidy it herself. How dare she treat you like a slave! You are not a slave. (Bear in mind, however, some women do this because they're insecure and don't want you to actually go out of the house for fear of losing you)

    She may actually be afraid of losing you, strange as it sounds. I know some women who have deliberately been nasty just to see if the guy is going to walk out. They figure if he stays, well then I can really love him because he puts up with me. Wierd eh? If you think this might be the case, reassure her all the time that you are not going anywhere and that you love her, but at the same time, set your standards and don't let her get away with hurting you. So if she says something horrible, say that you love her and you wish she wouldn't say things like that to you, and that this has to change - she is likely to say "or you'll do what? Leave me?!!" - in response you're better off saying " no, I love you and I don't want to leave you, but you are making me unhappy. When you say things like that it hurts me and you don't seem to care about that".

    Overall, you need to weigh up everything, I've just given you some food for thought. Only you know if you will stay or go. I'd say, give her a chance, try and work it out. If you find that in 1 year she is still treating you badly, it might be time for leaving.

    Sirona

  • talesin
    talesin

    Tuesday

    this is a typical day

    Sounds very abusive to me. She's treating you like dirt. One way or the other, you should put a stop to this ASAP.

    Try to talk to her in a calm fashion. If she denies and refuses to address the issue of HER BEHAVIOUR, ask yourself, "why am I here?"

    I have been through this with several of my female friends, things are not going to 'magically' change for the better.

    This is supposed to be a partnership - two equal partners working together to create and maintain an harmonious union. Your 'partner' should not be treating you in such a humiliating and degrading fashion. The next step in this type of abusive relationship is physical violence. Has she crossed that line yet?

    DO NOT put yourself at risk, PLEASE.

    keep us updated

    talesin

  • cruzanheart
    cruzanheart

    Hmmm, I feel like that couple in Monty Python who were dropped into the restaurant full of Vikings (the Spam sketch). Okay, coming into the middle of this, I would definitely say you have a problem, but I need to know a few more things:

    1. Has she always been like this or did it start after you got married?

    2. Does she have a history of depression or mood swings?

    3. Could she possibly be pregnant?

    Her behavior sounds like depression to me, unless she's just and out-and-out user which I assume you would have noticed before you married her. You should both share the cleaning and cooking duties, and no one has a right to yell at anyone else for not doing the dishes -- you are both adults so if she sees dishes in the sink why doesn't she do them?

    Yes, you two need to see a marriage counselor but I would also consult a medical doctor too. Please keep us posted on the progress!

    Nina

  • calamityjane
    calamityjane

    One question, what does she do around the house?

    and maybe I'll have some advice for you.

    take care

    cj

  • iiz2cool
    iiz2cool

    Your wife said:

    "Of course I'm going this way so you have to be in my way as usual."

    This sounds very much like my wife, who I just separated from two months ago after being married to her for 16 1/2 years. My wife views people as obstacles, not as human beings with feelings, and it didn't take long for her to view me the same way. All those years I worked my ass off to make things better, but instead they got worse. BOTH people have to work in order to have a successful relationship, not only one person.

    My suggestion is to try talking to her about it calmly. Perhaps try marriage counselling. But most importantly, DON'T WAIT AS LONG AS I DID to do something about it. It could ruin your life.

    Walter

Share this

Google+
Pinterest
Reddit