A Diatribe - Feel Free To Vent With Me

by ZeroKool29 34 Replies latest jw experiences

  • ZeroKool29

    Fascism Machine

    reminder of all that is hateful and wrong

    and supply of faith that was not strong

    you know me not, which suits you fine

    opposed to every opinion of mine

    stand in judgement with robes so clean

    while on man's understanding you lean

    I've renounced the very God you seek

    your prayers all laden with hypocrisy

    so justify this however you must

    reducing my soul to mere dust

    to shake from your feet while walking away

    consign your minds to further decay

    your faith is a rolling fascist machine

    that wears white linen to hide the obscene

    you mandate intolerance while promoting ignorance

    close your eyes, hide your heads

    the sand can conceal all that you dread

    your entire faith is all but mistaken

    and honor is given to the one you've forsaken

    ã Aaron p. Hill 2003

    Things I am sick of:

    I am sick of justifying my existence to prying eyes and judegmental charlatans.

    I am sick of acting like I don't know what's best for me.

    I am sick of giving up on my life and the lives of everyone else and trusting that God will set it right.

    I am sick of living in fear of Armageddon every single day. Joining in choruses singing the virtues of the day of judgment and how happy it will be while secretly fearing for my existence.

    I am sick of being told not to lean on my own understanding.

    I am sick of dismissing every other opinion that does not originate with 12 guys I've never met, don't know, never will meet, and think they are better than I am.

    I am sick of asking elders what they think is right about what I choose to do behind the door of my own home. In my bedroom.

    I am sick of all of the hate.

    I am sick of marking talks, special needs talks, and all talks in general.

    I am sick of droning simpletons speaking to me in monotone about the wisdom of the Bible. I am so sick of the lack of SICKNESS at this situation. Why isn't anyone else as upset as I am? Are they all just screaming inside their heads? Are they aware that they are being processed? Molded? Squeezed and manipulated? An elder asks you what you did, tell him? No, you don't have to tell them a damn thing. Walk away and remove yourself from the equation and this idiotic notion that they have any business in your life whatsoever. They are just people like you and me, no better. They are "in a position of responsibility; they've proven they can handle this position" Proven to WHO? "Oh, we prayed about it and therefore our decision is supported by God." OH, I didn't realize you've got God on speed dial. You're old pals. Forgive me. I am sick of being sick of all this shit. I am sick of feeling alone and having no family. I am sick of feeling like I brought all of this on myself. I am sick of all of these thoughts of all of these things that I have missed out on. I am sick of still telling myself to go easy on the Witnesses. I am sick of knowing that there are good people reduced to mediocrity in that damned religion. Sick of them thinking that I am something to be pitied, or hated, or feared. They have more to fear from the masters pulling their strings, little ragged puppets. I am sick of wishing they all could just open their eyes and see what's being done to them. I am sick of being given a Bible to read when what I need is HELP. I am sick of being told to pray, go to meetings, do things Jehovah's way and it will work out for you. I am sick of being a good for nothing slave in an organization that likes slaves, because they are easily controlled. I am sick of wondering why an organization would want to do this to people. I am sick of people taking advantage of people that don't know any better. I am sick of ignorant pissants strutting around under this JW banner thinking their s**t don't stink because the bible tells them they are righteous and I am "worse than a person without faith." I am sick of token service and pretentious, pompous, arrogant people EVERYWHERE. I am sick of Jehovah's Witnesses and all the things they do that bring nothing but heartache and misery, I hate the way they set things up to ruin lives if you question, wonder, THINK.

  • SYN

    You have a great attitude, man.

    Give 'em hell!!!

  • SM62


    I can't believe what I have just read - you took the words out of my mouth. I was just thinking this weekend how sick to death I am of feeling that I have somehow failed because I no longer want to be a JW. They get things wrong, twist scripture, make you feel like a loser, act like hypocrites, and then, when you no longer want to be part of this any more, they make you feel really bad and an utter failure. I am so heartily sick of feeling like a failure. I seem to have felt like this for so long, that I don't know if it's me or them any more. Deep down,I know the WTS have done a lot of damage, but I still can't shake this feeling of despair because of it all. It's quite hard to put into words, but you expressed it so well.


  • Sirona


    Great post! Its good to get it all out sometimes. I'm sick of being angry about the JWs and then if I mention it people say I shouldn't be angry.

    You hit the nail on the head of how we feel when we leave JWs. I'm not as "sick of" it as I used to be though, I think that eventually the real pain eases and you can form a life in which the words "Jehovahs Witness" are hardly ever mentioned. Sometimes I wish this forum were not called Jehovahs Witness Discussion Forum because I'd rather it be simply a name which doesn't mention them! Of course thats totally impractical but you know what I mean...


  • Tbo

    It is so sad... such a beautiful writer.. such talent.. so filled with hatred. And for who? for what? Why hate Jehovah's Witnesses? any more so than any other religion? any more so than politicians? Enron? other major companies that have screwed people over? what about the coach who called the wrong play b/c he thought he knew what was best for the team and then they lost? You are only here for a short time. If you feel you may not know what is always right, but you know what is wrong... then there is your start. Find your own way. Make your own rules. Don't rely or feed off hatred.. or you just become what they say you will become. Bitter.

    These are my thoughts ... steer your energy toward something good.. something you love. You will succeed. You have a great talent.


  • jgnat

    Anger at the cage, break loose, then exhilarating freedom!

    I was advised recently that I would "get used to it" - the negative comments about everything outside the hall. Like a caged animal gets used to the bars?

    TBO, what you are hearing is the song of the caged canary, soon to fly free. But we are not frail birds, unable to feed ourselves or unwary of predators. We are full, vibrant, God-created human beings, well able to fend for ourselves in a vital, beautiful God-built world.

  • ZeroKool29

    Tbo, thank you for your reply. The whole time I sat there writing what I did it occured to me that this was alot of venom being spit out and with no real target and no discernable benefit. I think it just helps me sometimes to sort of put a face to my frustration. I don't hate the JW's so much as I hate the fact that the things they teach to people can make a person's life chaos...if they wind up finding a different way. I am thankful that I can see things now in a way that I didn't before and that my mind is open and I don't have to live like a JW anymore if I choose not too, but there needs to be an outlet for these negative feelings that I have. And something that has occured to me from reading these messages on this board, alot of people share the same feelings that I have or have had. I have written alot of things and I have adopted a way of looking at these things I create. There doesn't need to be some greater truth, no wisdom imparted in the end, but what counts most is how it makes people feel. Can they see some of themselves in what we say? Can people relate to it? Are there people out there that feel this same way but don't know how, or are afraid, to express it? I can say that was the case with me. I was afraid for a long time to say anything negative about JW's. But now I see that there really is no reason to feel that way and that the JW's are not above criticism. Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.

  • jgnat

    ZeroKool, that is a very good bit of writing. I don't share this quote with many people, but I think you will "get it". Great writers bare their souls. Thanks for speaking what many feel.

    Me, I want passion, something wild, not perfection's high gloss. Screw good taste, just drop your shirt and show me your scars Donald Newlove in First Paragraphs

  • Tbo

    No.. I do not hear the caged canary. I have just realized that there is more to my life than wasting energy on hating people. They do not hate you. They just think that they know better. Wrong or right.. I am a strong vibrant person ... well able to move on from the teachings of a group that thought they knew... it was simple. In my world they didn't.

    I have surrounded myself with intelligent, warm, life-lving and enjoying people who encourage me to do what I want, be better, push myself instead of letting others push me. I feel exhilerated now.

    Somewhere I have heard that... people don't make you do things.. they can't make you hate them. You choose to hate them because of the things that they do. I choose not to hate them but to not waste my energy on them... and that goes for more than just JW's...

    You can't change some things, but you can draw strength from it. I wish everyone was able to feel so content with themselves.

    For those that can't... Enjoy the "cage" of your own making.

  • garybuss

    Hey Zero, Thanks, I enjoyed it. When all of the emotion and the outrage you are now experiencing came over me, I was stuck working with my Witness father, living with my Witness wife and not knowing one single ex witness. I'm so happy we have a place today to meet up and compare notes. Welcome! I look forward to more posts. GaryB

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