Letter to Mom and Dad opinions wanted

by freelife 18 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  freelife

  Hello friends, I wanted to post this here and get some opinions on it before i take the big step of sending it to my Parental units.

  Dear Mom and Dad,

  Hello how are you doing? Dad I was surprised to hear from you the other day. I t was kind of confusing to me. I have not heard from you for a few months now, I know that I have not called for a while myself. The reason that I don?t call is you have told me that you don?t know how much contact that you will be having with me. So I am leaving that up to you two to decide what you are going to do. My only problem with that is if we are going to have any kind of relationship I don?t want it to be a relationship of convenience on either your or my part. I know that your having contact with me is to be limited whether you or I like it or not, it?s just the way that things are. But I can?t go on having a relationship like this either you are my family or not. It?s not fair to me or Kelly or Doniven, or any other future additions to the family we have. This is very tough for me to say that to you, but it?s true. This is not up to me to decide on what is going to happen this is your choice. I have made my choice to live my life the way I want to. I would like to have you in it some way but like I said it can?t be a thing of convenience for you or me. We would like to have you at our wedding, but I want there to be more of a family relationship than there is now. If that can?t be done then I guess we can?t invite you to the wedding. And if that?s the case, I will thank you for bringing me to life and doing so much for me, but I will have to say that we should not keep contact anymore. I hate to hurt you but it?s not fair, it just brings more pain to both of you, me, and Kelly. Don?t get me wrong Kelly and I want to have a family relationship with you, but that?s what we want family, not just someone that we have contact with every three or four months. I love both of you but this relationship we have right now will not work.

  I have made up my mind on how I am going to live. I am not going to be a witness anymore. Now that I am out I have done some research on things and I have learned some really interesting things about the W.T.S. some things that you would be surprised about like How the W.T.B.T.S. had a membership in the UN as a non-governmental organization from I think it was from 1996?-2001. I have even seen official documents to support this. Why does the society condemn worldly religions for fornicating themselves with the Nations but yet they are doing it themselves by being a part of the UN. To have a UN NGO status you have to swear to try to uphold the ideals of the UN. Doesn?t that sound a little funny to you? Try to research that for yourself and see what you think on your own. I have seen many other things that I don?t agree with either and that is not going to change. So in other words I am not going back so this is me and this is how you are going to have to deal with me. It?s your call the ball is in your court. So hopefully this is not goodbye but I am preparing myself for it.

  So what do you think does it sound good to you?

  Thanks

  Clint
• 

  DIM

  if your parents are active witnesses, i wouldn't even try to persuade them about anything...especially the whole UN thing. My parents basically laughed at me and told me i was nuts....brainwashed.
• 

  SheilaM

  Free: Personally I think you should re-write the letter but be more definitive in what you want and how you say it. The letter left me confused you want them in your life but you want it on your terms. Reality is that even "wordly" families may not see each other that much. I think a good rewrite voicing how you feel, what you need then leave it open for communcation. I would leave out the UN part and maybe inculde something more impactful Jst my 2cents
• 

  simplesally

  Leave out the UN thing.

  Your letter's purpose is to appeal to them as a family, not trying to convince them you are 'apostate' or that you want to de-convert them.
• 

  2escaped lifers

  Hi Clint,

  We are in a very similar situation to yours. I am so sorry you are going through this relationship "limbo" with your family as well. Both my parents and my wife's parents have basically told us that they will not associate with us anymore, but then, as you mention in your letter, they contact us at their convenience, to ask to keep the kids, or just to check up on us. We have been discussing how to handle this, and have just about decided to go ahead and tell them what you have just written in your letter. We can't think of any other reasonable way to handle the situation. It is tearing us all apart, as both families were very close.

  I think your letter is kind and considerate, but your stand is plainly stated. It is a very courageous move you are making, and we will probably have to take the same stand. Not knowing exactly where we stand with our parents at any given time is just not worth it.

  I wish you and your new family well, and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!!!

  Best regards,

  Brandon Bartlett
• 

  peacefulpete

  How much time has there been for adjustment? It takes time to adjust our own thinking about how to view former friends and family that are still under WT influence. We mmay at first be impatient and demanding that they accept the "new us". What has happened is not unlike learning that your son or daughter is gay. Give them time. If they are willing to call to just keep in touch as you seem to be relating, that's wonderful and perhaps better than can be expected for now. If after a year or two their contact is limited to mind games and guilt trips then you have to express your displeasure and insist that things change. Perhaps that would be a good time for the U.N. thing. Don't sabatoge the relationship you do have. Often we do that when we are uncomfortable or impatient by demanding what we know the other party CANNOT do. I know nonJW people whose parents have disowned them for supporting a different political party! If yours are willing to call you and at least be civil, be glad.
  And don't wait for them! that's letting church politics ruin your family. Call at least once a week and be brief and happy to speek to them. Be the one to end the conversation so it doesn't get awkward.
  
  Learn to think outside the religious box, learn to "live and let live" yourself. When you see them don't see a JW see your Mom and Dad. The sooner you do the sooner they will see their son and daughter and not an "apostate." My folks have slowly begun to make this adjustment. My wife's are still in denial.
• 

  Flash

  Hi Freelife,

  You know the Witnesses are mislead and confused yet basicly good people. I wouldn't be the one to close the door on the relationship if I were you. A faithful Witness believes or treats every viewpoint of the GB as coming from God or His Son. That's a tough thing to overcome. I would do what they would do, plant seeds with brief facts and rhetorical questions, be patient, don't harp or be argumentative and live your life without worring whether they will or wont accept you. Don't shun them either. Your normalness may help them more than you know.
• 

  Steve Lowry

  Clint,

  There?s an old saying that if you give someone an ultimatum, then that?s just what you?ll get. I understand you?re trying to set some boundaries for you relationship with your parents and that?s understandable, but what it may sound to them is like you?re saying its, "My way or the highway". And hey, that?s a perfectly appropriate approach in a situation like yours. But you should realize the letter you?re planning on sending as it is now, is an ultimatum.

  Remember the mind control they?re under. The relationship of "convenience" (not exactly sure what you mean by that) may be all they?re capable of giving you at this time. I think you?re correct to let them know you?re disappointed in their behavior and that the current status quo isn?t what you desire in a relationship with them. I certainly would be sure to make them feel the pain of their decision, by no longer calling them. But if and when they decide to call, I would talk with them. Sure, why not. Be cordial and polite. But, I wouldn?t let them put any JW guilt trip crap on me. If you hear any of that stuff, allow them to finish their comment and then politely inform them that from now on you also don?t want to discuss any Watchtower Society related. Hey, if they want to come to your wedding let them. If they don?t come, they don?t come. But I wouldn?t be concerned about it either way. It?s out of your span of control.

  This letter you?re planning on sending to your parents is kinda like a letter a JW might send to a former member, but its just written in reverse, ya know what I mean? Why not just let them find their own way? Probably though if they follow the typical pattern, they?re gonna slowly loose contact with you anyway. There?s little you can do about it.

  Also, you sound a bit like you?re ?victimizing? in the letter. Man, don?t ever give someone you?re trying to manipulate (and yes, its ok to manipulate) any kind of leverage. You sound somewhat ?pleafull? in your tone. Be tough with them, it?s the only way. For example, " Mom and Dad, I love you both and I want you to know that my door remains open to you. I?m here if you need me. But so that you know, I won?t be rejoining the Watchtower Society in any capacity. It?s simply not right for me. I respect you?re decision if that?s the path you have chosen for yourselves. Please, respect mine in return." You may add a little here or there but keep it short and to the point. You sound like you?re very uncomfortable (in your letter) with the current situation and that you need some kind of closure for your peace of mind. That perceived "need" can be used against you. Remember that the concept of shunning is to pummel the "wayward" individual into submission. Be strong and let them know they aren?t going to manipulate YOU. This approach disarms them, trust me on this one.

  I wouldn?t get into any discussion with them, either in your letter or in person about the fallacies of the Watchtower Society. That just sounds like you?re justifying your decision to leave. Let your decision stand on its own merits. Don?t try to convince them of anything concerning the Watchtower Society. Anyway, it will only serve to put a wedge between you and them. If in the future you believe they are questioning that?s one thing, but for now I wouldn?t discuss anything Watchtower related with them. You?re always going to be the child to them in their eyes and you aren?t going to be able to show them the light, as it were. Give up on that right now.

  I hope this helps. It may not be what you wanted to hear, but I?ve been at this a long time and know the road ahead of you. Of course every situation is different but there is a common thread in all these cases.

  You can email me if you?d like to discuss this more offline at [email protected]

  Good Luck,

  Steve
• 

  Purple

  Goodluck freelife. Having a worldy family I also have to concur with what someone else said about the regularity of contact. I think familes can sometimes fall into the category of using each other but what are families for? I feel for you I really do and I can see in their a son making a heart wrenching decision. However having lost most of my family to death, I can tell you the world is a lonely place and family, even bad ones make it a little easier.

  Gosh I wouldnt like to say to you one way or the other about whether to rewrite the letter. I know from experience that this is something you have agonised over and given many hours of thought. Having said that it seems a bit JW's either or style. You have given them the ultimatum of accept you and your family as you are, involve yourself more in our lives on our terms or we say goodbye. Seems a bit harsh but I can see that emotions are involved. If you feel this is what you need to do to get on with your life apart from the truth then go ahead and do what you need to do. However, you have to live with the consequences and it will not be easy.

  Its up to you totally and know that we will be here for you to try to help you as much as we can. Hugs to you freelife and I hope you can work your way through this and resolve it with dignity and to help yourself start to heal.
• 

  Galimo

  Instead of attacking your parents or their religion you should stress that you love them.

  Attacking them is the worst possible thing you can do.

  For loves sake, for family sake. For blood is thicker than water.

  Something along the lines of "live and let live in mutual respect and family love" would sound better to me.