Letter to Mom and Dad opinions wanted

by freelife 18 Replies latest jw friends

  • Celia
    We would like to have you at our wedding, but I want there to be more of a family relationship than there is now. If that can?t be done then I guess we can?t invite you to the wedding. And if that?s the case, I will thank you for bringing me to life and doing so much for me, but I will have to say that we should not keep contact anymore.

    Your letter, imo, sounds too much like an ultimatum. You should tell them that you love them and hope you can have a real family relationship with them, in so many words, and you're hoping that they're going to follow their own heart and not obey the sick orders of the Watch Tower Society.... Tell them they're always be welcome to call or visit you.... but please, don't tell them you won't invite them to your wedding if they don't change their ways !

    The UN thing happened between 1991 and 2001, I believe.

    You love them, you want them in your life, your letter should convey that message, not threats.

  • scotsman

    You've had good advice already but I understand how torn you'll feel. The urge to be the one that terminates the relationship when you think they're about to do so is hard to resist. It also makes you feel that you have a little control over what is a monstrous situation.

    You may feel like shit either way, but if you let them reject you at least you may eventually feel a little virtuous.

    Good luck.

  • freelife

    i guess i should clarify my story here I had posted about a week ago how my Dad called me to tell me he was having back surgery and i feel that he was trying to just get sympathy from me. They are the ones who cut off contact with me I am not going to just be a son of convinence to them. He also said some mean things about my fiancee and i don't think that I should have to accept them. I f they can act civilized and act like family then I would gladly keep them in my life.

    Thanks for the suggestions and i will revise this letter more before i send it I will keep yall posted on what happens



  • ThiChi

    Throw the letter out!

    Start over with something like:

    "Dad, Mom, just a quick note to say I love you both unconditionally with all my heart. Whatever this life brings, you can always count on me as your Son, unconditionally."

    Then, follow up a few weeks later and take them out to dinner. Let them bring up the JW stuff, they may not...Be there to help your Dad out with his back.....

    Sometimes, less is more......

  • Valis

    You want them to come back to you right? Well, we need to get the ball in their court with a volley that is gonna get a response. The first part started out good, but you got right down tot the things you've always wanted to say instead of trying to reconcile. I know because I've done it many times w/my own JW parents. In fact its better for my kids to see their grandparents outside of my presence. Fortunately for them they have decided to go and visit my kids whenever they can. AND no preaching when they do. Its my rule. Anyway, think of this as the open invitation for them to be a real family instead of an ultimatum for them. Personally I would use my wedding as a chance to show them how happy you really are and I say invite them. Give an anti witness witness *LOL* Just by getting on with your lives. ehe..Oh and maybe instead of having that UN stuff in there you could merely save you have grave doubts, or serious reservations about JWland, or just no desire to be one. Saying you merely have serious doubts leave you open for another, perhaps more focued discussion of scriptural/other probs w/being a JW. At a later date. I think the real key if to separate them from their religion and often times once you get one back you can get rid of the religion over time. Example, my parents won't come to my Thanksgiving dinner, but they will travel to see my child perform in the stock show and be the object of adoration by every redneck in South Texas for a weekend...*LOL* I find much irony that I as a child wasn't allowed sports, or the FFA (not that they had that 3 minutes from downtown Dallas or anything *LOL*), but my point being that they are making exceptions...my mom started working w/a Down's Syndrome Group and Eqest (Equestrian group that introduces Down's and other challenged children to the world of horses.) Why? Because my baby sister is 14 and has Down's. She discards the rules about being involved in charity stuff because the eventual support that those groups provide comes back to help my sister. That is the underlying motive you need to foster in your parents IMO. Best of luck and welcome if I haven't done that already.


    District Overbeer

  • Billygoat

    Funny you should bring this topic up as I'm going through something very similar with my family. I would save the first paragraph and then leave out the whole UN/NGO issue. It's a different issue and it has nothing to do with wanted to be a family again. You can both argue about doctrine till your blue in the face and it doesn't solve anything and doesn't help anything. Your basic questions should be: Do I want a family? Do I want to be a family with THEM? If so, how can I express my love without giving ultimatums AND without handing over control? Yes it's easier said than done, but sometimes it helps to look at things clinically versus emotionally. Right now I am feeling very clinical about the whole thing with my folks. Do I want to have a family? Yes. Do I want it with them? Yes. Are they capable of giving and taking at the same rate of speed? No. So what do I do to protect myself AND be a family with them? Express how much I love them and miss being a family with them, but lay out the reasons as to why I don't see that happening in the near future. Keep everything "I" instead of "you" and it doesn't seem so threatening to them. Worse they can say is "no". If they do that, you are in no different place than yesterday. Well, actually you are. You are free to move on.

    Best of luck!


  • Steve Lowry
    Steve Lowry

    "They are the ones who cut off contact with me I am not going to just be a son of convinence to them. He also said some mean things about my fiancee and i don't think that I should have to accept them. I f they can act civilized and act like family then I would gladly keep them in my life."

    I?ll tell you what someone older and wiser than me told me many years ago when I was still in my twenties. If there is someone in your life that causes you more grief than pleasure, then its perfectly acceptable and appropriate to exclude him or her form your life. It?s sad that in this case that that would be your own parents, but the principle applies non-the less. I know you love your folks my friend, but there may come a time when you come to the realization that severance is a viable option. You?ve acted appropriately. You can?t expect everyone else to do the same.


  • freelife

    Steve that is the realization that i am coming to it's my sanity or my family and i want to be sane. The advice that you gave me is exactly what i needed to hear. It sometimes helps to have that outside help. I appreciate it my friend.



  • Valis

    freelife...you can cut them off w/kindness though dude. i don't talk to my parents very much at all, but they still have the ability to be a part of my kid's life. This should be a goal, otherwise you deprive them of an important part of family life IMO. Make peace with them and tell them if they want to see their grandchildren then fine, on your terms and whenever they wish. This gives you your sanity and leave the ball in their court. Just my 2 cents..

    edited cuz I'm a stupid head...grandparents wanting to see their grandparnts indeed...*LOL*


    District Overbeer

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