I know that everyone who is a member of this site has heard the same sob story a million times but, this hopefully can help my healling process. I have like most everyone else in this site have lost all that i had for friends and family. I never had realized how tough it was for anyone to have this happen. It is simply disgusting that, my own flesh and blood would cut all ties with me because, some group of religous zellotts would have them believe that this is the "best" way for me to realize my wrong. I guess i will give my life story in a nutshell and i hope that someone has some good advice. I was the child that every JW family could ever want. I did all the "right" things in my life when i was younger. and i lived through the hell that came with it. I come from a small little hick town where the only thing worse than being from a normal religon was to be of a different race. I had the crap hand given to me to have the only jw parents in town and i took such punnishment in school. I don't think i ever had a real friend in school untill, i was in the 11th grade. my parents never saw the extreme hurt that i was going through, there were so many nights that i prayed that i would not wake up in the morning so that, i would not have to be riddiculed. i wanted so bad to just die but, my mom and dad could not see past the fact that they had the perfect little jw boy that they had, and see the deep pain and suffering that they were causing. as i got older and started to work part time after school, i started to realize that i was never going to be able to keep up with the pressure that being a jw would place on you. I wanted so bad to be normal by now that, i started the old double life that i know so many of the readers know what i am talking about. i had got me a girlfriend at the place i worked at at the time. the only way i knew i could ever see her was to lie to my parents and tell them that i was going to have a bible study with one of the guys i was working with (good one huh). well as all girlfriends do she did not want to be my secret so i got up the courrage to break the news to them. this though was not in her best intrest though because she was 21 and i was only 17. my parents tried to do the old baptize her right on the spot, they even told her that her dead mother was not in heaven. but was just dead. after she left they pressured me into telling them about what i had done with her. i told them about how we did not have actual sex but, that there had been some oral sex that we did have. so they called the cops to try to get her arrested for this but i would not give up her last name so, the cops could not do anything. needless to say i was not allowed to do anything by myself again for a very long time but i finally had that taste of freedom and, i wanted more. but i was forced back into the jw way of life or, at least that is what everone thought. i was good around witnesses but was a totally different person away from them. after i got out of school i got the whole what are you going to do with your life speech from the elders and mom and dad. so i was not true to myself and did the best i could. that though was never enough i had a fulltime job because i knew that i wanted to have a family of my own. everyone looked down at me because i did not want to pioneer. but i knew that i wanted sex more than, to go preaching. so i found the first jw girl that i could get along with and married her. maybe it was love at first but it rapidly went downhill. long story made short she was not a good witness either and she ended up cheating on me with one of the guys i was working with. This really tore me up and i was handleing it very badly so, ironicly one day when i was still trying to save my marrage my wife rolled up a joint and started smoking it in front of me. i figgured that this is what she really wanted so i decided to start smoking dope too. well she still did not love me and we split anyways. the only way that i was able to cope was to smoke lots of dope. I had by this time drifted from my parrents and had not even told them about my marrage trouble. i stopped going to meetings and, i was acctually not missing them at all. i started to take in the real world for all its splendor and started to live life to its fullest and it feels so good. I had still not told anyone that i was doing this lifestyle and, i was avoiding jws all together. but then i met this wonderful girl here in the world. she is the thing i value the most. i eventually moved in with her. you can't hide forever so, i broke the news to mom and dad. and then you all know what happend. so now all i have is my girlfriend and her family. my mom and dad treat her like dog crap. my dad even told me before i got DF'd that i guess that you got to get lovins from somewhere. so now i guess she is a somewhere. well now that i anm out of the so called "truth" my mom and dad don't talk to me at all. little supprise huh. well now i am getting married to my girlfriend and she was having a hard time comming to grips with the fact that my friends and family won't be at our wedding. she doesn't understand how this so-called loving religon can destroy a family. i give her all the credit in the world for putting up with all my family bull$hit. but it is still hard on her but she sticks with me. I now hate my family and i can swear that i will never want them in my life again. if any of them should pass away i don't even think i will go see their bodies put in the ground. any one who turns their back on me is not worth me wasting my time and effort on. i hate to sound heartless but that is the way i feel. well now that i vented i feel a little better. now i am on a quest in life to find my real lost "brothers" so i would like to get some postings from some of u. thanks for letting me vent