weve been here before with this--i'm calling troll.
Non JW parent dating a JW who wants children
by M0m3 52 Replies latest members private
-
-
NotFormer
weve been here before with this--i'm calling troll."
I didn't think of that; she sounded sincere. But similar situations seem to pop up with something of a regularity that makes it almost seem like a meme.
You might be right. Hopefully Mom3 is just a bored pot-stirrer and not someone genuinely in a dilemma (an entirely avoidable one, BTW).
-
carla
I don't care if this one is a troll or not, someone may read it at some point and it will be helpful.
You said-
"Although, I would like to shed light on a couple assumptions here..
1) I HAVE met his entire family and they all love me and they are well aware that I am not JW. They still accept me (no, they don't, they are love bombing you and see you as a future cult member, you and your child) and ultimately want their son to be happy(only if he tows the line, the minute he tells them he believes differently they will shun him and toss him to the curb like a sack of trash) They are all amazing people and I don't think my boyfriend is an untrustworthy man by any means.(evidently you did not get the memo on theocratic warfare, they are allowed and encouraged to lie if it is in the best interest of the jw's and the org) He was raised JW so that is all he knows. I also know that he is struggling to find his way in the religion because it is a lot of pressure and he feels like he has to be perfect.(yes! he can't find "his" way in the religion because there is no individual way to practice being a jw, there is ONLY the governing body/elders way) He and his family have been lying to you and not upfront about jw-ism)
2) My partner and I have DEFINITELY discussed these things and it's a topic we are both aware of. We are both undecided on which way we want to handle things if we share a future together. This is NOT the first time I've brought this up, I just figured some advice from an outside source would help give me some tips and pointers which I definitely needed so thank you ! (: (have you discussed how he would let you and any children die for lack of blood? are you ok with that? do not believe him if he tells you he would authorize it. I am a ubm and you have no idea the lengths I went through to make sure I would be the first call in case of emergency with my children and my own health. I will tell you, knowing your spouse would rather see you and your children dead than to threaten their standing in the kh is a bit off putting to say the least.)
3) He does not expect me to conform but the fact that he expects our future child to conform is troubling and that is the main concern.(do you not understand the jw's teach their children that ubm's and non believing relative are of satan? and deserve to die?
Once again, I really appreciate everyone's feedback. I'm very new to this thing and wasn't sure if I could respond individually with people so I just tried my best to respond outwardly to the thread.
You also said he would do something else with the unborn child while you and your bio child celebrate a holiday. Can you really see that? Do you know what they will be doing? probably going out in service or at some jw relative house having 'not thanksgiving turkey' and having 'not Christmas roast (or whatever) and cookies' while you are feeling torn in 2.
Here is a short list of what the jw's control in the life of a jw (how do I know? I am a never been jw, a ubm (unbelieving mate) who's spouse joined this insidious cult later in life while we had younger children. I never allowed them to step foot in a kh but everybody we know saw the changes in my husband, and no, they were not for the better. Here is some things they will control in your life-
No coming to sites like this one, ever
no holidays
no r rated movies and many pg are out as well (no Harry Potter and even many Disney movies are a no, no)
No lucky charms or count chocula, etc...
no flashy ties or things with style
no hair that goes over the top of the ear for men
no facial hair (possibly a mustache, depends on where you live)
no looking at outside biblical books, theology and even the history of jw's themselves
no sports for kids
no band for kids (too many patriotic, holiday and non approved concerts & music)
no theater for kids
basically no extra curricular activities for kids
no college, 2 year might be ok in certain circumstances
no dances
no voting
friends outside the kh are discouraged for both children and adults
they will tell you how you can make love to your spouse (and when they don't go along with orders from headquarters they will feel guilt and probably spill the beans to an elder at some point which may result in a judicial meeting in which 3 men will be discussing your sex life and probably telling their own wives about as well. When I say they will discuss your sex life I don't just mean in general terms, those pervert elders want to know each and every detail, how many fingers, color of underwear, where was this and that, where the tongue went , etc......
they will protect the organization at all cost even if you or your child is molested and raped (see all the csa stories in the US and around the world)
he will be expected to shun any child who he has been bringing to a kh if they do anything wrong or choose to believe differently. I suggest you read some of the heartbreaking shunning stories from around the world.
books and movies in the home must be jw approved or a fight will ensue
can you imagine your spouse never being able to say happy birthday to you or your child? any idea how hurtful this little thing is to a normal child who has always had birthdays? You may think it is not a big deal but I can tell you from personal experience it is hurtful and that hurt will not go away into adulthood.
If your child goes to a kh they will discuss (like a sermon) with everybody right there be it babies and toddlers to grandma's & grandpa's about masturbation, sex, anal sex, oral sex, etc... are you alright with this?
If you don't join your spouse will be looked down upon by the congregation and he may not get certain 'privileges' like holding the mic, cleaning the toilets, being an ms or elder, etc... how do you think he will feel when everybody is like, "oh poor Bob, married to a ubm it must be so difficult" or " what the heck is wrong with Bob? he can't even get his wife and children into a kh?! he must not very spiritual" Think he will come with roses on days like that?
You have a lot to think about and for the sake of your child I hope you will do all you can to protect your child from this cult. If you read the boards you will see not only the child sexual abuse that goes on but the physical, spiritual and emotional abuses. Your happiness does not trump the welfare and happiness of your child. It's what you signed up for when you became a mother, protect the child at all costs, even your own welfare. Be that mother bear and do the right thing by your child.
Can a marriage work out in the end with a jw and ubm, yes, but is a long and hellish road I don't wish on anybody. Please, please do not do this to your child. We have found our way but it was not easy. We do have fun together and have great love for each other but we also have been together longer than you have probably been alive. My advice would be to let him go and have his jw life and you find someone that truly knows what unconditional love is because it does not exist in the jw with spouses, children or friends.
-
NotFormer
Carla, you're absolutely right. Even if trolls start these threads for whatever weird reasons, including to waste everybody's time, there is no harm in giving legitimate answers as though the question was sincere. There is almost never no reason to tell outsiders why they should never join the JWs.
Your answers are brilliant and comprehensive. 👍👏
-
carla
NotFormer, thank you for your kind words.
-
GLTirebiter
Even if you can get him to agree to what seems a reasonable compromise now, don't expect it to last. The WT publications will tell him repeatedly that any celebration of holidays or birthdays is wrong, and he will push back and not honor the compromise...maybe not right away, maybe not all at once, but it will happen. Add to that the WT "headship" doctrine, and the cards are stacked against you in the long run. It may be an amazing dating relationship, but it takes much more to establish an enduring marriage.
-
DesirousOfChange
I will wager that all these warnings will be ignored.
-
tiki
So has the rule changed? Used to be a major no-no to marry an unbeliever.. But if this guy is engaged to a non-jw chances are he's not all that into the religion
-
KerryKing
Don't do it to your child.
-
Gorb
Don't do this. Avoid all the trouble.
G