*sigh* I think I'm staying in the borg

by SC_Guy 55 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  seattleniceguy

  Hello SC_Guy,

  I feel for you. I gave up a large swath of my family when I left the organization. But to me, there is no more horrible feeling in this world than the feeling of being untrue to what one knows in one's heart. Just reading your words, "I'm trapped," I had the sensation of darkness invading from every side. I would be unable to withstand a life of such entrapment. The ill feelings of being part of a lie are compounded over an entire lifetime to form a very heavy price.

  You have a difficult choice to make. I'll tell you from my experience, though, that in terms of peace of mind, inner equillibrium, and true friends, life is much better on the outside, even if it meant an up-front payment of extreme duress.

  My thoughts are with you.

  SNG
• 

  RAYZORBLADE

  Dude, I wish that things were different for you. Wishful thinking, I know, won't get you nor I anywhere, but it sounds as though your emotional heart strings are being tugged enormously.

  This is not uncommon, and not to in any way trivialize your emotions and what you are feeling right now. The words uttered by your sister, I'm sure are said with good intent, I wouldn't question that. I've heard this very same statement made with family members: 'I cannot bear to think of you not there with me in the New System'. It's manipulation; despite her love for her brother, twin or no twin, the emotions are the key to drawing those who can 'see the difference' back into an organization that is in itself: untruthful. I'm sorry to come across here so unfeeling, really....I care, it's just that I hate to see you go back into something that is conditional. Whereas you, love your family: unconditionally.

  My hope would be that, if you could keep it together, be the one to get family to look at you as someone who CAN live outside of the organization, successfully. I have a very dear friend in Britain, and despite all the hell he went through, he eventually stuck to his guns, and did not return: his siblings followed suit eventually, and they too, are no longer JWs. I know, this is someone elses experience and each family and situation is different than the other.

  SC Guy, I wish you the best, and hope that the posts preceeding mine, will give you some comfort and something to seriously think about. Mouthy (our beloved grannie) cares a great deal, and if you're a believer/non-believer, her words are genuine. Everyone has imparted some kindness, and we really and truly wish that you can hang in there, and perhaps be the one to have your sister join you in:

  freedom

  Respectfully yours,
  Rayzorblade

  (I sincerely apologize if I have in any way offended you)
• 

  Maverick

  Since you call the WTS the borg, you KNOW it is all BS! Does your sister really love you? Does she love you enough to let you be happy living your life outside the mind control of this publishing company masquerading as a religion? As an artisit I know how it felt to be around all those dull drones! You will be miserable, and in time come to actively HATE them and your life pretenting to be one of them. You are past the point of no return.

  Listen, even IF the J-duds had it right, ( which they don't) do you think their God will let you in "the new world" knowing in your heart you don't believe? Maverick
• 

  Flowerpetal

  SS and Maverick,

  As a late-blooming artist, (even though now looking in retrospect, I've always had that creative personality) your posts speak to me. At times, growing up, I always had the sense that my mom didn't know what to do with me sometimes, because my mind was always sort of off center, even though I was a good dub growning up..she knew there was something about me she couldn't reach. One time she even asked me why I couldn't be like my JW friend, who was always obedient and had that zeal for the "troof" that I didn't. I was her only child and she loved me...my non-JW dad and she had somewhat of a tug of war about me and he always let her win--therefore I was stuck in this religion growing up and now am attempting a fade...
• 

  Flowerpetal

  Didn't mean to internalize this post started by SC_Guy.

  SC_Guy I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. Just cling close to God and try at least, if you still feel you must associate with the organization, to mentally free yourself from the attitudes and slant on the Bible they have. If it gets to be too much and you need a dose of reality often, come to this board and you will see the "real world." That's what I do.
• 

  Deputy Dog

  SC Guy

  What kind of a "religion" would force a family to make this decision?

  I know you're in a tough spot! I'll be praying for you. I don't have a religion, I have a relationship with the Creator of the universe (Jesus Christ).

  D Dog
• 

  SC_Guy

  Thanks guys.
  
  I know if I stay, that I will be doing something that isn't fair to me... but if I go, I know what will happen. My DA'ed Grandmother I have never met her up untill 3 years ago... just recently I took a visit to go see her and she was such a comfort to me. She told me life is just too short to treat people like garbage or to be wasting your time with people who treat you as such. My aunts, some of them never got dunked and they just left... my family shuns them as well... my father is the most 'zelous' when it right down to it. I've expressed this to my arts teacher, she has been the most supportive person in my life now... she's ex-morman, she knows about it... Last week, I was a crying mess and she gave me a big hug and she gave me a perspective about what she has went though.
  
  I'm not babtized yet, and I'm close to 18... my family prods me about it allot, and I made the decision to do it this summer to keep up apprences. When it comes down to it, I do hate it... I hate it with every fiber of my being. I hate just going to the bookstudy/WT Study and hear people roll around information in a paragraph and afterwards people will be like "Oh, that was SUCH a good study!" Or sing songs about "Loyal Submission"... I'm sick of it all. Just sometimes, everything feels like it's crushing me all at once... my past history, what I want to do and people excpect of me if feels like I can't breath and I just want to explode... I've already attempted sucicde a few times, I just don't know how much worse I can feel at this point... my life really sucks.
• 

  City Fan

  Hi SC,

  I can remember once, after my brother had left the 'troof', telling him tearfully how awful it would be to live in the new system without him. Not many years later I came to the same conclusion as him and left as well. I'm not saying your twin will change her opinion but it could happen.

  I wish you all the best with these important decisions you have to make.

  CF.
• 

  cruzanheart

  I've already attempted sucicde a few times, I just don't know how much worse I can feel at this point... my life really sucks.

  Oh, please, PLEASE, SC_Guy, don't let it get to that point! You sound like such an interesting, creative person -- please don't sacrifice that on the altar of "family." First of all, let's look at this objectively: you won't lose ALL of your family if you leave. You have your grandmother and a few others who are not part of the Witnesses and who would be there for you. Secondly, your twin is putting a very unfair guilt trip on you. What if she did that over your choice of life partner? Would that be fair? Would you choose her over the REST OF YOUR LIFE? If you stay for her, or for your mother, and get so depressed that you actually do commit suicide, you will have left them anyway. Wouldn't it be better to be alive and doing what is best for YOU, and let them accept you for who you are?

  Love is NOT conditional. I know at your age it's hard to make such a life-changing decision, but I think a good start would be to refuse to get baptized. That's a good first step. Let that settle, and then take another step.

  And please keep us posted on how you are doing. If you feel an emotional crisis coming on, please have someone you can talk to about it. We really want you to be happy, okay?

  Love,

  Nina
• 

  czarofmischief

  The sad thing is, even if you do concede that you need to stay in the borg, it won't make you happy. You'll always feel sad about the things you are giving up - the artistic and creative needs you have that will never be filled as long as the borg is taking up your weekends and two evenings every week, not to mention going to conventions and bs like that.

  Hang in there. Suicide is not an answer - death makes nothing easier - but only hard work and pain will get you where you need to be. No easy answers - no quick relief, sorry.

  Just remember, suicide is NOT going to solve your problems. Only hard work and effort will. It hurts, but in the end you will be proud of what you have wrought with your life.

  CZAR