Opinions Please....Engagement Timing

by Stacy Smith 58 Replies latest social relationships

  • Abaddon
    Abaddon

    A very dear ex-girlfriend of mine has a Portuguese mum and an English dad. He was in Portugual, they met, he asked her to travel round the world with him, she said yest, they got married, travlled the world for five years having my x and her bro onnthe way, and then settled down.

    He's an utter bastard with mental problems caused or made worse by too much in the way of LSD in the seventies. They're seperated, he has no relationship with his kids to speak of... and of course, it's not his problem...

    Yes, quick can be good, but quick can mean you don't know what you might have known had you been slow.

    I think what you say about making sure he knows how the ground lies re. proposing is wise Stacey, it avoids potential problems.

  • Stacy Smith
    Stacy Smith

    You've all been great with your responses and you've all been kind offering heart felt advice. I do appreciate that. First of all let me say that asking here really isn't a sign of indecision. I do this sort of thing with major decisions almost all the time. Usually I just ask my friends what they think (even if I've made up my mind) and this time I included you guys.

    Im going to answer Panda directly because I found those interesting observations.

    See how your honey treats his mother (this is of paramount importance).

    This one I'm familiar with. I've always believed that if a guy treats his mom poorly that he'll treat you even worse.

    Does he ever (and I mean EVER) ask you for money

    No he hasn't. As it turns out he doesn't hurt for money. He drives a junker but that's because nice cars get ruined at school. I thought he was very poor at first and I was waiting for him to bum a few bucks off of me, like some guys do.

    Does he wear socks? Are his shoes slip on or tie.

    This is interesting. Yes he wears socks and doesn't wear slipons. He has velcro type cycling shoes but so do I. I am thinking of the guy that asked me out before Mike did, he was a player and did wear slipons without socks. Interesting indeed.

    Do you actually have fun in bed, not the usual rabid rabbit thing but really enjoy being together.

    We have great sex but there are times in the mornings where we've just layed there talking and talking. He is really intelligent and I am fascinated by him and enjoy our conversations. So lots of time we are talking when we could be just doing it.

    I have noticed that couples who stay together are the ones who hold hands. Kiss each other hello. Generally extend common curtesy to each other, NOT just in public but private too

    We will hug and do a little peck when we meet in public. PDA's aren't comfortable for me. Hand holding in the movies suck with those sweaty hands but I will wrap my arm around his. He will touch my face or hair every so often. Very affectionate guy. My parents still to this day hold hands while walking together. A couple of horny teenagers those guys.

    Fights --- they happen. If they don't there's something wrong. Lacy and Scott Petrerson NEVER fought.
    Yikes, he's gone. Loser never wants to fight. Well just little ones that end in a couple of mintues. We've never left each other angry.
  • William Penwell
    William Penwell

    Panda,

    Your experience is an exception not a rule. You just lucked out and got a good guy. I know by my own experience that 2 months is not enough to get to know someone. It is the dub mind set that says in order to have sex you must be married, so you get a lot of dubs marrying for the sex. I am not condoning jumping into bed with everyone that comes alone but if your relationship advances to a point where it becomes intimate than that is a natural process. I have spoken to so many 20 to 30 year old dubs about taking your time and getting to know one another first before commitments. As a matter of fact a dub was telling me this the other day. She just came out of a bad marriage, her divorce is finalized in a few months and she would be married a month later if someone asked her!!!

    Will

  • Panda
    Panda

    Stacy, So far so good. And remember engagement isn't marriage. The only thing we had trouble w/ about the wedding was whether to get hitched in the Catholic church or the Greek Orthodox church. We went Catholic because Nick wouldn't have to change his religion for us to have a mass. But something I want to mention, before the priest would agree to marry us we had to go to a few sessions with a psychologist to see if we were mature enough to get married... wise move on the priests part. So that's something to consider, too.

    Also, that shoe and sock and money test has almost always worked the way the psychologists say... we all speak volumes by our choices in clothing.

    Hugs and Good Luck, Panda

    Oh, one more thing... driving the clunker may show that he's a bit too practical with money, this isn't a fault unless he actually tries to rule the spending habits of you two as a couple. Whenever you see a divorce in action you'll notice men love money, and women love stuff. It isn't easy to meld these two when you're married. Nick says when a man gets tight fisted with $$$ he's stopped thinking in terms of WE.

    edited to add that last bit and correct a spelling error... yeah that's it.

  • Panda
    Panda

    Will, There are certain warning signs that your Portuguese and English couple did not pay attention to in their relationship.

    One major factor is marrying someone who knows where you're coming from, with two vastly different cultures you really do need time to understand each other, so yes, I agree with you in that case. And I think that's always the answer, every case is different.

    Was I lucky to fall in love with Nick? You bettcha'. And that's another thing, I really believe that if two people are in love and want to do stuff together ie., travel, learn, read etc., then why stop them from getting married? My parents, especially my Mom who was unhappy in her marriage, didn't want me to get married. Her experience was negative and so that's the only experience she knew.

    There are a plethora of clues as to whether a couple should get married. Unfortunately, many couples ignore those signs, especially dubs who want to get married to have sex. I think that's one of the worst crimes that the WTS is guilty .

  • Billygoat
    Billygoat

    So many interesting responses! Stacy, you've always struck me as a very mature young person. Beyond your years. But then again, after what some of us exJWs have been through, is it any wonder that we feel old? I've always thought I had an "old soul".

    I am 32 and on my second marriage. Mozzer4life and I have been married a short 14 months. But every moment has truly been great! We love each other deeply and really LIKE each other. (I think Big Tex mentioned that and it's so true!) But let me tell you about my first marriage. He was my college sweetheart and getting married was just the "next thing to do". I realize that's not your situation, but I highly encourage you to wait until later. I'm so proud that you're waiting until after you acquire your education. That is incredibly important! Good for you!

    But if you're anything like me and dozens of other people I know - your twenties are Phase Two of your adolescence. You will not believe how much you grow into yourself. Yes, you are not the typically 20-something, but in another 8 - 10 years your personal growth will really amaze you. It has just been in the last two years that I am REALLY feeling comfortable in my own skin. I still have issues (always will!) but things really do have a different perspective towards your late 20's. I am truly a different person!

    Fights --- they happen. If they don't there's something wrong. Lacy and Scott Petrerson NEVER fought.

    I don't necessarily agree with this. Yes, fights happen, but they don't have to. Neil and I argue and have disagreements, but I don't consider that fighting. Fighting does NOT have to happen as long as there is a good line of communication. If that's the case, disagreements can usually be handled very maturely without it escalating into a fight. (Fighting to me is two persons who are not willing to compromise - an essential skill for a healthy relationship. Disagreements are a different matter!)

    Just my two cents...FWIW. You're doing great kiddo! And even though I don't write to you much, you've been an interesting and fun person to witness on this board! I wish I had a little sister your age.

    Andi

  • Panda
    Panda

    OKAY... What I meant to say was ...

    Disagreements... they happen. If they don't there's something wrong. Scott and Laci Peterson didn't disagree.
  • Stacy Smith
    Stacy Smith

    I appreciate everyones comments. You have all given me some valued insight.

    I am leaning towards accepting the engagement offer. Leaning doesn't mean it's in the bag, that's just the way I'm leaning. I am very curious what changes will occurr when Mike starts his job next month. He will have huge responsibilities and be away a couple of days each week. Will he change? Most likely, let's see if I like those changes. I can hand that ring back anytime I want.

    Andi are you one of the nicest people here or what? I lurked for some time before I joined this site. I've never seen you speak a negative word towards anyone. As my big sister you need to slap me down when you see me getting "cheeky".

    many couples ignore those signs, especially dubs who want to get married to have sex
    not my problem
  • Billygoat
    Billygoat
    As my big sister you need to slap me down when you see me getting "cheeky".

    No way hon! "Cheeky" runs in our family! Be proud of it!

    Will you be coming to Dallas next week???

  • Stacy Smith
    Stacy Smith

    I'd love to Andi but this coming week is finals and then I'm off to Maui with my parents and that guy that's stalking me. It would have been great to meet you and some others from the board.

    I knew it wasn't my fault for being cheeky

Share this

Google+
Pinterest
Reddit