by Stacy Smith 58 Replies latest social relationships
I just got engaged at 33. It's great, first time.
However, the changes I, and most people go through in personality from twenty, to twenty five, to 30 are pretty big. I know so many people, myself included that NEVER wanted kids at 20, & you hit 30 & thats all you want. What if that happens, but only to one of you?
I guess what I'm saying is, what's the rush?
Stacy,
Wait!!!!! Your much to young....Get your education, then worry about marriage....Just my 2 cents...if he really loves you, he will wait...
morty
edited to say...I was 29 when I got hitched and am glad I waited...( sow some oats first)
Under no circumstance would I stop my education. I also would not marry until I graduate, that's a given, we've discussed that and he has agreed.
I have a career in mind. I'm not going through school to become a housewife. I can't boil water and I have no desire to learn now. He knows he won't be ending up with a maid. You guys know he won't end up with someone meek.
Boy reading back on that I look like a crappy wife.
Good, that would be easy to live up to
The second time around I took my time even though I was pretty certain that the future Mrs. Thirdson was the right person. We dated for a year and I had known her for about 15 months before I popped the question. When her apartment lease was up she moved closer to me but not in with me even though she spent most of her time over at my house. Having her own apartment meant she could still have time to herself and away from me. We planned our wedding to be about a year after announcing our engagement. We moved it up a month so as not to interfere with her dad's pre-arranged hunting trip (planned more than a year in advance).
There's no need to rush things. Be absolutley sure.
Thirdson
BTW, despite our differences in religious upbringing, culture and age difference we were very compatible according to the scores on the test we took as part of pre-marriage counseling. I think counseling was helpful too.
Neither of us want kids. We both want and encourage the other to have careers.
My brother and his wife said the same thing. Now they have two little toddlers running them ragged while they try to keep up with their demanding careers. I get exhausted just watching them.
(PS) Does he know you're bi?
Stacy, you seem to have a reasonable head on your shoulders on this matter. I applaude you for that.
Here are my thoughts:
For most of us (cult issues aside), do the vast amount of maturing in our twenties. You are not yet twenty one. The outlook you have now, will most likely not be the same outlook when you are thirty.
I believe that before marriage, you should have some life experience. That means graduating from college, getting a job, supporting your self, paying your own bills. Doing mundane everyday tasks. Not for a few months, but for a few years, on your own. No living together. You depending on you.
Studies have shown that marriages that have the best chance for success are the ones that are delayed after the age of 28. That doesn't mean you can't have a happy marriage. It's doesn't mean that others haven't done it and been successful. It just means that the odds are against you.
I was also so sure that kids were not in my future at your age. Now, I have two. I've seen it go both ways. My best friend is childless by choice and been married many years (She's 40). However, I also have seen divorces because after a few years of marriage, one partner had changed their mind regarding kids once they hit their 30's (it was the husband). So, never say never.
So, I guess my vote is not to rush it.
Best wishes.
I waited until I was older to get married. I was truly in love when I was 19, and 21, and again at 22, and again at 24 - but each time, my personality changed and I became incompatible with the poor girls. I mean, I was still a dub when I was 22!
You could accept the ring, but be aware that your personality will change soon. It could work out, but you shouldn't bother unless you are absolutely sure. I sense that by asking this question you have some hesitations.
Now that I'm married to my mulpis, I feel happy about it. We lived together for two years. But then again, we didn't date for any length of time at all before she moved in. But then again, she's a magical princess from the Dimension of Love (hee hee).
I dunno - remember that things like the desire for children and for careers will change after you graduate college.
I'd say wait a while - until you have your first job out of school - and then see how your personality meshes with his at that point.
CZAR
Yes Jim he knows I'm bi. I took him to the Moscone for Halloween and had him dress up as a drag queen. My mom did the makeup.
I appreciate all the advice, all of it is good. I don't rush into thing and I can't imagine rushing into marriage.
My personality will change and I know his will too. If we change in different directions then it's a formula for failure. But the kids? That won't happen. I've never had the urge and I doubt I ever will. I'm not all that fond of kids anyway. In fact if at a gathering there are kids around I"ll make myself scarce.
SS, you got plenty of suggestions and yes, take your time. You see my wife has been married for 41 years. (notice I said my wife?) We've known each each since childhood (she not being a witness) I married her when I was a JW and she was not. So, the picture I'm painting is, circumstances differ with one another. Some people can hit it off, others, welllllllllll, a painful and regretful experience. Relationship means compromises, yes, were in this together. Like a team of horses that plow a field, they share the pulling. If you team up a work horse with a race horse, donkey or mule to plow a field, expect problems. If your compatible, things will work out. It has for some on this forum. (Second time around for some)
All I can say is, I hope whatever decision you make works for your happiness. This by the way is not my opinion, but my experience. Of course, you need to hear my wife's side of the story! She wouldn't give you 's up. Then again, she may have pity on me.
Guest 77
Two months is way early, IMHO. I was immensely immature and stupid when I got married at 22, after dating six months - I got engaged after only six weeks. Five and a half years later it was over. I think you're probably more emotionally mature than I was then; have you been in many relationships before?
You are very wise in putting off any knot tying until you're finished with your course. I'd also put off any commitments to tie knots too.
Give it time... I have heard the "seeing a (insert guy or girl) for (insert short time period) and we are perfect" thing quite a few times; it's always delivered with great sincerity and rightly so. However, not even half of the people I can remember gushing like that were with the person they gushed about for very long.
And make sure you really know how he would feel if you had a female lover (unless you yourself wouldn't consider a female lover once you were married). Being unconcerned or happy with the idea can change in the face of reality.
And as for kids; x-girlfriend of mine who would "NEVER have kids" now is on third one. Although this goes against the little vestiges of PCness in me, this is one area where I have seen close friends undergo a 180 degree turnabout. All this talk of biological clocks is not misogynistic prattle; many women are supremely unconcerned about kids until their late twenties and then realise to their horror they stare at little children every opportunity they get... and want one...
