What to Do....Please Help. Awakening JW for a very long time

by CovertsadJW 57 Replies latest social family

  • CovertsadJW

    Good afternoon ,

    I have been having doubts for many years and as most JW's I have certainly not done myself a favor by suppressing all of my critical thinking. I am married with 3 kids and my wife and I are inactive, but my wife has made it very clear in speech and action that she wants to go to all meetings, field service, and indoctrinate our kids. Her unhappiness has become a major issue; she ultimately tells her friends that they are lucky to have husbands who go to meetings. You know when a person is not happy with another; its impossible to hide. I have been avoiding the issue-I am in a crisis of life changing proportions. I can't with all of my heart tell my kids such a lie-I cant even fake it. I would love to sit down with my wife and explain how I really feel in my heart; but that would be received as apostasy. I personally feel I should not fear reading, or researching, or telling a loved one how I really feel-but you know how that ends. I love my family and my kids, but my wife is so unhappy, is verbally abusive to me and the kids. I really feel that its not such a stretch that " from an abusive religion comes abusive, perfectionist type personalities". My kid are younger, not baptized and not fully indoctrinated. I feel if I stay I will be forced to " lie" to my kids and start the whole indoctrination process. After that you know what happens, fear, shame, guilt, baptism. A most certainly self-esteem crushing experience as I remember. I do not want that for my kids-what to do?

    Any help would be great!


  • stan livedeath
    stan livedeath

    hi--welcome to the site. many of us have been where you are now.

  • ttdtt

    Hello CovertsadJW - I know exactly how you feel.

    Let me emphasize 1 thing.
    All your actions from now on NEED to be focused on making sure you KIDS do not become JWs.

    Your happiness, your marriage must be secondary to that. You OWE your kids as a man to not let them become part of this cult and waste their lives.

    In their lifetime the WT will crumble, and what you dont want to happen is this. Your kids are 40, and come to you and say, "Why didnt you tell us this was all bullshit? How could you let us waste our lives dad?"

    I was able to help wake up my wife (which I did not at all expect) and we all got out together.

    Now my kids can be normal humans, and have a great life ahead of them.

    I would be happy to give you some tips that might work if you want them.

  • Phizzy

    Dear Covert,

    Welcome to this very friendly, safe Port in a Storm. You are among friends here, who wish to help. My first piece of advice is, take a big breath, feel the calm washing over you, and then...... do nothing.

    There is simply no hurry, take your time, take advice on here, but yes, you do have to tread carefully through the minefield that JW org has laid for you.

    What you have to do is take the time to ask yourself what you wish to achieve. It seems to me you really love your children, and want what is best for them.

    What is best for them is a stable home where they are loved and nurtured by both parents. This may be difficult to achieve now, you cannot unlearn what you know, your wife does not know what you have learned, the conclusions you have come to.

    The process of "coming together" between you and your wife may be a longish one, but is worth working towards.

    The first step is to assure her of your love for her, and the children, and to act as though they are the main thing in your life. This may involve you swallowing the bitter pill of living the life of a JW on the surface for a while.

    But, over time , you can introduce ideas, ask questions, that will gradually make her face up to whether she is really in the "truth", or is it just a group she is happy with ?

    I do feel you have your work cut out, but stick with it, keep asking advice on here on any aspects of your progress, and remember, many of us have been where you are now, and are happy to walk with you all the way.

    Good luck !!

  • sparrowdown

    First off, remember you have rights as a person and a father. You have a right to a say in how your children are raised and what they are taught.

    It's possible if your wife has been inactive going back to meetings for a while might just cure her of wanting to go at all because they really suck.

    You're not the crazy one, every doubt you're having about this religion is rational and normal.

  • VW.org

    This may help your partner wake up so you can get your kids out.


  • CovertsadJW

    I want to thank everyone for your replies, but I have become depressed-very, I have had anxiety for multiple reasons. I have read some great advice, and so much makes sense; except the fact that my wife would never ever except me as a non JW. I was reading the latest on Sex abuse scandal and she texted me What kind of S are you reading? She cannot communicate on basic issues( another topic) her parents, friends, brothers and sisters are all in it. Her brother is an Elder, etc, etc. Her family is very close. I can calmly sit down and talk about anything, but she has walked away from me and stonewalled me on so many occasions. I cant fake it-I run out of the hall so fast when we go, my kids have been asking questions and I am answering them honestly-my answers are not JW, but honest and my wife gets so upset. She has been mad for a very long time


  • skin

    I think you need to take your time. You said that your wife is "verbally abusive", this is probably the biggest issue you may have to personally deal with, is this mainly when you bring up anything that puts JW.org in question, difficult questions for them to answer? I know witnesses who would sooner use "verbally abusive" or cry out "apostate" to protect their Watchtower beliefs.

    Another thing that could happen, once your wife realizes that you are on the fade out of the WT, she may increase her JW position, doing more for JW.org to try to compensate for your inactivity.

  • JaniceA

    Initiate marriage counseling. Document abuse. If things don't change, get divorce and keep kids away from the insanity.

  • DesirousOfChange

    Stop now, and STFU as for saying anything negative about the JW’s to your wife.

    You’ve already gotten some fantastic advice in the first couple of replies. When I was first beginning to wake up to TTATT, I found it greatly distressing. I was in disbelief. How could I have been so blind for so long.

    In several of my past posts, would you can find here, I explained how I begin asking questions to my wife and let her out also.

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