without having to worry about ingesting tainted moonshine alcohol, being drugged and raped,
Right, those things never happen in America.
Anyway, I would at least say that when you consider all of the offerings available in the region for resorts, the DR is one of the worse. There are many great options that are safer and less crowded. For the past 2 years for example, I've been going to Antigua, and I will go back in a few months. I always feel safe there, though I don't really stay in a resort. Or even if you want a better option, go to St Barths, i've been there twice in last 5 years, and it's almost like being somewhere in Europe, though it is expensive.