Need to vent. I am thinking of leaving my wife.

by goingthruthemotions 26 Replies latest jw experiences

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  dubstepped

  Can you be yourself in this relationship? If you can't, you need to express that and see how it goes. If she can't accept you for who you are and you're stuck walking on eggshells among a JW maybe it's time to leave. A friend of mine came to me talking about something similar. He tried so hard but the cult dominated his marriage still, and he left after 20 years or so. It was hard to tell his kids. But the sense of relief and freedom was immeasurable and he came back later lamenting why he took so long to do it.

  Only you can decide where you are. Not us. I think holding you to percentages is silly. If the 15% of the time it was miserable she was hitting you we'd all tell you to leave. So percentages don't matter. What are you putting up with? What is she putting up with? What happens if you're authentically you? You say that you don't think she cares if the marriage falls apart. Why do you say that? Be you. Let her be her. If that isn't tenable, and often it is the JW that can't abide by the ex-JW being themselves, then you have to decide if that is worth enduring more of for whatever payoff you see.
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  eyeuse2badub

  When one of the partners leaves the cult, it usually has a devastating affect on the one who remains in the cult. My wife and I went through that years ago.I thought about divorce but gave it some time. We are a divided religious couple but still relatively happy in our marriage.

  I do attend some meetings and conventions with her just to keep in touch with some of my life long friends but it's hard to sit and listen to bullsh*t. Once you know ttatt, you can't go back!

  just saying!
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  truth_b_known

  I highly recommend seeing a licensed counselor/therapist. If there is no danger of physical harm (i.e. assaultive behavior, sickness induced by depression) then there is hope.

  I would do nothing to try and steer her from the JW religion. She will only see that as an attack and an excuse to withdraw from you. Perhaps even secretly hoping you will leave and divorce her.

  Rather, be supportive while doing your own thing, but also always willing to do non-religious things together. Work on being the best you as possible. Remember PIES -

  Physically attractive

  Intellectually attractive

  Emotionally attractive

  Spiritually attractive

  That last one does not mean religion. It means you have a set of morals and ideals you believe in, but also practice.

  If your wife feels safe in the fact that you are not doing anything to discourage her from being a JW she cannot use that as an excuse to withdraw from you. Reassure her that you respect her freewill to chose a religion and to practice it. Let her know that you do not want to do anything interfere.

  If she wants to attend meetings ask her if she needs a ride. If she wants to attend a regional convention ask her how you can help her attend. Support her decision to be a Witness.

  In the end, her own belief system demands she respect you. If you actively support her life and ministry she has no ground to stand on to separate or divorce. That leaves her with these options -

  Be in a miserable marriage

  Separating or divorcing you, but having to be single or risk being disfellowshipped
  

  Be a happy JW with a happy marriage to a non-believer

  Option 1 is directly tied to option 3. If she is making the choice to hamstring the marriage because she doesn't want to be married to a non-believer, let her do the dirty work and have the blood on her hands. Show her you can be happy without being a Witness. Let her learn the hard way that JWs break up happy marriages and families.
• 

  Giordano

  Very good advice from Carla and truth b known.

  Great questions from dubstepped.

  
  "What are you putting up with? What is she putting up with? What happens if you're authentically you? You say that you don't think she cares if the marriage falls apart. Why do you say that? Be you. Let her be her. If that isn't tenable, and often it is the JW that can't abide by the ex-JW being themselves, then you have to decide if that is worth enduring more of for whatever payoff you see."

  Just like you learned about the truth......it seems you now need to learn the truth about your marriage. Are you dropping small anti JW cluster bombs?

  Does she make every conversation about the truth and the 'friends'.

  There has to be boundaries established in every close relationship for it to thrive. Companionship is the key to having a reasonable marriage.
• 

  Vanderhoven7

  Why not show your wife what unconditional love looks like. Be a servant to her and hopefully she will see there is goodness outside of the cult.
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  stan livedeath

  Make a list...pro's and con's of your marriage. Actually write them down. Read it a few times.

  Then leave it lying around.
• 

  Alive!

  When my other half and I were active Witnesses, for the 25 years we were involved, we were in a great relationship and the worst relationship.

  I was the ‘driver’, I really loved the ‘truth’.

  Secretly, he was ambiguous ( although never admitted it) and this showed up in his JW life in many ways. He felt trapped, but that was not known to me at the time.

  You know, where there exists the potential for a caring relationship within a marriage, especially a long term marriage - it’s absolutely worth the work to find a peaceful co-existence.

  So lovely to read the encouragement to stay and make it work from others here.

  Such incredibly rich advice in the responses to you.

  I feel for you both, don’t give up. 🙂
• 

  snare&racket

  Talking to her will give you your answer...... you must express it. She can't divorce you as per JW rules so there is nothing to lose.

  Hmmm.....I wonder if they will change the rules to allow divorce of partners that leave the WT. They have put the partners 'spiritual life in danger'... hmmm
• 

  Giordano

  Yes she can get a divorce because of the spiritual lack of leadership.

  I think every believing JW looks the other way when it comes to being a JW and getting rid of a mate who opposes the religion.

  "In a healthy marriage, change is welcomed. It is celebrated. But in other marriages, change means growing apart. You no longer share the same vision for your day-to-day living or your future. You no longer share the same passions that you once did.

  Your circle of friends changes. More often than not, you do “your thing,” and your spouse will go off and do “their thing.” It’s unfortunate. But it happens more often than you might like to think."

  https://www.survivedivorce.com/common-reasons-for-divorce
  
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  joe134cd

  Just as a side point. It’s encouraging to see ,that despite our differing opinions, apostates still advising to keep a relationship together. You would think it would be the other way around, with people who hate the religion, encouraging quite the opposite.

  You could imagine how much more heart breaking and confusing this situation would be for someone, with limited knowledge and experience on this religion, finding that their partner is a POMI JW. In fact these individuals usually turn up here seeking answers.

  Anyway, a pat on the back to everyone here for their good advise and loving support.