To disasociate or not to disasociate? That is the question

by Brother Beyond 40 Replies latest members private

• 

  freedom96

  True, some need complete closure, however, for myself, I have chosen to "fade away." It makes it easier for everyone involved. Even if there are loved ones that will still talk to you, it makes it much easier for them if there is not a WTS label put on you.

  Second, why allow the organization to have power over you, to where you feel you must answer to them, and allow them to have a label on you? Why not simply be? Why should we have a label on our forehead that says df'd or da'd? Who are they to decide? If we are adult enough to make an adult decision to leave their cult, then we should not have to feel like we have to do anything.
• 

  zion sleeping

  To disassociate one's self make's it easy for them! cut and dry! do the fad... just say you need time, right now your heart is not in it.
• 

  Swan

  To disassociate one's self make's it easy for them! cut and dry!

  On the other hand, disassociating sends a strong message to the others in the congregation having doubts. Nothing shakes people up like an announcement that someone has left on their own. I know that those announcements always bothered me.

  Then there is always the gossip after the meeting where they ask each other "Why would he leave Jehovah's organization?" What they don't verbalize is the rest of the question, "Why would he leave Jehovah's organization if it is as wonderful as they claim? What's wrong here? What's going on?" It flusters them, confounds them, and makes them wonder.

  Another strong message is apostasy. The higher up you are in the Borg, the more effective this is. In my own locale the apostasy of a city overseer is still sending aftershocks throughout the JW community. In the early 1980's rumors of Ray Franz leading a group of Bethelites into apostasy, although not exactly true, really got me to thinking. It was one of the things that started me questioning.

  So what it boils down to is what is your goal concerning family and friends? Only you know this answer because we aren't in your situation. Consider all the points presented, but make your decision based on this important goal. If you want to send a strong message to your relatives and friends, disassociating is a way to do it. But fading gives you the opportunity to slowly introduce doubts and get past their cognitive dissonance (Randy Watters has a good booklet on that for sale over on the Freeminds site).

  Whatever your decision, good luck to you!

  Tammy
• 

  mizpah

  BB:

  There have been a lot of good comments to your question. Don't rush into a hasty decision though. You can always disassociate yourself at any time. Give serious consideration as to the cost of disassociation. There is a lot of pain and suffering that comes when family members reject and shun you. Believe me, my wife and I know this from first hand experience. Sometimes it is easy for individuals to give advice when they have not had this to face...or have never had close family relationships. But after twenty years we still have pain over the losses. On the other hand, we would never have changed our decision.

  Take your time and calculate the losses. Once you are disassociated or disfellowshipped your options will be few or none.
• 

  ESTEE

  If you have family that you don't want to lose because you disassociate ... that is the question ...

  I lost two kids by getting myself disfellowshipped. I am glad I'm out, on the one hand ... yet I wish my kids were not shunning me ...ouch!

  ESTEE
• 

  frenchbabyface

  
  I don't really want to answer the question, my probleme here is when I'm thinking about my familly the fact is that they are still not really concious about the victimes of the WTBS. I'm not only talking about every kind of psychological abuses, I'm talking about the worst : the fact that the kids are not protected, those who suicided, and those who die because of blood issue and politic in some countries.

  Even When I said to one of my sister about the fact that Anthony who Have died (bone cancer - 9 hours surgery / and more than a year of Chimo) if he didn't had blood plaquette after while, He would be dead for sure, just because of this organisation (WTBS) statement about the scriptures.

  I already knew since I was a kid that most of JW's are not really happy. They are just surviving while the organisation is keeping them under control that bring different kind of psycho issues - in knowing that this world is already bad enough.

  I thought that in knowing and verifying the facts, that they would realised that in staying there, they are giving this organisation the credit unable to put more people in trouble and also keep those who are affraid of repercutions (losing familly and friends) to not be able to reacting as quick as they should/could ortherwise. It is a vicious circle ... will it end ?

  It is not even about God, I was talking about the mess that the WTBS is bringing into peoples lifes even to death !

  The only answer my sister gave me, is that Anthony is not dead !!! (it is not about her own kids of course) I said not because of your prayers !!! But how many are dead and will die (psychologically and physically) because of them and they're followers ?

  Still I understand (the reasons why some people are not able to leave yet in knowing what it is all about) ... but somehow it doesn't help

  What I'm sure about is that if my son would have died 5 years ago ... I would surely have suicided myself In knowing what I knew 2 years ago the very day I realised for sure that I would have lost my unic son for THAT/The WTBS !!!
• 

  Scully

  Welcome, Brother Beyond.

  Quite a few people here have faced the same dilemma that you face, so you are in excellent company. This isn't a decision to take lightly, particularly since you have family members who are active JWs at this point in time.

  I highly recommend that you consider reading through the thread I've linked here, by expatbrit
  On the Art of Fading http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/34518/1.ashx

  Another thing to consider is that the act disassociation implies that you are still bound and governed by the rules of the WTS, and recognize their authority over you. To simply walk away or fade without complying to their rules gives you the upper hand. It says to them - and more importantly, to yourself - that you are your own person, that you do not recognize their claim of authority over you and that you are capable of making your own rules to govern your own life. Psychologically speaking, this can be a very strong way of self-empowerment.

  If you didn't have any family ties within the Organization, you'd probably find it extremely liberating to disassociate yourself. It can also be very empowering in this circumstance, particularly if you decide to write a kind of Manifesto of all their failings as to the reason why you are disassociating. If you go this route, set a stopwatch from the time you deliver your letter(s) to see how long it takes before you're labelled as an Apostate?.

  Ultimately, the decision is yours to make. You can be certain that there will be a point in time (usually elders' visits are encouraged to Inactive? people around this time of year) when the elders will ask you, point blank "Do you consider yourself to be one of Jehovah's Witnesses?" Prepare in advance for how you're going to answer, because if you say "No" they will consider it a "verbal disassociation", and if you say "Yes" and they think you are guilty of questionable conduct, you may find yourself Invited? to meet with a Judicial Committee.

  Love, Scully
• 

  Mulan

  Another thing to consider is that the act disassociation implies that you are still bound and governed by the rules of the WTS, and recognize their authority over you.

  This is exactly why we have not taken that step.

  the elders will ask you, point blank "Do you consider yourself to be one of Jehovah's Witnesses?"

  They asked us this when they visited us last. I turned it on them and asked "Do you consider us to be Jehovah's witnesses?" One of them said yes and the other said no. I went with the yes, and asked why it had taken them 6 years to call on us. They were shamed into silence. To reply to the "no" was "why do we have to do anything?"

  They did keep pressing us about writing a letter, and Dave said "let me think about it". And that was how it was left. It was about 8 months ago, and no word from them since. But, the CO is visiting in two weeks, so we suspect there will be another visit. We were hoping it would be while we were at Joy and Steve's, but it's right after we get home. Nuts.
• 

  Stacy Smith

  I was never baptised but my parents were and DAed themselves. But they have no family to lose, only friends.

  Whatever you do don't do it quickly. There is no rush, right? Go slow, think it over and what works best for you will eventually come to the surface.
• 

  IT Support

  Hi Brother Beyond,

  A very warm welcome, from another newbie looking for similar answers!

  I'm just beginning to realise what a valuable resource this forum is: Scully's reference to Expatbrit's "On the Art of Fading" is brilliant. (Thank you Scully, thank you expatbrit.)

  For myself, because I've got a large family still in the organisation, I'd already decided not to disassociate myself but to fade. It is the only way not to be cut off from them.

  As an aside, I was just wondering what sort of proportion of JWs are in a similar position to us? And how this 'dead weight' of unwilling and non-productive publishers must both ravage the statistics the GB love so much, and dampen the enthusiasm of zealous JWs. So, in retrospect, it appears that this policy of not allowing folks to just leave without penalty must ultimately be counter-productive to the organisation...

  Ken