Can we forgive our parents??????????

LyinEyes

Guess this kind of goes with the other thread I started about looking at the inner child that is still hurtingk by posting a pic of us when we where kids.

I found this pic of my parents, my Mom was just 15,,,,,my dad barely 18, shortly after , they married soon and I was born when my my was just 16.

Just looking at their faces in this moment in time, in this picture, I can see , that they were just kids too, that they were not ready to face the hardships of starting a family so soon. I am not making excuses for the things they both did,,,,,,,,,,, they both did many things to hurt me. In a way I feel sorry for them. I can't explain it,,,,,,,,,,,but they were kids when I was born. My dad and mom had so much on their shoulders as all very young parents do.

I can look at the innocence on their faces and see my own son, not much older than my own dad in this picture and pray to God above , that he doesnt father a child before he is sure he is ready to do all that he can. Maybe my Dad did, maybe my Mom did. I just am at a point , I have to forgive, I have to move on. I just want to understand them. I am just trying to realize that somethings happen and you have no control over the outcome,,,,,,,,,,,,, maybe you do well by the things you do, even if you don't plan it, or maybe you really screw up. I just hope that, as a parent my kids give me the benefit of the doubt that I tried to be the best that I could be. I know scriptures are not what many want to hear now, but ............how you judge is how you will be judged. I kind of think that , that may be true,,,,,,,,,maybe in the fact that at least in yourself you live with the fact that you know you have made mistakes and that at least being a self righteous judgemental type person is not one of your faults. Even when honesty is the hardest thing to admit to a child , almost a grown child , that has to be the best way to go. What do you think?????

Been there

Lyin,

I know what you mean. It is a time of growing up I think when you look at a picture of your parents and see them as real people. The day I saw my Granny as a dark haired young women with 5 young kids (3 more to come) she became a human to me. All was forgiven. I also watched my kids grow up and and saw where my parents (they didn't raise me) were at that age and could see where their heads were at the time. I could forgive the 22 year old man in a bad situation that saw no way out but to run away. All of a sudden you do see they all did the best they could at the time with what they had to work with. Right or wrong they tried to survive not even thinking about what future pain they would cause. They also were growing up.

I have great remorse for the way I raised my step son, I have told him so many times, but given what I had at the time I am afraid I would do it the same way again, I could not cope. I could do better now but now is too late.........all I can do is see my error and appoligize. He forgives me, I don't forgive myself.

It seems you are doing alot of healing Dede, someday you will be able to move on..........this is a good thing.

Goshawk

((( Dede )))

I also arrived very early in my parents lives. When I was born my mother and father were 16 & 21 respectively. They made their mistakes and hurt me and my siblings as well but, I don't think I can honestly say that they didn't give it their best effort. There were times growing up I watched them do without so that we kids could have needed items. The stuff we had was not always the what we wanted but it was what we needed. To compound those troubles with the cultish teachings is a stress that I am glad I do not have to endure today as my partents did.

Forgiving them is very possible, but forgetting the harm is not. To remember what was done is to prevent the pattern from repeating itself and being passed on to the next generation.

Hang in there,

Goshawk

searcher

Forgiving them is very possible, but forgetting the harm is not. To remember what was done is to prevent the pattern from repeating itself and being passed on to the next generation.

That says it all.

Dansk

Good thread, Dede, with much soul-searching to do.

I'm 50 in December (but very young at heart! ) and I've carried a scar from childhood that I always hoped would go away. As someone once said to me, a scar may fade with time but it is still a scar.

Without elaborating, I was fostered twice, been in a children's home and been beaten till I was sixteen - yet I still wish I could throw my arms round my dad. He died in 1978, four months after my mother and a week after my wedding. Perhaps that's why I became a JW, to find real love and friendship from people outside of my marriage, which is great. Claire is my rock and has been for the 26 years we've known each other (silver wedding coming up in December!).

The point is, we have to forgive so that we can move on. If we don't forgive and let go our past still has control over us. It's like the Borg. To really be able to move on we have to forgive (but not forget) so that we can get out of its control and move on with our lives.

I know you have a lovely family now, Dede, and you have true friends here. I've made errors in my life - huge errors - because of the mental pain I suffered growing up and which I carried around with me for years. I feel it's really leaving me now. I've noticed many people here seem to find solace and freedom by becoming Born Again Christians or following a different spiritual path. For me, I returned to my love of the 70s, Buddhism. I actually feel truly at peace now and I've repurchased most of the books I discarded when I foolishly became a Dub (I was advised to get rid of all my Buddhist, yoga and martial arts books as they were Satanic). Now, I'm back in Buddhism, back doing martial arts and back doing yoga - and I feel wonderful!

Yes, Dede, we CAN forgive our parents. As you rightly deduced, we have to try and realise the pressures they could have been under but which, as children, we didn't understand. All we could do at the time is wonder, at least in my case, why my father was cruel. What had I done to deserve such wrath?

Goodness, you've made me pour out my inner soul. I haven't done that for a while! Now I have to ask myself will my daughters ever understand why we left the Borg? There were times I could have fathered them better, also, but it wasn't for the want of trying. I think, if we're all honest, there are things we'd all like to change - be it our upbringing or the way we treated our own kids. I utterly regret some of the things I have said or done to my own children - but parenting is never easy. Some people take to it like ducks to water, others have to work hard at it - and still others never get it right. Perhaps our parents did the best they could under difficult circumstances, we may never know. But one thing's for sure, in our case we have to be better than our parents and so being forgiving puts us way ahead.

I used to say anything good in me came from my mother and anything bad, my father. Now, I try not to compare at all. I'd give anything to be able to hug them right now and for them to be able to see their four grandchildren that Claire and I produced in love. That's one of the saddest things. They both died never seeing any of my children.

So, to reiterate, to be able to completely move on we HAVE to forgive.

Love,

Dansk

fairy

i forgave my parents a long time ago....they looked after us the best they could....i was number 9 in a family of 12 and yes, i did feel left out sometimes and i felt one of my other sisters was her favourite and that use to annoy me but not now. My mother was the best. She took the 12 kids to the meetings and i remember we all use to walk to the hall. none of us are what i call terrors and my dad worked hard to provide for all of us....God bless them both.

RAYZORBLADE

I don't feel like I need to.

My father, died in November 2001. He was a prick: forgive him? hell no!

My mother, is alive, but I can't figure out what the hell is going on with her. She's more and more 'out there' and bizarre.

Do I love her, or feel a need to forgive her for past doings? No.

It is just not how I feel. I don't hate her, nor do I feel badly that she did what she did, but I don't feel particularly enamoured by her, thus no need to feel much for her.

Not worth getting into details here.

As far as my father is concerned: glad the bucket has been knocked over, and he's a goner.

Some people 'take up too much space'.

Dansk

Yikes, Ray, there's a lot of painful memories in there. I could be bitter against my own father - and believe me, I have good cause - but Ray, we're better people. I don't know what you went through but whatever happened I think it's best not to speak that way. You're a man with wonderful qualities, Ray, and we all love you for them.

Good karma, buddy!

Dansk

teenyuck

Ray, you and I need to talk.....

I feel the same way...my father is now dead. Can't/don't want to forgive him.

Mother still alive. You said what I was going to.....

This is weird.....

Stacy Smith

I've said it before but I'm one of the lucky ones. My parents left the borg when they saw me getting gossiped about. There were many reasons to leave but when I was ready to leave so were they.

I love to look at their old photo albums. Dad took a lot of photos of mom back "in the day". Their wedding photo was taken at Virginia City NV and they were dressesd up as pioneers. Not that kind, the kind that mined for silver 150 years ago.

Lots of you have been put through the mill. I'm sorry for that.

Can we forgive our parents??????????

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