Can we forgive our parents??????????

by LyinEyes 57 Replies latest forum announcements

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  LyinEyes

  Waiting and LadyLee,,,,,,,, I really dont just take the word of what doctors have said when I went in so depressed that all I had on were my PJ's. They asked questions and by my reaction, they said maybe something happened, the things I said fit the profile so many abuse victims. Of course I denied it to them because I didnt want to talk about it.

  The thing is there are things that happened ... that I know for a fact happened , without being graffic , it was not sexual in a physical sense. My dad I will say put me in the place of taking care of things, because my mom didnt. A child shouldnt be put in that postition, and I know that was wrong . I still feel that gross feeling when I think about it.

  So just letting you know that I dont believe everything some one might tell me.......but you know when you get a feeling in your gut , something rings a bell, and memories start coming back .

  I do fear that one day it will all come back at once, but I think I am controlling that maybe in a subconscious way, just taking a little at a time.
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  Big Tex

  I am just going thru life, but yet the things you tell me you went thru in therapy, I guess in away I am doing a little bit of it on myself , if that makes sense. I am not ready for therapy, dont want it

  You're doing fine. There is no requirement that you must go into therapy to live a happy life. It worked (despite me) for me, but that doesn't mean it would for everyone. And besides, if you're not ready then absolutely don't do it. It would bring up issues and emotions that you aren't ready for, and that's not productive. I see you exploring your past right now, and I fully support you in doing that. Go at your own speed in your own way. Remember you're in charge, you call the shots and no one else does.

  waiting, LL give Antwon Fisher thumbs up. I think I'm going to check this movie out.
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  nowisee

  it was only after my father was dead and i was being consumed with rage that ate into many of my current relationships that i went into therapy at my husband's urging (he had undergone years of therapy for his own traumas).

  i found that it was only by remembering in detail, and reliving much of the hurt and agony that i had been through, and being able to express my anger, that i was finally able, at least in some measure to put it to rest. accomplished with resistence, difficulty, pain and so many tears. good grief you should (not) have seen me on my therapy days. i was a wreck.

  and slowly but surely i realized that the rage was more like ambivalence -- there actually were some good things along with the bad. thankfully, now, i am able to remember the good things far more vividly and surpassingly, and actually with some gratitude.

  the issue i wrestle with now is the commandment to honor your father and mother, when just telling the truth seems to dishonor them.
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  Lady Lee

  nowisee

  the issue i wrestle with now is the commandment to honor your father and mother, when just telling the truth seems to dishonor them

  Interesting point. That used to bother me too. I think I finally came to the conclusion that the parents were supposed to be following the commands to love their children. Then they would be honorable and worthy of honor.

  My parents were not honorable in their duty to care for and love us.

  And well while I avoid my mother I certainly don't treat her the way she treated me. In fact even when I have seen her I have never ever treated her the way she treated her kids.

  Hmmmmmmmmmmmm
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  Nosferatu

  Something I felt I needed to add....

  I would always hear of my friends and relatives talk about how they love their parents. When I was a child and we were making things in art class, all the kids around me were making things for their parents. I couldn't do it. Everything I made was for the cat. I loved the cat more than my parents.

  After I moved out of my parents' house, I began to see them for who they really were. The are evil people. They are people I would rather have no association with, but I can't deny that they ARE my parents.

  Not so long ago, I started questioning myself as to why I didn't love my parents. I have now accepted that I have every right NOT to feel love for them. It's sad when I think about it, but it was never my own actions that caused me to feel this way.
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  LyinEyes

  ((((((((((Nosferatu))))))))))) I can understand what you are saying, that is sad, every little child should feel love, and to be loved and held precious. Too many are not.

  When I felt alone , even with my parents right in the house,,,,,,,,,,I sometimes went out to the barn and talked to my horse or my cat too. They always had that unconditonal love it seemed. I guess that is why today ,even with a house full of people , especially kids, most of them that are here are not even my own,,,,,,, I still have cats and dogs.

  Just wanted to send you some extra hugs and thoughts today..........,,,,,,,,Dede
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  waiting

  Hey Eyes,

  I think you've hit on an important point - pets. Even for *normal* children, they're great. As one article brought out "A child's pet will hear things about the child that the parent will never know." Having something that you can confide it, love, play with, cry with, just have.

  I've always had animals around - still do. Some people, abused or not, have been known to love their pets more than any person they ever met. Not a bad choice sometimes.

  And private places. You had your barn - I had my field. A place to hid, play, be safe, secret.

  It's important as an adult too. A private place - garden, hobby, in your mind.....just safe & private, where you have control.

  Take care,

  waiting
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  LyinEyes

  Very true Waiting,,,,,,,,,,,My mom and I loved our barn. We had some bad news one day about the "CandyMan" the older brother in the hall, when I was real little, who would give us a piece of candy after the meeting if we were good.

  My mom told me when I got home from school that he had shot himself, after a hunting accident left him unable to walk, he was such an active older man and got so depressed. I remember the elders saying he had demons. He probably went to them telling them things, maybe medication problems or depression and they probably told him Satan was trying to get at him. I resented them for what I will never know what was said to that poor man. My dad was an elder and said a little is how I know that.

  Well, my point was, it hit me and my mom very hard. I decided there was only one place to go,,,,,,,,,the big barn......... we had tons of hay that you could get lost in up in the loft. When I got there, I heard sobbing, and it was my Mom. I guess that was her place too and I never knew it until that day. She told me to come and sit with her it was ok, she didnt want to be alone anyway. I prefered to be alone, but I stayed with her and we talked , cried and even laughed remember some of the things Bro. C did.

  So , anytime my mother saw me heading to the barn or I saw her heading to the barn , we knew what it meant,,, alone time and thinking time.

  I would sometimes lay in the hay, listening to the birds, or the horses below, my little dog would always be by my side, just a little poodle but she thought she was a big dog. I would go down and get a brush and brush my horse and it really helped.

  To this day if I see a horse, or smell the smells of a barn,,,,,,,,,,, I have such a stirring in my heart for those times.

  I hope one day to have a barn again, and I can promise , that is where I will be most of the time. THe only difference is , I will probably be reflecting, good things about my family, my kids and I will be thinking how lucky I am.

  For now my hubby and I drive out to the bayou, or the lake when we need to have so solitude. In the wee hours of the mornings I sit on a swing in the front yard,,,,,,,,and all three of my kittens , come to sit on my lap , and my little pug is with me too.
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  Valis

  I hope one day to have a barn again

  would that make you a "barn again" mudbug?

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer
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  LyinEyes

  Valis, that made me smile, something I needed at this very moment..........LOL..........hugsssssssss, one of your favorite Mudbugs.....Dede