i was pretty much raised in the "truth" and at first i didnt get what was going on but by the time i did understand it a little my whole imediate family was in. so what can ya do i had to go and do what they wanted, when i wanted to go to partys or anything i just wished that i could casue i knew parents would just spout out bad association and say NO. so i was a model brainwashed dub on the outside but on the inside i had my own thoughts. but still yet i belived that it was just cause i was weak or something. not that it was wrong, i just thought that i didnt measure up to jahs standards. always felt that way. didnt like service at first but went every freaking week unless i could find a way out of it... which i didnt dare to except for maybe once a month and occasionally twice. but still i never doubted just tried to get outta something i hated. then when i got to really wanting friends to do social stuff with i found that service was my only outlet to get people to do stuff with so i got to enjoying it...... well the breaks and visiting, not the knocking on doors and disturbing people. even when i pioneered i hated disturbing people, but with that superior jw attitude lol i still knocked and when others would chicken out at a door id "rely on jah" and take theres 2. i did all i could possibly do and tried my best...... but ya know...... i never measured up. occasionally i would think............ why hasnt armageddon happened yet.......... and what if it dosent. then id think...... am i wasteing my time doing all i can? then id think........ but doing what they say i should keeps me outta being into drugs or having aids...... so it isnt all bad......... isnt it lol. of course five minutes later i would put it all out of my mind and let my superior attitude of.............. of course its gonna happen and id vow to not ever question it again........ then a while later i would think on it again.... but this was in my later teens and early twentys. it was still almost ten years later before i was forced to realize that it was all a bunch of brainwashing BS. i wish that i had never gotten bapt but when i was like 16 a brother was all asking me......... when are you gonna.... not if so a couple y ears later with being asked that repeatedly i just gave in cause it was the thing to do. but for most of my life i did 100% beleive and still i find myself takeing the jw brainwashed stand on things and have to look at it and reevaluate it to see if its really what i wanna belive. hard to stop autoresponses.
