Rules for Men.....

by termite 35 32 Replies latest social humour

  • termite 35
    termite 35

    Well; I did'nt know ' being a man' was so complicated...It seems you do have think quite a lot before opening those mouths of yours......

    It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
    a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    c. After wrecking your boss' car.
    d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
    e. When she is using her teeth.

    Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
    eaten by his mates.

    Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
    of jail within 12 hours.

    If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
    limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

    Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
    Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
    man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

    On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
    ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
    to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
    flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

    It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
    sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
    supermodel...and it's free.

    Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
    kick another bloke in the nuts.

    Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

    Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
    until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
    as much as the other sports watchers.

    A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
    sober enough to fight.

    Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
    but not both - that's just mean.

    If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
    about his choice of beer.

    Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
    except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

    Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

    Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
    Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
    an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
    you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang
    up if necessary.

    The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
    carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
    guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about
    what a big mistake it was.

    It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
    her to drive yours.

    Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
    orange or sky blue.

    The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
    with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2.
    End of story.

  • obiwan

    Rules for Men....

    Thou shall get laid forgot the most important one!

  • Euphemism

    ROFL termite 35! The scary part is that a lot of those are true...

  • Vivamus



    And the world shall tremble in the wake of the Blue Bubblegum
    Dutch District Overbeer

  • Simon

    I live by them ... threw away the 10 commandments years ago.

    They beat the Women's Rules for Men:

    Rules For Men

    1. The Female always makes The Rules.

    2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

    3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

    4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

    5. The Female is never wrong.

    6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.

    7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

    8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

    9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

    10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

    11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

    12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
  • obiwan

    13. The Female is prone to violent mood swings at certain times of the month, and thus is justified.

  • termite 35
    termite 35

    Obiwan; that's not a rule - you just wish it was ...

    ((( Euph ( it dos'nt shorten, does it ?!) Viv)))

    Simon, those women rules arn't far off actually... we do like to watch for the panic that momentarily crosses your scared, confused faces as you try to gauge the appropriate response...

  • Brummie

    BWAHAHAAHAHA, those are great thx


  • Aztec

    " Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
    until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
    as much as the other sports watchers."

    Good think I pass on that one...LOL! *Scratches head and wonders why all of her friends are male*

    Very funny Termite!


  • Simon
    we do like to watch for the panic that momentarily crosses your scared, confused faces as you try to gauge the appropriate response...

    Yes, the dreaded "does this make me look fat" question and others of that ilk ... "Does my bum look big in this?"

    Saying "Yes" does end the conversation quickly I've found (and sometimes all conversation for days) but it can end up in casualty.

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