Sister may have had a slight heart attack, do I text her?

by Xanthippe 63 Replies latest jw friends

  • Xanthippe

    So my cousin phoned and told me my JW sister was taken to hospital with chest pains and it may have been a slight heart attack or possibly she's starting with angina. Now as some of you know my sisters and brother have had little to do with me for 29 years. We've met at funerals, or arranged them, but I just thought today what if she did die?

    Of course I've thought this before. My decision to stop contact my family is because of their abusive manipulation. They can seem fine at funerals and make a fuss of my daughter, kissing her as if they saw her the previous week when in fact they've barely had anything to do with her in 22 years, even when her dad died and she was just a child.

    Then after a funeral it all goes back to me trying to phone them and they either end the call or are monosyllabic, letting me know in no uncertain terms l am persona non grata and they shouldn't really be speaking to me. As you can imagine I got fed up with that and felt that I shouldn't reward their bad behaviour by continuing to contact them only to be treated like a leper again.

    My question is would you just send a text? I was thinking of saying my cousin phoned and told me etc etc. I thought I might say I thought a text would be better then her husband can't overhear a phone call and better than a visit that might be seen by all these people that might be stumbled.

    She pretends her husband is really strict but he's not! She wouldn't meet up with me for a coffee after both our parents' funerals because she said someone in her congregation might be stumbled!

    I don't know, I'm always trying to second guess them instead of trying to be human and 'normal'. Probably because all my attempts to be human and normal have failed over and over again.

    Anyway any thoughts please would be helpful.

  • truthseeker

    Send a brief text letting her know you've heard the news and wish her a speedy recovery.

    Who knows down the road if that one text makes a difference to her life and indeed yours?


  • LisaRose

    I think text is a good idea, it gives you a chance to just show your concern without any expectations of a reply.

  • Ding

    How would you react if you get no response?

    How would you react if you get more verbal abuse?

    I would say that if you could handle that okay, then send the text.

  • hybridous

    Hmm, very tough spot. I could make a case either way...

    If you still feel bound by the 'do-unto-others' moral code, then maybe you make contact. Not because of any hope of reciprocity, but just because you have identified it as the right course of action - not needing a bunch of JWs to validate that course of action for you.

    On the other hand, if your relatives have spend many years providing you with empirical evidence that they do not want contact with you, then it might make sense to acknowledge that very plain evidence.

    Of course, an acknowledgement of your sisters dire health problems is not necessarily a restoration of your relationship, so you need not treat it as such if you decide to text.

    I struggle with this stuff a lot, so I am interested in what others have to offer regarding this.

  • millie210

    My situation with my sibs is very similar to yours.

    I have finally reached the point with them you described above. I am not rewarding the behavior anymore. The behavoir where they act like I am sub human and make me cringe when I even think about being together.

    Yes, that behavoir. Our last "time together" was a family event but inside myself it was a "goodbye to this crap" event.

    That wont be happening anymore.

    All that said, your current question about what to do with your sister gives me a moment to think because I am sure the same thing will come up for me eventually.

    I think I will do whatever I would do if I wanted no regrets.

    If your sister were to die and you regretted not sending the text message - then you should send it.

    I can certainly say I understand your hesitation at knowing exactly what you want to do.

    Isnt it sad to be placed in a quandary over a man made religion?

    I hope it comforts you that so many of us here understand exactly what you are going back and forth in your mind about. xxxooo

  • DesirousOfChange

    On the other hand, if your relatives have spend many years providing you with empirical evidence that they do not want contact with you, . . .

    I agree with sending a brief text. If you feel like the above statement, then you could begin the text with something like: "I know you don't really want to converse with me, as it might stumble someone in the Cong and you believe that you think is more important than our relationship, but. . . . "

    It's really hard for me to be nice to someone that has treated me/us like sh!t. Although I really do love getting a snarky sharp "dig" in when it can be said with a big smile.

  • neat blue dog
    neat blue dog

    Just always try to do the right thing. Don't get sidetracked, make a dig or bring religion into it. Just demonstrate how a normal person would act. That will be good for whoever reads it as they don't see it that often with the folks they spend time with. Kill em with kindness.

  • Xanthippe

    Thank you everyone I really appreciate your taking the time to reply.

    Truthseeker, exactly, I do think about what happens down the line. Perhaps if they wake up and if I've made it clear the door to me and my daughter is completely shut.

    LisaRose, I would like to send a brief text yes, that feels like a normal response to this news.

    Ding, yes I have been thinking about that, if I get no response. Can I handle it. That is the crux of the matter I think.

    Hybridous, yes I'm not struggling with what's right or wrong in other people's eyes but what will cause me the least harm. I like what you said, an acknowledgment of my sister's health problems is not an attempt to repair our relationship. Yes I'm sure there is a way to make that clear in a text so I won't feel bad if she doesn't reply.

    Millie it does comfort me enormously to know you guys on here are going through similar things, thank you. Doing what will ensure I have no regrets. I like that very much. I am going to give that some thought.

  • tiki

    Absolutely..text to say you heard the news and hope shes feeling better and that you are thinking of her and care. I think it is important to take the high road in these situations and not let their rude behaviors stop you from showing compassion.

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