Difficulty fading out

by Emily1987 40 Replies latest jw friends

  • stuckinarut2


    Lovely to have you guys here!

    In addition to all of the great advice already offered, may I simply share a couple of things?

    Learn to maintain your Dignity, Poise and Grace throughout these "proceedings". Be calm and in control.

    If approached or contacted by anyone, especially Elders,be polite, but DO NOT GET DRAWN INTO A CONVERSATION. Simply say "Thanks____, But I trust you will respect appropriate boundaries" and wish them a good day.

    The best principle is "LESS IS MORE" (The less said, the more power you hold)

    Also, a great thing to keep in mind is: "The ONLY power people have over you is that which you allow"

    Much love!

  • konceptual99

    Hey wannabefree - I think you are the exception that proves the rule 😆😆😆

  • SouthCentral

    Hang in there and be strong!! Life is too short to be miserable!!

    This is an excellent support group. We transferred our Publisher card to a kingdom hall about 15 miles away from my home. We disappeared perfectly!

  • WhatshallIcallmyself

    Any contact from the local Jws from now on isn't going to be for your 'spiritual' welfare but to sow fear into those remaining in the congregation that you have left.

    Other posters have mentioned F.O.G. on here and the elders will try their hardest to ensure you are made an example of, if you let them, to ensure a fear of isolation is put into those who may also feel they can fade away; to remind them that they are obliged to tell on their brothers and sisters if they see anything untoward happening; and to remind them that continuing to be your friend would make god cry...

    If you want to be party to their F.O.G tactics then meet with them. If you want no further part in their cult then tell them to F.O.!

  • MrRoboto

    It's sh!t like this that leaves me seriously considering D/Aing myself and just letting the chips fall where they may - Ill have a few upset people and potentially serious family problems but at some point the control of the Seven Kings on Kings Drive must end!

  • ttdtt

    Emily, just do all you can to avoid any of them, and if you do have contact be very nice, but give no information out at all.

    Remember, they are part of a cult and will turn you in.

    Freddo is 100% right.

    When you deny everything, you are using the 2 witness rule against them.

    Use any excuse, depression, stress, whatever to get out of any conversation.

    By the way - I was in the exact position you were in, though I was a "prominent elder" (whatever that means:)

  • Outahere

    Emily1987, this may or may not be useful to you...but when I faded, I moved. It was a fast fade. In under 12 months I went from being a Ministerial Servant to being off the map entirely. But I moved to a different area, and broke off. No hassles from elders and the like. I was out of their area, and didn't return calls. Good luck to you in your fade.

  • Drearyweather
    I feel like I am still controlled by the religion even though I no longer practice it!

    Technically speaking, for your local congregation, your are still a JW since you have not DA'ed or Disfellowshipped. All Jw's are aware of the fact the as soon as someone starts fading, elders will call on them. The elders will keep calling on you till the time you are there on their cards. I can feel your frustration, however, the sad part of all of this is - all of their control on us was voluntarily agreed by us during our baptism (no matter how young we were at that time)

    Celebrating Christmas- we agreed not to do it while answering our baptism questions.

    Authority of elders- we agreed that elders would be our overseers and that the we would walk as per the spirit directed organization of Jehovah.

    A resounding YES before thousands that we are submitting ourselves to WT's control.

    Its like this - If a person joins the ISIS or enters North Korea and decides to defy their rules and leave the country, there are bound to be some kind of repercussions.

  • pbrow

    dreary... i fully agree. It is something we do not want to believe until we start to take control and responsibility for our actions.

    Fading is conforming to the jdub lifestyle whether you want to admit it or not. Living on your knees is horrible. Coming to the realization that you were living on your knees voluntarily is a bitter pill to swallow.

    I went through a short fade period but realized that if I wanted my children fully out of this church I could not fade. Any relationship I lost is nothing compared to the moral high ground I gained with my children when I teach them to speak their mind and to stand up for themselves. No shrinking to the next isle when I see dubs in the store, crossing the street when I see them approaching or hiding a christmas tree in my own effing house!!


  • mentalclarity

    Welcome! There is some great stuff here for you to consider.

    Personally and from what I know of other ex JWS it is very difficult to fade while still living in your same area/territory. Elders will be relentless and push you into a corner. You always have to be looking over your shoulder in case "friends" see you doing something non-jw.

    I made the decision to move and I never regretted it. Some family talks to me/others don't. But I live my life exactly the way I want to and give no explanations/lies to anyone.

    The issue about defining your current JW status is because you're in an area where people identify you as a JW - this is going to come to bite you in the ass. Especially since you are a family with kids...what's going to happen when your little one celebrates holidays at school and some JW's kid is there too? That info is going straight to the elders and you'll get a visit. It's incredibly rare that you get left alone. Not trying to discourage you, but blatantly doing non-jw stuff in your area (in the elder's eyes) is forcing them to take action against you. One thing I've come to understand about JW behavior...they are just following their rules. You can have the most heartfelt person who is blindly following this religion and they won't think twice about ratting you out and possibly changing your life and your relationships with your family/friends forever. In fact, they'll think they are doing you and their congregation a favor. This is the moment you are really going to see what this religion is all about. Right. Now.

    We who have decided to fade all weighed our options and decided what's best for us with a "plan". Strategy is key.

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