Difficulty fading out
The brutality of having been in a cult and then wanting to leave it ,
is that if you intend to contInue on the road of 'leaving the truth' then in years to come all the friends 'in the truth' that you now have will no longer be your friends in the future.
So you may as well stop wasting any more time worrying about them and start living a new life.
I urge you to do exactly as freddo says.
A former JW and ex elder posting on Youtube said if you let them into the house their eyes will be darting everywhere. Do not give them ammunition.
I left last May and this week I've had two elders visits. It's really hard because they come across as so nice but I'm sick of them calling on me. They won't leave me alone.
You are going to have to be very careful if you want to fade and keep in contact with your family.
All good advice Emily. Welcome.
Tallon and Phoebe are spot on.
The elders will smile to your face but will have two things behind their backs. One will be their own arm in an arm-lock from the Branch who will tell them what to do when they ask how to deal with you. The other will be their own knife.
"The Fall Guy" says he has PM'd you. I have learned to trust his advice. He knows how to place every scintilla and cross every "T" when it comes to dealing with elders and fading.
Also the current round of CO outlines is heavy on "loyalty" including being loyal by telling on friends an family to the elders ...
You have been warned ...
Hi Emily, welcome to this forum of freedom...this is the place where you can read about so many faders and how they've experienced their journey and the challenges involved. I'm a succesfull fader myself and the ARC of 2015 was the final blow for me and my family including kids. So late 2015, my fade went fast (first stopped attending meetings, then reduced field service to 0 in a few months) but as a resigned elder I knew the traps of the Borg and the personality and mindset of my former fellow-elders and all those over-zealous JW's that would love to be eyes and ears for the WT police. Therefore I chose NOT to celebrate X-mas so close after we started fading. A stricktly personal decision, but I never regret that one. We were too busy with overcoming our cognitive dissonance anyway and one elder was still visiting our house every few months in order to check our spiritual well-being (which was absolutely fine by the way since we had identified a false prophet ). Now we're out for two years, no more elder visits, congregation seems to accept our position and we can actually do whatever we want (birthdays, X-mas, New Year etc.) We still have to be cautious regarding who we talk to and I still avoid to have JW friends on Facebook but the benefits are that I still have access to JW's with open minds and can freely talk about what's going on in WT's rabbit hole. Thank god we had no other family in the Borg, otherwise things might have been much more complex or even impossible without collateral damage, I realize that.
Again, good luck with your journey to freedom, just type in "fade" in the forum's search-box and it might be a portal to exactly that "accurate knowledge" that you'll need in your current situation. This forum has all the up-to-date info, here you can ask questions, advice, find comfort, vent your frustrations and even have some really good laughs. It certainly has become my daily manna so, I hope you'll stay and keep us informed if possible!
Emily, there will--hopefully--come a time for you when you know longer call the watchtower cult " the truth". it isnt--in fact a lot of the teachings are lies.
I had thought my fade was practically complete after a ramp down in attendance and activity similar to yours but I still got a call before the memorial which was indicative that they have not given up on me quite yet.
For those who still live in their former territory and wish to compare notes with faders from different congregations, I think this March/April call serves as a reasonable method of estimating your status.
So you and your husband are both awake. You are looking to get your kids more involved in the real life. You have lived your entire life for other people and now you are fading.
There is no reason to fade if both of you are awake. If you are fading so that you can continue to be in family/friends good graces then you are not tired of living your life for other people because that is exactly what fading does. It forces you to continue living like they want you to live.
Your awake, your husband is awake. Here is a great lesson for your kids.... We get to control who is and who is not in our lives. People who would choose to shun us because we do not believe the exact same thing about everything are not people we choose to have in our lives.
The loss of your best best friend, your mother or other close family member is worth the cost of teaching your children that lesson alone.
Its awesome that you are choosing to explore other beliefs. When you put up a christmas tree and hide it in the back room though, you are teaching your children to be ashamed of what you believe in. Fuck that!
If you want to fade, you have to keep playing their game. We chose to disassociate, game over. It's a matter of choosing the consequences you can live with. We could live with shunning more than having people watch our every move and hiding our lives. We wanted to be authentic and free. It came with a price though and isn't a decision to take lightly. There's no easy way to leave a cult. That's part of what makes it a cult.
Former Elder here. Go back and read Freddo's advice again. He is spot on!
If you truly want to continue to FADE and not be DFd, get rid of the Christmas Tree (or at least do not let ANYONE see it). If your kids are old enough to innocently tell other you that the tree, even that puts you at risk.
Finally, DENY DENY DENY! If the Elders stop by or call, DO NOT LET THEM INTO YOUR HOME. Simply avoid talking to them. Use your caller ID and do not answer. Tell them you have no time to visit. Tell them you are stumbled and working things out on your own, but YOU will call THEM when you need their help.
The greatest revenge is living a happy & successful life!
. Not only am I distraught that someone I used to consider as my best friend could do this, I am confused as to why!!
It's a cult, people have been conditioned to believe that obedience to the whims of seven men is more important than anything, including friendship or family or even their own natural sense of right and wrong.
Fading can be done, but it's not easy and it's pretty hard to hide the fact that you are celebrating Christmas. You can try and stall the elders by simply refusing to meet with them, but it it's going to be hard. It's one thing to quietly do your own thing, it's another to simply stand up to them and refuse to answer intrusive questions or play their game, so carefully consider what you are prepared to do. Disassociating and fading each have their benefits and drawbacks, only you can decide what is best In your particular situation.
In any case, welcome to the forum and