Closer/death/Funerals (page 2)

Wasanelder Once

It is amazing how we love those who gave birth to us, changed our diapers and sang songs to us as babies despite the way they turned on us later. Its in our DNA to love them I think. That's why the rejection from them hurts. I think perhaps you are trying to put your own feelings in order, reconciling how someone you love inherently could reject you so cruelly. If that is the case, stop, get a mirror and look at yourself. See the person that you are and how your children love you. I think your father proves the scripture where it says they "Have no natural affection". If you can come to terms with the fact you are lovable and worthy I would not give him the chance to look away from you on his death bed. A brief note saying you forgive him and wish him a painless death should suffice. You wouldn't expect him to ruin his track record of loyalty to the Governing Body by seeing you. Goodbye dad.

Daniel1555

Dear Leela

Your story is very moving and honestly I have tears in my eyes as I write now.

I am so happy that you survived this ordeal and that you are a wonderful mother to your 4 children.

You are a very loving and courageous person. I think it is so good that you forgave your dad. So no matter how he or your family reacts, I think it is important that you let them know.

I am myself your age (36) and I am df because of conscience reasons.

I am lucky because I had a very nice childhood as JW with loving parents. Even though I am df they treat me the same as before and we are very close.

I wish you and your family all the best and looking forward to read more of your posts.

Love

Daniel

Incognito

I agree with steve2's comments with regard to you already having said 'Goodbye'.

Apparently, your father hasn't asked to see you before he departs and others in your past family haven't seen any reason to inform you otherwise, I expect they would have informed you directly.

It appears none have had any relationship with you and probably have never met your partner or children.

I also agree with Wasanelder Once comments about writing a note, but only if that would be beneficial for you. Even if it is not actually sent, sometimes writing down your thoughts and feelings can be therapeutic. I think seeing your father in person could stir-up emotions that were long ago put in storage.

While expressing forgiveness sounds as a great thing, if he doesn't feel bad for how things turned-out, he may not be accepting of forgiveness, especially if he thinks he hasn't done anything wrong. You could be left again reliving the emotions you had experienced 20 years ago.

I believe the desire to forgive is more of wanting to 'let go' and no longer hold things against him, having come to accept that nothing will change.

Feelings held in storage are a heavy emotional load and serve little benefit so letting go and acceptance lightens the load on you and provides a type of fresh start and outlook. That is a personal realization within yourself and does not require expressing that decision to him.

Ultimately, think about what is best for you and your immediate family.

Giordano

I can never figure out why a situation like this, and illness and/or a pending death is not considered 'family business'.

Why would your children not have an opportunity to get to know their grandparents preferably their grand mother?

That is true family business.

When you took the pills did anyone understand that being shunned and abandoned by your family led you to this? Your fathers reaction was anger not concern, didn't care nor show love. He was angry because you might have cost him his Elder's position. We've all seen or heard stories like that.

Thank god you got therapy and another family to live with to become ......you.

The question I would ask myself is....... will it do more harm then good to visit him to tell him what you experienced.

At the same time you need to look at a future when this autocratic man will no longer be the family head. Will the dynamics change? They might. I would work to that end. Maybe call your mother and remind her that she was the one that came to the hospital to visit you and helped to get the therapy that saved your life. Since she was there for you long ago you wanted to be there for her at this time.You want to be there for her sake but you don't want to cause harm.

If she says don't come then at least she knows that you cared enough to get in touch. Mention your children and the fact that they have not gotten to know their grandmother and you hope that will change. Plant a seed.

Sabin

Hello Leela, my opinion is that you have changed because you chose to, your father has stayed the same because he chose to. No matter what you do now my guess is that his perception of things will not change. All the hurt that you have already been through will be brought back up & you may find yourself back emotionally as that 16yr old girl. That little girl you carry inside that is who should be worrying & looking out for, she is the one that needs you. Be there for her. You have nothing to feel guilty about, that is part of the reason your asking right? I know that feeling, how they love to say it's your fault, you made us do it, how you think that it is the right thing to do so if you don't go through with it you will feel like a bad person all over again. It isn't true, you are not a bad person, your father is a bad father. Isn't that the truth Leela, you are not accountable for your father or his choices. You are accountable for protecting your own inner child. Yes you may forgive your father but can will never forget. I think if you sit down & ask the 16yr old girl inside wether she wants you to go back she will tell you.

Whatever you decide to do Leela, do it for you. You owe no explanation to anybody else, especially not him.

Please don't leave this forum, you will find support/laughs/experiences/advise & the occasional argument here, you will also find big hearts & Big Hugs. SABIN.

brandnew

Lisa...oh...oh....mygosh.....lisa i would have kicked everyones ass who didnt talk to you at your mammas funeral. Thats just me. My bad.....but yeah.

Love u.

Skedaddle

Hi Leela,

I can't quite come to terms with how you've been treated by your father. A line was crossed even beyond anything it says in JW literature. You were a child. Where was his LOVE for you? The drastic action that you took by trying to take your own life was not a wake up call for him but rather was seen as a motivator for further persecution. Many years have passed. A long time for him to go over his actions in his more mellowed state of age. Chances have come and gone for him to step back into your life when you gave birth to his grandchildren and yet, he remained silent. Now he aproaches the end of his life and no word has been sent from him or anyone else (at his request?). The deathbed for many provides a time for reflection, for making peace with your past and yet, silence. That silence should be the loudest sound - it comes from those who are not sorry. I don't believe that a person capable of treating their own flesh in the way that he demonstrated is capable of understanding his wrongs by his own reasoning. Any regret, if he were to feel it now (which I personally doubt), would be born out of doubt that he would be eligible to enter paradise and not for his wrong treatment of you. It would be for his own needs.

And now you. A once broken little chick who managed to mend her own wings and grow into a beautiful bird and fly away. You nested and grew chicks of your own and cared for them. That nest is the most important nest in your world, not just for the sake of you but for your children. You need to take care of that. And the upkeep of that nest cannot be done by a bird with rebroken wings so think carefully is my advice. To forgive him does not render the need for your presence. It has been said, and therefore it is. My advice is to grieve the greif that was started a long time ago as its weight is lighter. If you were to visit and a negative situation arises, you may find yourself grieving a double rejection and one that has no second chance, it would be final and you would be left with that to face on your own with your own family. A family who has had no benefit from this passing person but a family who probably have dealt with some of the ramifications from the harm that he caused you. Are you strong enough to cope with this? Only you know.

My personal opinion agrees with other posters who have said to send a message to your mother to let her know that you are there for her if needed. In time, there may be a correspondance and I deeply wish that this will be the case, if it's what you want. The death of your father may soften the heart of your mother. That coupled with knowing that you were not told may play on her emotions. Without his iron rod at her side you may find she wishes to one day have some kind of relationship with your family. I do hope so, if it's what you wish for.

Anyway, as I say, these are just my thoughts. I wish you clarity of thinking to make your decision on whatever you feel is best.

Lots of love to you. I really do wish you the best.

JWdaughter

He grew old and is dying in this system of things. He is a hateful, miserable humanoid. You are a loving mom, and partner, and in spite of them, a loving daughter and sister. You WIN.

He can't hurt you or help you anymore. You are nicer than I would be to the miserable old coot. Go there, say goodbye and once again be the bigger person. Tell you mom that you are here for her and give her contact info surreptitiously-you never know what she will do with her freedom.

You are a rock star.

AudeSapere

Heartbreaking. You are in the absolute right place to find others who *get* what you have been through.

I'm so sorry. You were so very, very young when your family turned their back on you. It is criminal neglect, in my opinion.

Welcome to JWN. I'm really happy that you found us and look forward to hearing more of your story.

Aude.

GrreatTeacher

You lost your family 20 years ago. Your dad has made no effort to see you and ease his conscience on his death bed because he feels no remorse. You can choose to let it go if you understand forgiveness and closure in this fashion, but you will not get closure from him.

And because of that, when he dies you will suffer complicated grief. You'll mourn the dad that you loved as a small child and you'll mourn the dad that he never was for you as a teenager and an adult.

So, cry and mourn and mourn and cry. Take all the time you need. Probe gently to find out whether your mother was just under his thumb and whether she's willing to start building some type of relationship with you and your kids.

We can't make it better, but we can be here for you, and we will be.

Closer/death/Funerals

Share this