Closer/death/Funerals (page 4)

life is to short

My heart just breaks for you. I come from a different background with my family but very similar to yours, I too have no one, expect my husband. I have tried to met with some of the elders who treated me horribly and it just brought back so much depression I wondered if it was worth it. I was just amazed at how cruel those men were, the one thing it did show me as an adult was how wrong and sick these men are.

I was trying to get my nerve up to go met with an elder last year who was one of the worst ones and he died suddenly of a heart attack. I just started crying and sobbing, I did not know I would react that way as this person really deeply hurt me and now I will never have a chance to ask why.

So on the one hand I say no because of the pain it would bring but on the other it leaves this whole in your heart as to why anyone would treat a child and young adult that way.

It is something you will have to live with and take care of yourself first, your mental health is the most important thing. I am just so sorry for your pain.

LITS

Leela1

Thank you all of you for your kind words and support I needed this I think that I knew deep down what I needed to do I just needed some reinforcement from others. I was able to get the phone number of one of my older sisters from a recently DF old family friend from FB. I called her last night her husband answered who I have only ever met 1 time I told him who I was and her put my sister on the phone. It was really strange talking to her as I think the last time I spoke with her was 8 years ago when my older daughter was in a very serious accident. The strange thing about it was that she was speaking to me normal like there was never any distance between us it struck me as strange. Anyway I asked about my dad being sick and she admitted that he is in hospice in another Province (I live in Canada) and that they were going to tell me but they did not have my phone number. She went on to basically to defend my dad for the ways he is. I tried to find out what hospice he was at but she would not give me any info. She did however give me my mom cell number so I can call her. I have not made the call yet and I am not sure if I will but at least I have it and if I decide too I can contact her. But I have decided that I will not be reaching out to my Dad nor going to try to attend his funeral. I agree with all of you that it probably wont do me any good and I think I should let things be.I dont want to spend anymore of my life greiving over a father who really never was a good father. Now my sister has my phone number so they cant say they dont know how to contact me so the rest up to them we will see what happens.Thanks everyone you don’t know what a help your support has been.

Leela1

Tiki: child protective services had known of that abusive family situation chances are youd have been pulled from the home and hed have been in some serious trouble.

Unfortunately in my case Children Services was involved when I was still living at Home they came and did a couple home visits after I was hospitalized. But because there was no physical abuse and they were not able to prove any mental abuse other than what I was telling them I was not removed from the home. My Psychiatrist tried to have me placed in a group home but authority was never given and based on the state of Govt group homes I might not have been better off. But luckily my friends family took me in I was so screwed up but they stuck with me and supported me.Proving there are really good wordly people :)

flipper

Leela- My wife and my heart goes out to you my friend in what you suffered. I had a strict elder dad who was very harsh as well. I admire you so much for moving on and creating a wonderful family of your own with your children and companion. What you have with them is priceless . It means everything. I feel you've made a good decision not to give your dad anymore of your time. You owe him nothing - because he gave you nothing but misery.

It may be that just sending condolences to your mom is the way to go, but to get involved with these emotional vampires who sucked the power away from you when young would just put you back in a bad place emotionally. You have regained your own power again as an adult woman and you have moved on in a positive way in life and your loving family that you live with now is what is important. Honor these ones that love you- give no quarter to the former family that dishonored you. Forgiveness is overrated. Forgiveness doesn't mean much to those who feel they did nothing wrong. They don't get it. It falls on deaf ears.

Wishing you and your partner and children all the happiness in the future. We are all here for you on this board. Take care, Sincerely, Mr. Flipper

OrphanCrow

Leela: I dont want to spend anymore of my life greiving over a father who really never was a good father.

You are right, you have no need to grieve for that man. That would be like saying that you miss the bad neighbors that moved out after making your life hell while they lived next door to you.

However, for those of us with estranged parents, the grieving is different. We grieve for the parents we should have had and didn't. Be prepared to miss the father you didn't have.

It's tough. Hang in there and give yourself permission to grieve if you have to. It's okay - it is a natural human response.

ToesUp

"However, for those of us with estranged parents, the grieving is different. We grieve for the parents we should have had and didn't. Be prepared to miss the father you didn't have."

Great way to put it OrphanCrow. So true!

Peony

Hello Leela

I felt so sad reading your story. What an awful thing to go through at such a young age. Perhaps if you don't visit you could get what you want to say down in a letter it may help you get it off your chest (this was suggested by my husbands therapist after we disassociated). Regardless of whether it is read or not you will have got your thoughts out there. As for funerals I've given this a lot of thought......for me I don't think I could walk into a Kingdom Hall again let alone be ignored at an emotional time. If I miss my mums funeral I'm sure people would bad mouth me but in reality they probably would bad mouth me even if I went. Seeing everyone again to be followed with shunning would open up wounds again that I've managed to close, I couldn't do it. But that's me and you have to decide what's best for you. Whatever you decide will be your right decision, best wishes to you.

fleshyheadedmutant

Leela- I want to welcome you to the forum. I am so sorry that your childhood was marred by the treatment you received from your family.

Others have given you excellent advice. I just want to tell you that you are strong and have made a wonderful family for your children. Don't do anything that will upset you to such a degree that it will diminish your ability to have the happy future with them that you and they deserve, whatever you decide to do.

Incognito

Leela, I'm sorry I didn't see your reply until now.

The phone number excuse as to why you weren't notified is obviously bogus.

As you were then speaking directly with your sister, she no longer had an excuse yet from your description, it appears she did not offer information on your father's condition but you had to ask. Further, while there is no reason to withhold, she refused to provide you with the location of the hospice where he is currently located. She/they obviously want to ensure you don't attend, whether you intended to or not. It is likely the only notice you would have received if any, is after he passed.

Since they no longer have an excuse of not knowing your phone number, perhaps it is more fitting for your mother to call you at her convenience, if she wishes to talk. The responsibility is then on her

Freesoul

Leela I am so sorry that you have had to go through so much pain. Sometimes you have to do what feels right for you. If you want to see you dad then you do it for you not for him. It may bring up same bad memories but it also may give you closure, at least you have seen him and say your peace before some thing happens to him. You have shown you are very strong because despite them shunning you at 16 years old you stayed strong with your decision and made a good life for you and your family. Do what you need to do that makes you feel better. Take care.

Closer/death/Funerals

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