Been lurking around here for several weeks. Posted once or twice but not too much. I'm a covert fade at the moment. I thought it would be simple to just fade away but it isn't. It's probably what I should do but I can't shake the feeling you have when you're in wet or dirty clothes you simply want them off!
Both the wife and my older children are awake now. That might seem like a big relief and it is, however the children being teenagers and dependent on their friends concerns me. The difficulty in finding new friends when your entire life has been only in the organization freaks me out. Worse yet I imposed the sanctions/restrictions in the first place.
For now we are covert as revealing our true feelings will no doubt get us shown the door putting the teenagers in dire straights with their friends.
That said I don't know how much more I can take now. It is literally eating away at me. I hate lying to people. I never thought it would be so difficult. My work is such that I could live just about anywhere and we may once the kids are out of school take advantage of that ( any ideas? any country?).
Without getting into every detail (or boring you, you've heard it all before) I was the model child as a witness. Lots of talks, pioneering, parts for everything imaginable. The child other families pointed to when wanting their sons to excel in the organization. However as an adult I couldn't bring myself to progress as expected by others. When it came time to serve I refused even though I had more than met the requirements.
I couldn't bring myself to ever judge others. To take time away from my family as my father had done. I had always resented when he would be whisked away to committee matters even special cases far away. Pop is truly a company man. My leaving will crush him and I hate that as he really is a kind person. In fact if the organization ran as he saw fit it would be significantly different. That said I can't give him a pass for ignoring things that are clearly wrong and without compassion.
Speeding back up to our current day It should be said that our exodus or start of it here, is not the result of any major event. There's no judicial matter or anything of the sort. In short I set out to prove someone wrong about the organization and found out they were the one's that were right not me. It was devastating. I prayed for hours for it to be wrong. No matter how hard I prayed or how many times I looked up the same information it was always the same. it always pointed to the fact that the entire structure I had built my life by was a complete and utter farce.
To say I was devastated would be an understatement. From there it was clear I had to get my family out. I knew it would be tricky so I posed it this way to my wife. I said here are five things I've come to know. They were all significant. Things like 607, previous false and ludicrous teachings and so on. I gave her those five issues and said prove me wrong and I'll repeat immediately. It was key that I used ONLY the society's literature and statements.
As you might expect she had no chance of proving these things false. Almost immediately she awoke. The teenagers were a different story and I can see their young minds still have a significant draw to the organization much like "King Candy" to his demise in Wreck it Ralph.
I'm so close to moving them away simply as a protection for them. However I'm torn as I know at least at first they'll resent me from taking them away from their friends. If you have experience in this dept. please speak up.
As to what's next I'm not sure. As to what I believe now I couldn't say with any certainty. I say that because the bible I've been using has been so horribly butchered. I've been looking into Koine Greek for some time now and it is clear that the texts have been manipulated to fit doctrine and opinions of the organization. How those men can sleep at knight knowing Revelation 22:18,19 is beyond me but that's another story.
So I'm left now as I near middle age with the task of relearning all I've been taught. I'm left with not having a clue what the bible even says really. As I read the scriptures now they take on a different meaning. I still have a hard time believing there isn't a supreme being of sorts as it is hard to accept evolving to complicated being from a single cell organism. For the wife she may be done with religion and God altogether. Can you blame her? Or anyone for that matter? Who knows where we'll end up. I can assure you this though. Wherever I land it will be the result of intense scrutiny.
As to my feelings toward the organization it's pretty simple really. I don't hate anyone. The friends in general are good genuine people. I don't fault them for staying in line as they fear expulsion for even the idea of a dissenting thought. Although I believe the governing body feels they are doing right in most cases they are guilty of knowing that they don't agree themselves yet hold others accountable to their decisions that they can't agree on themselves. This one point to me is significant. See the organization as a whole is a victim of itself. People are generally afraid to ever speak out or question anything. Even down to the governing body themselves. It nurtures the idea that the organization is never wrong. That it never makes a mistake. Which in turn harmful practices to never be changed or worse get created in the first place.
Although I wouldn't say I'm angry I am very concerned about my family and friends that have yet to see the organization for what it really is. Liam Neeson said "I'm a man with a particular set of skills" in the movie Taken. Well I'm much the same in the digital world. I intend to use my skills to the fullest to make people aware. For that reason any extra time I might have and within reason, will be spent utilizing these skills to make others fully aware and hopefully fully awake. My abilities are such that they are beyond the typical person that puts up a website for example.
I'm kicking around a lot of ideas. Perhaps beyond a digital presence maybe a webcast with guests and live callers. This is all in our day to day wheelhouse.
In the end and at least for now, I can't sit idly by watching the constant manipulation of people's lives. I hope even if small I can make a difference for someone as others have done for me. That is largely the only goal here.
A quick thanks to several
- Marc & Cora
- Lloyd Evans (JW Survey)
- Paul Grundy (JW Facts)
- Eric (JW Struggle)
- Kim & Mike
- This forum itself
Of course there are many others. My apologies for those I've forgotten to list by name. There are many. An email here or there that really helped me realize I wasn't losing it.
For any of you that may need a hand or simply someone to speak to just send me a PM. I'm more than happy to assist others as I have been assisted.