Evolution is a Fact - Index of Parts 1 - 40
Perry, you just convinced me that God exists. Good job.
You see, cofty, let me explain how this goes so that your little brain can understand...
Once, there was nothing. Nothing happened to nothing, and an omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent God appeared. Oh, wait, that's wrong...
Once, there was nothing, except an omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent God that had no beginning. It has always existed. This God did magic to the nothing, and out of nothing, everything appeared. There was a singularity, which he created through magic out of nothing, then there was a Big Bang, and boom! The universe appeared. After 9.2 billion years, God created the sun (because he was too lazy to do it before... Oh, wait... That's also wrong...
At the same time as God created the universe, he also created the sun with all its planets (and all other stars, of course.) That was 6 thousands years ago. Before he created humans, he created plaaaants. But some plants he created older than others—for example, God actually created Old Tijikko 10,000 years ago before the universe. Hell... I got that wrong, too...
After God created plants, he made animals (all sorts of them), and of course humans. But Satan hated little humans, so he convinced Eve to eat a fruit (BUT IT WAS GOD'S FRUIT!!!!), and she then made Adam do the same. They sinned, and so God, because the fruit was supposed to be his for lunch (he had a date with his wife Asherah—shit, she was a false god, I forgot...), made them imperfect, causing them to die. Now, Satan did a little magic, too (because he's a wizard like GOOOD), and he caused some trees to be 10,000 years old. He also screwed with the age of the earth—you know, just to make humans think that everything is soooo ooooold (you know, because they're styuuuupid.) He, then, did nothing to some nothing, and fossils appeared under ground, which little humans found later on. He also did nothing to some DNA, and to some geological distribution of species, and to some morphological features, and he also did nothing to certain organs to make them more poor designed (such as the human eye—I mean, he had to create this forest of nerves in front of the retina just to make humans think God screwed up the design.)
Then, God created a nation for himself—ISRAAAEEEEL. But they sinned. But he forgave them. But they sinned. And eventually he got his son JEEESUUUUS on earth to be born to a virgin MAAARYYYY. He told him, "Son, you gonna die for little humans or i kill ya." Jesus had nothing to say, so he said, "Yes, father! I gonna be tortured for yar creation because ya can't just forgive 'em." But God got mad and responded, "Yes, I can!!! It's just that I created this justice system, and I have to obey it, too. According to this justice system that I created out of nothing... LIFE FOR LIFE, son. So ya gonna die." (Satan did nothing to the nothing in front of God, and then he appeared in this nothing, and then there was no longer nothing, but there was Satan. It was magic. He learned that from Son Goku.) And Satan said, "Oh, Jeeesuuuus... But this system is screwed up! How can you force rape victims to marry their rapists, and if they don't, they are to be killed for no longer being virgins??"
So long story short (I hope), Jesus's spirit DNA
got on a bus to earthwas transported to virgin Mary's vajayjay, and he was born. Then he grew. Then he had debates with wicked Jews. Then he got on the bad side of the Roman empire. Then he was crucified. And then God did nothing to nothing, and Jesus appeared again out of nothing. And now there were Christians.
Jesus then appeared in Constantine's dream, and Constantine became Christian (without baptism, of course—he was baptized before his death.) And after Constantine, Theodosius I made Christianity the state religion of the empire in 381. Then Christians fought. And fought. And killed. In God's name. And this is how we get to the 21st century.
Now Satan did nothing to some humans, and he made them mentally insane, and these little humans became AAAATHEEEIIISTSSSS. Atheists started debating the stupidity of free will, but Christians said, "Er... nope. Yar styupid." You see, these wicked atheists who gonna die in armagggedzon yar gonna burn in hyell. And they said, "Man, that free will is stupid. Humans don't need the ability to rape, do they? I'm pretty sure God could've created us with limited will, that is without the ability to do some bad actions, such as rape. I mean... can anyone really and honestly say that if we were created without the free will to rape, we would have lost something valuable?"
But Christians said, "Shyut up!!! Free will imporrrrrrtant." Now we wait for armagggedzon, cofty, so be a good little human, and delete all these wicked threads about evolution. It's Satan's trick.
Shit... After telling this story, I became an atheist again. I realized it's just way too unrealistic.
Hahahaha, awesome job Saename!!!