Sometimes, it just ain't any fun...

by safe4kids 52 Replies latest jw friends

  • dancnfool_60

    HI Dana,

    I have been searhing thru topics and ran across yours, I wonder at this time how things are? My mother at 57 got terminal bone marrow cancer, I truly understand your pain. It was very hard on my children,10 and 12 at that time. At first they wanted to go and be with her but it was a 5 yr process of seeing her deteriorate and become someone who was very hard to be around. I had to let the kids do whatever they felt they needed to do to cope. If they wanted to go with me I took them if they didn't I just hugged them and told them it was ok that grandma was probably gonna sleep most that day anyhow. Try to take any guilt off their little minds of not being able to be in that enviornment. My mothers condition lasted 5 yrs so by the time she actually passed away the kids were accustomed to the situation. They actually had a more difficult time when thier Aunt (my sister passed away)....she was only 37 and was visiting the weekend to help me with our mother one week and just didnt wake up.....NOW my daughter ecspecially started thinking everyone she loved was going to die or get cancer and die. The kids were extremely close to their Aunt, would spend a month each summer with her. Alll of us couldnt deal with it. It was so sudden, no history of ilness, Heart just stopped. For over a year afterward I was angry at everything and everyone. It just didnt seem right that she didnt get to know what her niece and nephew were up to. Or when her nephew got married, or niece graduated....It just didnt seem fair or right that a life is so easy to take away and so many forget.

    End results were, my daughter had to go to some counseling and be on antidepressants for a few years, my son just hid it all inside and the anger built and built.he is now 24 and I am not really sure if he himself has come to total terms with theses things yet, I beleive he has pushed them all in the back of his mind and is concentrateing on his marraige and son...which, if he can cope that way I always want the best for him. I did offer to take him to counseling also but he didnt want to bring thins up and feel the pain again.

    as far as one who is terminally ill........most of the time Hospice will come in to help. at the end of the tragedy they offer counseling on subject such as loss of a mate

    loss of a parent

    loss of a grandparent

    and adult children coping with the loss of a parent

    loss of a sibling

    I went to one of these classes and they are very kind and supportive and you are with others going thru the same thing. there is a lot of support.

    I realize several months have gone by now and the probability of your mother in law still being with you is not a good one..I just hope you can find comfort and understanding....Remember the old saying......." you don't know how a person feels until you walk a mile in his shoes"

    this is so true and those at hospice have walked that mile in your shoes and can give true support, not just "oh I am sorry, call me if you need anything,", or " at least she isnt in pain anymore"

    you will get the time to cry and laugh over memories and all the hugs you need.

    my heart truly aches for this time you are going thru...when the greiveing process begins allow yourself to feel everything your heart is telling you to feel, you HAVE to go thry each stage to heal and your children will need this is a tough time and I hated when people told me "time heals all wounds" this wasnt just a wound it was my mother and sister.

    but time has helped me cope and it will you also even though right now you dont ever think it will........((((((love you all)))))))))

  • safe4kids

    Hey (((Rocket)))

    Thank you for your response. You'd think I'd be used to the twists and turns by now, but they still seem to catch me by surprise every time. I hope all is well with you and yours.

    Hi Pat,

    I am very glad that I and the kids' dad are able to help them deal with this situation. Although Bill and I have been divorced for several years, fortunately we're pretty close friends and the kids are our priority, so we've had quite a few discussions about what they need from us. I can only hope that, as you and Waiting said, this will provide them with the tools they need to cope later in life. I LOVE what you said:

    Three, is a saying I've always loved about having a slightly different view of endings in life: don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. Life sure is bittersweet isn't it?

    Life can be very bittersweet at times but so often some postives can be pulled out of a negative and/or painful situation. We are trying to hold onto the smiles.

    Hi dancn,

    Wow, what a great post! Thank you so much for sharing some of what you've experienced. Please accept my belated condolences on the loss of your mother and sister; that must have been extremely painful for you. I know that it would kill me to lose my sister. You made some excellent points in your post, one of which was the guilt factor with the kids. The LAST thing I want my children to feel is guilt over their feelings about visiting their grandmother, so we've talked often about that and how hard it is sometimes to see someone we love going through what Gramma Jo is dealing with. We only found out last week that she has a terminal illness, so we're currently trying to adjust to the situation. She was moved into a Hospice center yesterday but we don't know exactly how things will proceed from there as we've been told we could lose her at any time or it could be months.

    I am so glad that you sought counseling for your children; it sounds like you are a great mom and I hope that they are both well on the road to recovery. Again, thank you for sharing...your post really touched my heart.


    Wow again, I don't know what to say, except that I am so glad to know you and Joy and I hope you both know I feel the same about you guys. As frustrated and even hurt as I sometimes get over online 'life', I have to appreciate that this board has brought me some wonderful friends and you and Joy are at the top of the list. Thank you both so much for all of the encouragement and support you've shown my little family. I'm really looking forward to seeing y'all again in the fall.

    Love, Dana

  • donkey


    I hope things are OK for you and your family.


  • bikerchic

    (((((((((Dana, Tracy, and family)))))))

    I'm so very sorry you are going through this and I know nothing can ease the pain of loosing someone you love.

    Reading about your Grandmother and children Dana brought back memories of my sweet and wonderful Grandmother. I used to think of her often as she lay miles away in a nursing home knowing at any time she would pass away and I felt so sad and lonely for her and helpless. I lived so far away and I hated the thought of her dieing alone. If you are close by please keep her company in her final days.

    My hugs to you all at this difficult time!


  • VeniceIT


    I just read this. OMG that is so terrible. I'm so sorry for you, B, and the kids this must really be aweful. When I lost my grandfather I was 7 and it was very upsetting to me, I'm glad to see how well your dealing with it and hopefully it will help the kids.

    I don't know what to say really, I'm at a loss (that's hard to do). I'm always here for you babe, you know that. feel free to call me, email or come visit if you need to get away!!!!!

    Thanks for everything you've done for me and been there for!!! let me return the favor,


    (((DELANEY & JUSTIN))))

  • Special K
    Special K

    I am sorry to hear all this Dana,

    My kids and I had to go through the death of a dear person two years ago. He was such a great serogate grandfather to my kids.

    We saw him everyday while he was in the hospital dying of cancer.

    And if we didn't come him he'd call and talk to each one of us.

    It was painful for all of us, but as my youngest who is now 8 looks back..he was glad he was there to watch who he considered his grandfather live until he died. Although, very young it was important to him to be with his grandfather through it all.

    Each child is different, and grieve in their own way.

    Big hugs to all of you

    Special K

  • Jesika

    ((((((((((((((((Dana and Family)))))))))))))))))

    I just now saw this thread........sorry for the late response hon...........let us know how you and the family are doing.

    Love you,


  • think41self


    You're such a sweet guy. Of course Dana is much more than a nice pair of hooters! It's very sweet of you to make sure everyone knows that. I, of course, know that very well. But being a woman myself..... I know there are times when a compliment from a young, good looking guy is just what you need to perk you up a little bit...and take your mind off serious matters for a moment. This is for you for being so sweet!


  • Mulan

    Tracy I'm not sure she needed any extra 'perking' up



  • safe4kids

    Hi (((Jack))) Thanks, we're doing ok right now. It's pretty much one day at a time.

    (((Katie))), I'm so sorry to hear that you weren't able to be with your grandmother when you truly wanted to be...that must have been very hard on you. We're doing our best to make sure Jo has company, although it's not as much or as often as we'd like. Thank you for thinking of us.

    Hey ((((Rachelle))), You at a loss for words?? And I had thought that was impossible I know you're there for me, thank you so much sweetie. Love ya lots

    Special K, thank you for your post. Your son sounds a very compassionate young man. You're right about each child grieving in individual ways and I appreciate the insight. I'm trying not to let myself worry too much but it's not something that we've had to deal with before, so I'm learning as I go along.

    (((Jes))) We're doing pretty good under the circumstances. The kids go back to school the day after tomorrow, so they've got other things to dwell on which is a good thing I think.

    Thanks again to everyone for their responses and support. I'm sorry to take so long answering and also apologize if I don't make a lot of sense; it's been a long day and I think my brain shut down about an hour or so ago



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