A question about fading....

by Tornintwo 37 Replies latest jw friends

  • Beth Sarim
    Beth Sarim

    Oh, yeah I forgot. Like I mentioned fading takes planning, it can be very hard work.

    A ''quick fade'' may be possible if you have no real family in the Borg. A ''quick fade'' may be possible too for a newly reinstated person who had been DF'd for a bit.

    With immediate family in the Borg, well, I'm afraid it takes longer. Can be a lot longer in a lot of cases. It depends too also on how ''involved'' your immediate family is in the Borg. If your immediately family includes someone like your dad being an elder, it will take a lot longer to ''fade'', unfortunately. It all takes time, patience and hard work(mental planning)

  • dontfitin

    It very much depends on the elder group. My mom hadn't been to a meeting in over 7 years, had no contact with anyone in the congregation except for family, and kept a very low profile. She was still df'd when someone saw her smoking in a public place.

  • Distracted

    I think if you have a divorced or separated spouse who is still is an active witness, and you have been cheating, you should just own up to it. You could tell the elders you just aren't ready to change your ways. Getting D'F for adultery or fornication is a lot better in their eyes than apostasy. They always think there is some hope for you, that you just fell prey to a sin they can understand. Apostasy is equated with the unforgivable sin in many witnesses minds.

    We who have been JWs know how it goes and the mindset. It's really cruel to let a ex hang there in limbo because you can't manup or womanup and let them go.

    I had a cheating ex who was going to play that game for as long as he could. He'd come back just long enough for me to forgive him and then go on his way again. He started getting smart about hiding his activities. Finally the Elders told me I was condoning his bad behavior. So I decided to divorce. Then this smug CO said I still wouldn't be free to remarry because he was home for over a week the last time, and there was no clear cut evidence following that that he was cheating. Craziness. A couple of brothers talked about spying on him for me but I said no.

    Anybody here thinking of playing games with your spouse, just stop. Be honest. Let them go. Karma is a bxxxh for everybody.

  • Londo111

    As has been said, it all depends on circumstances.

    As for me, I was divorced, and my parents never call or visit although they live in the same town. They have “no natural affection”. My best friend called me an “apostate” and cut contact. After that, I quit going. It’s been over three years.

    Recently my father asked if I was an “apostate” via email. I tried to explain I wasn't because if an apostate means being the boogeyman that the Watchtower portrays than that boogeyman description does not fit me at all. He said he was printing off my emails (after dropping Matthew 24:45 question on me) and giving them to “my brothers”, ie the elders. I’m not sure where my records are or if he knows where they are, so good luck with all that! But I’m sure in his mind no matter what the elders say basically he has cut me off at this point.

    I’m not sure if my life would be any different. Eventually fading ends with the same result as disfellowshipping or DAing: little to no contact with JWs.

  • Distracted

    I think fading only works if your witness family isn't looking to out you. I've been lucky so far since my mom and siblings are trying the kind, patient, and loving approach.

    (However, I have some people in my life who have wrote me off until I start going to meetings again. it is amazing to me still, how they don't see how disturbing that attitude is.)

    It is important to not to be too honest or direct. You have to get quiet and change the subject a lot. Or just nod.

    I think me and my family have adopted a silent don't ask, don't tell approach. They do try to get me to watch things, read things, or go to assemblies with them. My mom has been getting kinda of pushy since that JW November message. I have also had FB book messages and phone calls from a couple of old friends that I haven't heard from in years. They hunted me down this month.

    It really hurts me to disappoint my family.I would go back but I just don't want to be a phoney. I think I might have to move away to some place where no one knows me.

    There is a point where your eyes have been clearly opened and you know you would be splitting your soul in half to go back.

    I would try to enlighten them but I think being a JW is good for some people. I wonder if it wouldn't be too hurtful if your parents are up in years, made all those sacrifices and lived a life of near poverty, and you go and blast their lives apart with TTAT.

    One of my siblings has some mental issues and the religion gives them purpose. I think they would be like a spring in a box that you open too quick; They would be all over the place and it wouldn't be pretty.

    It really is a shame to be in this predicament.

  • Simon Templar
    Simon Templar
    A slow fade will allow you to be seen around the KH and do little or nothing. Drop out of the school, a little FS time, keep it below 7 hours and they wont let you "touch the utensils", attend meetings once in a while be friendly but not open to anyone. Do that for a while and the BOE and the rank and file will categorize you in their head as a "0". They won't think about you or expect anything from you. Then one day you can disappear, never to return and nobody will realize it. Furthermore, most of them will not care.
  • Distracted

    That November message is really creepy. There was one instance where a sister just kept going over to a stranger's house that she met and found out was a former witness. She wouldn't let up. The poor lady had to go back or face being outed. The sister found out where the lady lived from an Elder. It seemed somewhat like stalking to me.

    Then there was one part where a woman had faded for only a couple of years after being raised as a JW. When the JWs got her to go back to meetings, she finally accepted a study because she said she knew that they just keep asking until she did.

    It unnerves me because the org. is urging all the JWs to engage in this kind of behavior.

  • Phizzy

    I advise a slow fade too, if you can stomach it.

    During the fade you may well have to several times face awkward questions and situations, be prepared for those, there is much advice on old threads on here, or ask away again, we are here to help.

    I intended to do a slow fade, but when it came down to it, I just could not face going into a K.Hall again, once I had learned TTATT, many are stronger than me, managing the slow fade, and slowly drifting off in to oblivion as far as JW's are concerned.

    I was lucky, due to circumstances within my old Congregation, I dropped off the radar until a M.S dropped me in it, a friend of many decades, he promised not to repeat what I said to him, but of course did so to the Elders.

    TRUST NO ONE !!!!!

    Good luck !!

  • I am a Bible Student
    I am a Bible Student

    I have recently found TTAT.

    This is my opinion and please correct me if you think I am wrong:

    The FDS seems to be the wicked slave at Mat 24:48. This scripture goes on to say: . . .the master of that slave will come on a day that he does not expect and in an hour that he does not know, and he will punish him with the greatest severity and will assign him his place with the hypocrites.. . .

    I have been wondering why they would be assigned with the hypocrites. It then struck me that the covering over of child abuse, the lying and covering up by the organization, the allowing of elders to remain in their position if they had committed serious wrongdoing as long as the R&F doesn't know of the sin... all these are hypocrisy. They are hiding who and what they are and are portraying a veneer of holiness.

    We need to be careful that we too do not become hypocrites by pretending to be what we are not. We must worship Jehovah with spirit and truth (John 4:23, 24) and that includes being truthful about who we are. Because of this desire for honesty it may be better to quick fade and take the consequences.

  • truthseeker100
    Welcome Bible student to reality. When I say welcome I MEAN WELCOME!

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