Just a few more (page 12)

BugEye

101 Things NOT to say during sex

1.But everybody looks funny naked!
2.You woke me up for that?
3.Did I mention the video camera?
4.Do you smell something burning?
5.(in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6.Try breathing through your nose.
7.A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8.Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9.Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10.But whipped cream makes me break out.
11.Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12.(in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13.Can you please pass me the remote control?
14.Do you accept Visa?
15.ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16.On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17.And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18.So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19.(using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20.Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21.(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22.Do you get any premium movie channels?
23.Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24.(preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25.Got any penicillin?
26.But I just brushed my teeth...
27.Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28.I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29.I want a baby!
30.So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31.(in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32.Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33.Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34.I think you have it on backwards.
35.When is this supposed to feel good?
36.Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37.You're good enough to do this for a living!
38.Is that blood on the headboard?
39.Did I remember to take my pill?
40.Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41.I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42.That leak better be from the waterbed!
43.I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44.But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45.Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46.If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47.No, really... I do this part better myself!
48.It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49.This would be more fun with a few more people..
50.You're almost as good as my ex!
51.Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52.Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53.You look younger than you feel.
54.Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55.You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56.They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57.Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58.Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59.You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60.What tampon?
61.Have you ever considered liposuction?
62.And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63.What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64.I have a confession...
65.I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66.Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67.Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68.Is that a hanging sculpture?
69.You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70.Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71.I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72.Did you come yet, dear?
73.I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74.A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75.Does this count as a date?
76.Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77.Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78.I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79.Q: You can cook, too right?
1.(Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80.When would you like to meet my parents?
81.Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
82.Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83.Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84.Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85.(in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86.I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87.Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88.Sorry but I don't do toes!
89.You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90.Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91.Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92.I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93.So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94.My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95.Is this a sin too?
96.I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97.Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98.Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99.Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100.How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?

BugEye

Statements that will almost gaurantee you won't get any!

1."Oh, you had a bad day at work? Where's my dinner?"
2."I know this is the fifth night in a row I've been out with the guys, but it's the Tyson fight."
3."I know it's a 3-day golf weekend...we'll make love when I get back, OK?"
4."Are you retaining water this week?"
5."I was only kidding..."
6."Are you feeling ok? You look like shit."
7."Your best friend Debbie is such a bitch!"
8."I'll be right up after the Simpsons, OK?"
9."You should see the new sexy, young employee that started today..."
10."I don't really care for cats."

BugEye

The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An
eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the
panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

BugEye

Two women were chatting and one asked the other,

"Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?"

Mable answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"

BugEye

THIS IS DISGUSTING. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

A man and a women are having sex, when the woman notices the man has a painful look on his face. She asks, "Hey what's
wrong?", and he says, "Well you're kinda rough." She says oh okay, hold on a minute and goes into the other room.A few
minutes later she comes out and says okay let's try it again. The man says okay and they sart having sex again. The man says,
"Wow, your alot smoother what you do?" and she says,"Oh I picked the scabs and let the puss run out."

BugEye

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment
for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my
life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it
be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went
to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and
the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what
you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed
under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,
I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to
be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a
reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like
them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for
my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have
a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!
But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the
remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've
lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept
with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man
to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but
I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the
eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about
how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a
bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the
service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow
morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and
waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an
hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his
head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the
County bury her!"

BugEye

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

BugEye

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

BugEye

Attorney: So, doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?

Doctor: That's correct.

Attorney: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?

Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy.

Attorney: Okay, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at the hospital?

Doctor: Yes, he came in to the emergency room in shock and died in the emergency room a short time after arriving.

Attorney: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?

Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially.

Attorney: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the emergency room?

Doctor: That is what the records indicate.

Attorney: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the
patient at that time?

Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and that was the cause of death.

Attorney: I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?

Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain
is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.

BugEye

Judge: Are you defending yourself?
Defendant: Yes, your Honor.
Judge: You know that if you cannot afford it, the State may appoint you a lawyer.
Defendant: I know, your Honor, but I don't want one. I plan to tell the truth.

Just a few more

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