Just a few more (page 10)

BugEye

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

BugEye

Jeremy and Kris are walking down the street and see a dog licking
himself. Jeremy says, 'Man, I wish I could do that!' Kris replied, 'I
think you'd have to pet him first.'

BugEye

A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week. He is leaving the next day
and he still hasn't tried the food.

He goes to a restaurant and sits down to order and then sees what the
man next to him has. It looks very tasty.

The waiter comes to take his order and the tourist tells him he wants
what the other man beside him is having. The waiter says there is no
more left.

The tourist then asks him what the meal is and the waiter replies that
it is the testicles from the bull that lost the bullfight earlier that
morning. He tells the tourist that if he comes back tomorrow he'll save
this meal for him.

The tourist thinks, “What the heck, it'll be my last day here,” so he
comes back the next day and the waiter has his food prepared for him
when he comes.

The man eats the meal and thinks it is delicious. But he is confused
about one thing. He calls the waiter over and asks him why his meal
looked smaller than the meal the other man had the day before.

The waiter replies, “Oh, sorry sir, sometimes the bull wins.”

BugEye

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the
neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy
panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he
takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath,
blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the
neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few
days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that
Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what
happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage
one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went
outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back
into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'

BugEye

What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?
Kermit's undivided attention.

BugEye

A man walking his son in the park one day came upon two dogs
humpin' The son turns to his dad and asks, “Dad what are those dogs
doing?” The dad says, “Son I'm about to teach you a very important
thing about life, what them dogs are doing is…”
The father can't do it. He thinks of all the questions his son will have.
He tries again, “Son them two dogs are…” He stops again and decides
to wait until the boy is older.
“Son, you see that dog on top, well his two front paws are hurt and
that dog on the bottom is helping him home.” The son turns to his
father and says, “You're right dad, that is a very important thing in life
to learn.” The dad asks, “Do you know why that is, son?”
The son replies, “Because every time you try to help someone out you
always get screwed.”

BugEye

A young priest was visting a convent. One day he was taking shower,
when he realized that he didn't have any soap. He wrapped a towel
around himself and ran to his room, hoping no one saw him. He got to
his room, grabbed the soap and was running back to his shower. On his
way, his towel came off, but he heard two nuns coming down the
hallway. He was forced to leave the towel, and stand like a statue.
When the nuns came to him, one said, ''Look! A new soap dispenser!''
Another said, ''How you get the soap?'' So one pulled on his dick, and a
bar of soap fell from his hand. ''Look! I got a bar of soap!'' said the
nun. The second nun pulled on his dick.

''Look! I got liquid soap!''

BugEye

A woman went camping and while she was out she got herself infested
with fleas... While the fleas were on her they decided they were going
to explore. The head flea said, 'alright if we're ever going to get
anywhere we've got to split-up.' So the first flea said, 'I'll go explore
the peaks up north.' The second one said, 'I'll go explore the other
cave around back.' The head flea said, 'I should stay back at base camp
in the bush.' The first flea got to the mountains and there was an
earthquake, so he headed back to camp. The same thing happened to
the second flea. They arrived back at camp at the same time. The head
flea was nowhwere to be found. They finally found him, huddled in the
corner with a shotgun, shivering with fear. When the other fleas asked
what happened he said, 'I not sure but some big bald guy just came in,
slammed me up against the wall and threw up all over the place!'

BugEye

Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The
first boy said, ''My dad can blow smoke rings.'' The second boy said,
''My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose.'' The third boy said,
''Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt.'' The first and
second boys where amazed. The second boy said, ''Have you seen him
do it?'' ''No,'' said the third boy, ''but I've seen the tobacco stains on his
underwear.''

BugEye

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the
waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy
brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his
shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the
waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back
to check on our order I asked: ''Why the spoon?'' ''Well,'' he explained,
''the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in
efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months
of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons
73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our
personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce
the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per
shift.'' As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind
me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his
pocket and said: ''I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'' I was rather
impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests
ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a
very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I
noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly.
My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the
waiter: ''Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
there?'' ''Oh, certainly!'' he answered, lowering his voice. ''Not
everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned,
also found out that we can save time in the restroom.'' ''How so?''
''See,'' he continued, ''by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we
can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way
eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the
restroom by 76.39 percent'' ''Okay, that makes sense, but... if the
string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?'' ''Well,'' he
whispered, lowering his voice even further, ''I don't know about the
others, but I use the spoon.''

Just a few more

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