Thanks everyone for understanding and the advice. It's a tough one. If I did anything it would be a very slow fade. For the last few years I have been decreasing ministry time. I go out 4-5 hours a month max. My husband doesn't push me to do more thankfully. It is also time for me to go off the ministry school. I can't fake it anymore. I rarely comment at meetings. We are moving soon, so I just won't join up on the school. (Easy!).
My husband isn't serving. He was an MS at one point early on in our marriage. His brother was disfellowshipped a few years back and my husband just doesn't have it in him to serve, it affected him deeply. His brother did some terrible things, and is still doing drugs/is an alcoholic and treated his ex wife and friends/family terribly. I didn't like him before or after all of this went down, he just isn't a nice person and has been awful to my husband too, once threatening to kill him. My husband has minimal contact with his brother, but what went down broke his heart. My husband is the kindest person I know. His parents are controlling and still ask him why he isn't serving as an MS. My husband had to tell them to stop asking. They are very evangelical and preachy. My parents are just happy we are happy and have a strong marriage. Thankfully we live close to many dear friends, and not my inlaws! They mean well, and are doing what they know to be best. They are helicopter parents.
As for me, I have an independent spirit. I believe in being a good person, kind and true to myself. Rules are hard for me, unless they make absolute sense. INTJ female here.
i suppose it will be a journey. For now I want to support my husband, less than I used to, but still provide some support and attend meetings with him. I am not sure whether or not i believe in God, but if it weren't for JW religion I would never have met my husband, for that I'm forever grateful.
thanks everyone. It helps to know I'm not the only one out there with this struggle. It makes me think many fellow attendees at the Kingdom Hall are perhaps having the same internal struggle. I think I can now tell who they are.